i have been keeping a secret from everyone one in my life, i am a daily user. Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, usually a combo of the three, and ambien to sleep. I've built up quite a tolerance, and live in daily shame. I am a 27 year old female, and to the outside world I am a happy, beautiful lively person. Inside I am an insecure helpless sad anxiety ridden soul. Drugs have yet to effect my daily life, except for my finances, it seems to be where all my money goes, drugs first, food and bills second. I work 7 nights a week to support my excelled drug habit. I am so ashamed and have finally admitted to myself I have a problem. I am so scared of going to a meeting, for embarrasment and am just scared and dont know how I'd function without my pills. I want to live and feel good about myself, I have developed a hate for myself. I need help and dont know where to go or how to talk to anyone about this.
Any advice would be appreciated, I really am lost and need it. Thank You.
Hi Kristina, I'm so glad you reached out to us. That alone is a huge first step. Your story is by no means unique. There are many many people enjoying a life free from drugs who were in the same situation as you, and many who had it even worse. The good news is you never have to feel alone and frightened anymore. Our literature says that "Any addict can stop using drugs and find a new way to live." This has been true for me and thousands of others. It can be your truth as well. You have admitted you have a problem and need help. That's where it all begins. The next step is to go to a meeting. I understand your fear about this. Before I actually went inside to my first meeting, I drove to meeting places and rode around then left. It took a few times of doing this before I walked in the door. It was the best decision i ever made. go to NA.org and follow the link to "find a meeting" it will direct you to meetings in your area. There is also a link for helplines. You may wish to call your local helpline and tell them just exactly what you told us. You will find support and maybe even someone to meet with you to calm your fears. I used in a manner similar to you for many years. I clung to the illusion of control until my world totally collapsed around me and I lost everything. Not just stuff mind you but the important things like the love and respect of my family. Give yourself a break and try the NA way. what have you got to lose? peace.
Welcome Kristina! Glad you found us here.We are a group of people from all diferent areas of life working our recovery with each other. You have taken a step by reaching out and sharing your situation with us exposing the demon to the light. By getting yourself to a meeting,even though it is a little intimidating at first,think of how your life is being taken over by drugs. We say when the pain out weighs the pleasure we try and find a solution.Even getting clean,though it must come first,is so important ,learning that we suffer from a spiritual,mental and physical allergy that manifests itself in all areas of our lives.(you have named some,finances,relationships,embarrassment,living a lie etc)You will be able to identify with your disease and not compare to others.Literature tells us -the getting and using and finding ways to get more qualifies us as addicts.We lived to use and used to live.You can come in from the storm now,before you spend years out on the tiles trying to first admit you may have a problem,and secondly surrender and have to no longer fight.Hope to hear back from you,it is great that you took this first step.You don't have to live like this anymore.There is a better way and our program Narcotics Anonymous can show you the way to recovery..I wish you peace...
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Congratulations your now on step one admitting your problem of addiction and seeing a part of the unmanageableness of it, theres more trust that you may not see it clearly yet but your on the right path to recovery.
Step 2 now get moving, get to a meeting find a sponsor, start working this program the compulsion and obsession to use will be removed in time for now fight it and know that each time you resist you grow stronger, use prayer use people and use a higher power for the strength you'll need to detox and get past the moments of weakness, depend on higher power for strength, keep your willingness to go to any length to stay clean its up to you .
Thank You all for your kind replies. I almost went to a meeting today, but am still, just, scared. I'm scared of judgement, which I know is the last thing I would get. I live in Hollywood, am a working actress and am nervous of embarrasment. I know thats ridiculous, but I know I need help. I dont want to go to sleep at night praying I live through the night. Does anyone have any suggestions on working up the courage to get inside? Also any insight on how to get the drugs out of my life? I am a user by myself, no one in my life knows, well the extent of my drug use. First thing in the morning I get a call from my drug dealer when I said I wouldnt use today, I already did. I feel so weak, this isn't me!
Thank You all, I already feel better knowing there are kind people out there who know what I am going through.
Hello again Kristina! I'm not sure if you need detox or just able to stop and go forward from where you are. Our literature,NA,tells us based on our experience,we beleieve that every addict and potential addict suffers from an incurable disease of body ,mind and spirit.We are(were) in the grip of a hopeless dilemma,the solution of which is spiritual in nature.We will then concern ourselves with spiritual matters.You have come to our 1st step,admission to powerlessness and unmanageability.We must put down the drug,(detox)however you do it.You are already demonstating the courage by admitting your problem.We are an Anonymous group and "the most important person at the meetings are the newcomers".You can get phone numbers to call people who are working recovery and help ease some of your fears.Coming to believe,our 2nd step will eventually ,through a process ,help you find a Power greater than your addiction and bring some hope into your life.You will hear of willingness to do whatever necessary to stay clean,openmindedness to allow suggestions to take place and honesty with yourself and others on how bad you want this.I would suggest,pray for the courage to show up,want this more than anything and you can begin a "new way of life".It takes work, but you only have years of pain you can save yourself from.This is not a religious program but a spiritual one and anyone is free to join us regardless of religion or lack of religion.Give yourself a break,walk through those doors and know "that an addict,any addict can stop using drugs,lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.(our message)Start in the morning by telling your dealer your going for help and say goodbye....,I will pray for you,hope to hear back...peace
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
You can't have it both ways. either you surrender to the drugs or you surrender to recovery. Right now you are that crossroad. Here is the helpline number for the Hollywood area. 323.850-1624 You can call them and never give your name. Tell them what you are telling us. Believe me you are not the first person who was afraid of consequences if their anonymity got blown. But what will the consequences be if you don't get help and soon? Look in the mirror. How long do you see yourself going on this way? No one in NA is going to grab you and drag you to a meeting. You have to want this. If your ready, then by all means we are here to help. If not, well I wish you well, and we will be here when you are.
