I started taking vicodin/percocet recreationally 2 years ago- one of my friends took them for fun and she would give me a couple when we had sleepovers- then we'd paint our nails, watch a movie and have a good time. It started off as a weekend thing, then became a few nights a week thing- where I was buying 20 of them to last me a week. 

But then it became an every night thing, and now it's an every day, every night habit.  I used to take two 5mg percocets and I'd be high as a kite. Now I have to take 3 at a time just to feel something. I take 6-7 in a 3 hour period. Usually twice a day. So about 14 5mg percocet a day. I get them for $5-6 a pill. I go through like 80 of them in a week. My checking account is always negative. I spend my money on these before I spend it on bills, food or gas or other necessities. All I care about is not running out of pills. I'm constantly sneaking around and having to lie about where my money is going. I've had to ask so many people for loans to bail me out of the hole. I go to make deals on my lunch break at work- risking everything! My friend who got me into this has been doing it for 5 years now. Her tolerance is even higher than mine. Not only that, but she's a trust fund baby and has plenty of money to support her addiction- I do not.

I can't do it anymore. My boyfriend doesn't even know about my addiction and my heart would break if he ever found out. My mom is very close to finding out as she's been loaning me money when I don't have enough money left to pay my rent.

So I'm really doing it. I called NA last night and found a place that has meetings right by my apartment. Tonight I'm going to my first meeting and I plan to go at least twice a week until I've mentally let it go. I've been tapering off slowly and should be totally off them by next Tuesday. If I fail the first try, I'm going to tell my mom about it because then there will be no turning back- but that's a last resort because I already know I can do it myself. I have 2 friends who have agreed to be my support, and who I can call if I feel like I'm going to slip and go back.
 
I don't want to end up depending on this as my only source of "happiness". I'm lucky that I still enjoy certain people, places and activities without them- if I keep this up, pretty soon that will not be the case and I'll be all alone with nobody that brings me any happiness except for these evil little things- and that's my worst nightmare- to be so dependent on them that any time I experience joy, it's not real- it's fake: it's chemically induced. That's how my friend is- she says she doesn't need anyone or anything- that the pills are all she needs to feel love. I'm almost to that point, I can feel it looming around the corner- so I'm done. I'll lose the people who mean the most to me if I don't quit. Myself included. 

The friend who got me into this and I have not been getting along lately- because I silently resent her for getting me into this mess. Whenever I put my foot down and say, I can't do it anymore- I have no money for this round, she offers to front me some pills until I get paid again. And then the vicious cycle continues. She doesn't want to be alone in her addiction. I don't think she will ever quit. And as long as she's in my life, I'm not going to be able to either. So I sent her an email, explaining that I'm really quitting. And she should respect that I need to distance myself from her. Our friendship has been on the rocks for a long time because of this.
 
I can't feel good about myself as long as I continue to be weak and let this control me. Fuck this. I'm saving myself. They cannot have me- I deserve better. 

I'm excited to have my money problems behind me. And to stop sneaking around. And to not be ashamed of myself anymore. To be a normal person who doesn't have an awful secret they're keeping from everyone. To move on with my life. 

Wish me luck.