Things have been proceeding exceptional well with my husbands recovery from crack cocaine addiction. He is studying the Big Book of AA and leading discussion groups in the meetings. He is also working diligently with his sponsor and working the 12 steps to recovery. November 29, will be our 13th wedding anniversary who would have ever though. As some of you already know, my husband will be leaving long treatment in 3 weeks and moving in with his parents. During this time, we will continue to work on our marriage and he will be working and saving money to buy another vehicle and to pay the restitution and fines for his business burglary. He will be fitted with an ankle bracelet and placed on house arrest after he leaves treatment and will stay on house arrest until he goes to court next year. My motto is: Live life one day at a time. I will not allow tomorrow to rob me of the joy of this day. What will happen next year will happen regardless if I worry or not.

The reason I decided to post this long story is because today, I am hurting and in pain. I wish I could understand life. But I am just a mortal person made of flesh and bones. If there were any 2 questions I could ask the God of my understanding it would be why must goodness coexists with badness and why does happiness have to involve sadness?

Something very tragic happen in my life last Saturday that strengthens my relationship with the God of my understanding forever. A word of caution to people who are animal lovers, you may not want to read this posting. I need to share this story in order to release the pain that is holding my heart captive.

This story is about my 13 year old blind dachshund Niko. My vet informed me and my husband 2 months ago that she had a brain tumor and might have to be put to sleep soon. I prepared myself mentally and emotionally so that when the time came, I would be a comfort to Niko. Niko had been my rock in the storm last year when I was dealing with my husbands full blown crack addiction. My wish was that when Niko's time came, she would past away in peace and comfort. I did not want Niko to experience any pain as she transitioned from this world to the next. My daughter and I became overly observant noting any changes in Niko's eating, sleeping, playing, mood or behavior.

Niko was happy, active and enjoyed going outside finding her treats in the yard. She played and interacted with my daughters and husbands dogs (Delta and Snoop Dogg Snoop for short). Unlike Delta and Snoop, Niko loved to cuddle with me and loved her belly rubbed. She was a true lap dog. Heck, Niko even managed to travel to and from my mothers home across the street. We live on a dead end cove so cars rarely came down this street. Everyone in my family loved Niko. My mother routinely feed her leftovers. This of course I did not like because Niko would not eat her dog food and had very bad gas. Feeding Niko gave my mother so much joy. My mother would look out of her kitchen window and watch Niko enjoying her leftover squash, cabbage, fish, shrimp, pasta and grits. If you ate it, then Niko would eat it. Snoop and Delta preferred bones with meat on them and never took a liking to vegetables or fish. My mother often referred to Snoop and Delta as spoiled finicky brats.

My little Niko was so active that when my brother visited us from Tennessee on July 4th he had trouble believing that Niko was blind. Niko interacted and maneuvered well inside and outside of our home.

Saturday, July 10, 2010 is a day I will never forget. My heart and mind cannot seem to connect with everything that happened that morning. Niko, Snoop and Delta were resting in bed with me. It was one of those lazy mornings and I allowed the dogs to get into the bed so that I could play and pat each one. I love Delta, Snoop and Niko unconditionally and treated them more like my children then dogs. Niko was my dog and the bond between us was extremely close. As we lay in the bed snuggling and sleeping peacefully I heard the wet dry vacuum and knew that my daughter was going to wash her car. It had been a few weeks since my SUV was washed so I decided to get out of bed and join my daughter for a car washing party.

There are some things in life you wish you could turn the clock back for just one hour. This is one of those times. It seems surreal to me, like everything happen in slow motion. I got into my SUV and slowly began to back my vehicle back when I heard my daughter screaming. I felt something and knew instantly that it was bad. When I got out of my car I heard my daughter screaming that I had ran over Niko. Shock, fear and disbelief overwhelmed me. My daughter and I were both screaming at the top of our lungs... "Oh God NO GOD PLEASE GOD!!!! WHY!!!!"

This was not the way I wanted Niko to leave this earth. My beloved dog lay there nearly cut in half bleeding. At that very moment I was so angry with God. How could he take my beloved Niko away from me like this? In the chaos of the moment I looked around to see if my next door neighbor was home. I knew he had a gun. His garage was up but his truck was gone. I looked back at Niko bleeding in a puddle of blood there was no way she would survive this tragic accident. Why God Why? I screamed as I ran back into my home and into our Japanese room and withdrew a Samurai dagger from its sheath. It was the sharpest knife in my home. I ran back to Niko crying and screaming and begging God not to let her suffer. I knelt down placed my hand over Niko eyes and begged God to give me the strength to do what I needed to do. I did not want Niko to die in pain. I loved her to much to watch her live out her last moments in pain and suffering. I cut Niko carotid artery and softly cradled her as she went to her final resting place in peace.

I do not understand why my little Niko had to die like this. All I know for sure is that nothing happens in life by chance. It was just Niko's time to go and she went to her final resting place the way God intended her to go. That afternoon after my husband buried Niko I cried myself to sleep. I cried an ocean of tears. I cried for all the pain and hurt anyone has ever experienced in this world. I cried for my family, my friends, my husband and everyone who has ever been affected by the disease of addiction. I cried for the innocent victims and lost dreams and ruined lives. I cried for myself; for all the hurt and pain I had experienced over the last 4 years because of my husbands crack addiction.

When I finally finished crying, I asked God to help me to understand. What lesson could I possible learn from Nikos death? My heart is still heavy with sadness. Niko was the one who comforted me last year after I put my husband out. Unlike my other 2 dogs Niko seemed to sense my despair, hurt and pain more intensely and always cuddled with me whenever I was in that dark place. She was a part of me in ways that I cannot put into words.

• I thank God for giving me the strength I needed to help Niko to cross over to the next life.

• I thank God for allowing me to be with her in her final hours.

• I thank God for allowing my husband to be with me and my daughter in our time of need.

• I give thanks to the God of my understanding for allowing Niko to be a part of our lives.
• And most importantly, I think God for my husband's soberity.

Niko's death started the healing process between my husband and daughter and brought our family closer together. My husband, daughter and I cried together as he said a good-bye prayer over Niko's grave.

I pray that the God of my understanding will enjoy Niko's love, spirit and companionship that I was privy to enjoy. I still do not understand God's great plans for my life, maybe that is far beyond my comprehension but I do know and believe that God has a plan for everything and that everything that happens within this world happens the way it is suppose to happen.

God bless all of you & thank you for reading my story.