I understand wanting to keep your annominity...as people in my career do not know that I am in recovery. We have a saying...Who you seee here, What you hear here let it stay here. I had someone tell me once to remember if I saw someone from work in a meeting that they were there for the same reason that I was.
Your disease will make up a million reasons as to why not to go to meetings. This is the same thinking that got you strung out. Let go and trust that you will find help in meetings. Ask a power greater than yourself to remove the reservations that you might still have about getting clean.
Hang in and know that you are not alone and help is waiting in meetings. Keep posting so we know how you are doing.
Thank You Avid for that number, I will be calling tomorrow. Today was a slow day, atleast no painkillers which is the first time in a long time. I know I'm a strong person, and this week is the week that I will begin my recovery. I'm praying to god, or any higher power that I will have the strength. Number one goal for me this week is to attend a meeting, number 2 is to disconnect from my drug dealers, and I have many. Thank You again for you words, any other advising will be so helpful, you have already made me feel so much better.
I admire your commitment to recovery. Like we say in the rooms, this is not a program for people who need it, it's a program for people who want it. withdrawal will be uncomfortable. There is no way around that. I was fortunate. My wife and I went to see my doctor. He agreed to prescribe gradually decreasing amounts. My wife held all the meds (benzo's) and administered them precisely on the docs schedule. If you have someone who can provide that level of support then you are truly blessed. My heart goes out to you. You know what you need to do, but the fear is a monster. I have been there. You must know that IT DOES GET BETTER> It really does. The fear will pass, the pain will pass, the anxiety will pass. Not right away. We addicts want everything RIGHT NOW!...Nope, those days of instant gratification are gone. But if you can overcome the fear and reach out. Ask for help...Go to meetings, speak up about what your going through. Listen to and approach women with some good clean time. And did I say ask for help? Really, now is the time to go to as many meetings as you possibly can. It is not unusual for addicts new to the rooms to go to 3 or 4 meetings a day depending on the area where you live. Remember, the only promise we have in NA is that "An addict, any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live" It is true for this addict. It is true for hundreds of thousands of other addicts. It is true for you.
Also, I am scared of withdrawals, has anyone else dealt with withdrawing from pills? Amphetamines, and more so my Benzo's (Klonopin and Xanax).
yes. for each one of us its diffferent. i am going to go with this: you are younger, healtheir than when it happened to me. Im 52, almost 53, and i was ripped off of all mine (pins/xanex,cocaine, methadone etc,etc) in jail this year. 5 long months. Worst and best months of my life. i learned to surrender in that controlled environment.
u have made a first step. this was no accident that u were called to this site. ur HP is prolly trying to help you.
just a note. i have seen people not go thru a drop of withdrawal when they started their recovery. maybe u will be this lucky. im thinking, since ur already such ahappy go lucky person, maybe all will be fine.
Use your God, your HP. Glad to see you actually know you have one. Your way more steps ahead than you know.
I send lots of love and prayers your way. I am on last legs of my 'letting go'. Methadone is a beast. I havnt shown up to clinci in 2 weeks. Cant do it any more. 20 years i was made to belive i neded that poisen.. crawl out of bed every day, run to a clinic, dose .... full of anger and shame...
ugh..... I am gonna make it. Just as u are sister.
Keep hanging in...know that you are not alone. We have all kicked in some form or another. Kicking is horrible but know and trust that you never have to go through this again.
Welcome to the board Chris! I've been in recovery for about a year. But only been clean maybe 8 or 9 mos. Reading your posts was almost like a carbon copy of mine w/ 2 big exceptions. I am 41 yrs old and have been a daily user of the same drugs except a lot more on & off for over 20yrs. I was a "functioning addict" just like you until about 2 yrs ago. Please don't let this scare you but you need to know. Actually if your abusing xanax every day you need to be scared. The amphetamines will be hard and all you'll want to do is sleep. Xanax are one of the hardest drugs to detox off of. I detoxed off of opiates, benzos,amphetamines, & alcohol for 10 days in the hospital. As soon as i was released I went straight to Walgreen's and picked up my xanax to take to rehab w/ me. I had no idea at the time how dangerous that was. In April I tried to come off of the xanax by myself and couldn't. I had to go back to detox because I started seizing. I was in the hospital for almost 10 days. They thought I was having a stroke. Anyway, what I am saying is don't be scared & in denial like I was. You can die coming off of opiates & benzo's. People have actually gone insane doing it w/out detox. Please go see your Dr and tell him what's going on. He can even give you take home detox meds if you can't go to an inpatient rehab right now. There are a lot of safe options out there. Please keep us updated. Good Luck!
Stacey
__________________
The Will Of GOD Will Never Take You Where The Grace Of GOD Will Not Protect You
