I'm not sure what is going on here Raman, but it's clear that it troubles you deeply.
Your such a man of faith, so rely on that bedrock.
Trying to wrap your mind around so much complexity is dangerous.
Your intentions were noble. Outcomes are up to He who is greater than all.
It's your faith that will get you to the other side of this dilemma my friend

Hello my friend! I also am not quite sure of whats going on but I can feel your anxieties and restlessness.Iknow awhile back you had shared about a certain area in your life that had been keeping you hostage ,as I also sharedabout an  area I was also strugging in,,and some things that were helping me move forward.Anyway I love Sunday mornings as I take my family to our place of worship and spend time with the God of my understanding and also surrounded by another group of "sick and suffering "individuals working toward the light.I was reading your share this morning and this was brought to mind by my spiritual readings.Says"Life is war.We commit ourselves to the God of our understanding,but still seek to please the world.We know what is right but desire to do what is wrong.This conflict leads to an "inner wretchedness"(love that )and a struggle for peace.Our only deliverance comes through our Higher Power.We know that ,but we must continually go there.Whatever struggles,junk decisions we make,our fears,inconsistencies,lies and human failing natures we have we known, as our program tells us"we are in the grip of a dilemma that can be addressed only by a spiritual nature(paraphrased)Like Don says'we need to initiate action but leave the results in our HP'S hands.Take the areas today that are most forfront and troubling for you,give them over,accept that they are taken,and step aside..And now as they say"on with the show!!Love you man,reach for peace and it will show up my faith assures me of that....

Thanks Rocky,,,,, 

I analysed/examined my actions in the light of the 10th Step and found two significant things= 

1. My reactions were so because Id been out of exercise for three days. When i dont exercise, I feel groggy and angry. Moreover< iwas being too concerned about the other recovering addict who is in my group..."would he go overboard ?"

2. At that event,  I came into contact with lot of people that I knew from the past 10 years.
 My experiences with them have been varied and to say the least, I was never comfortable with them because they are the hard working, hard drinking, hard talking types.
Ive had fights with them, made up, moved on, been helped by them, but never was part of that circle, simply cause i chose not to be;  keeping y recovery interests in mind. 
Associating with them in the past was always a dicey, tricky and weird experience. Demonaic ? 

Then acceptance came that not everyone or situation in my life will be linked to sobriety.
They dont seem to have a problem, I do, so I just accepted things the way it is. 
They have respected me for my abstinence, so in that context there was no conflict. 
However, I disagreed with their methods, so I was rejected by them,,, thank God.

This occassion occured after after a two and a half year abscence from my side. 
I'd been abroad and they knew of my adventures and welcomed me back. It was me that was on thin emotional ground. 
There is always that resistance to being close to them, simply because we are on different wavelengths. 

And that nite was election nite at the club and I was the featured artiste. I had an audience waiting to hear me play my saxophone and cheer me on.........
My only regret is that I allowed myself to be intimidated by the situation facing me, a full house of drinking,  talking,  cheerful, bouyant people.
I regret being dis-couraged by one or two detractors I have,, instead of taking courage from teh many who supported me.
Because of fear, I did not do justice to the event sponsor who wanted me to get exposure to that bunch of people who are the decision makers in the club. 
The fear is not about me taking a drink but whether things will stay under control of the event sponsors. The way things hapen in these clubs, I start getting requests from different quarters. That complicates things.

My regret is that I forced the issue ; the event sponsor wanted me to play in the lounge as election results got anounced but I wanted to play indoors to a family crowd. 
Music seems to be the preffered form of entertainment in this club and they wanted me to entertain them and add to the elections exitement, but I wanted to entertain the more sober crowd inside.
The upset came when by the time we set up, the sober crowd had begun to move out as it was getting late at nite..and the election-crowd that was supposed to come in for dinner stayed outside......

Inspite of feeling turbulence, the many repetitions of the Serenity Prayer kept me cool.
 Inspite of feeling aneger, I was'nt angry... 
Im greatful to the people that heard my music and applauded.I
I s'pose i owe the event sponsor and amend...

Im greatful I met an early recovery associate before the show and me, the guitarman and him had a small meeting and that kept me in good stead. 
I accept that in dealing with folks on alcohol, cunning baffling and powerful situations will arise,,, I just need to go in there, do my job and pack up and go... 

NA has showed me that sanity,, and iM going for it..

-- Edited by Raman on Monday 28th of June 2010 01:37:27 AM

I wish you peace Raman.
I also want to tell you how much I appreciate your deeply honest, "from the heart" shares.
It inspires me.

Raman: Thanks for sharing that. I can get into my head that people will see or behave a certain way and suffer greatly if the don't. Somehow I get into the victim's role when it's me that made the decision.

I made the decision to get add cell phone's to my contract for a new girlfriend (that I hadn't known all that long) a friend of hers, and finally an addict who was very ill and dying (he since passed away but I still have the phone line on my cobntract). When the relationship ended and the friend passed away I had all these phones I couldn't really afford.

I'm not sure if this is even close to the situation you're describing but I know what you mean about etching something into your mind.

I just thank God I don't have to use on top of any problems I have.

2 funny.....Raman saying "y'all" just like someone from south of the Mason-Dixon line ....cracks me up!!

Yo JoeB
all I can say is OUCH!!
3 phones in addition to your own? Wow....the expression "generous to a fault" comes to mind. Hope this doesn't damage your credit.
Oh, the things we do for love....(sigh)
good luck my friend.

Hey Raman! I would like to hear your voice thing,that mp3 thing with y'all on there.mY KIDS IN TEXAS ALWAYS SAY THAT ,WHEN I WRITE THEM I SOMETIMES FINDING MY SELF WRITING IT.. I AM MORE A "YO" GUY THAN A "Y'ALL!!!! 

Thank you my friend!! I certainly do remember them cowboys and indians! Lone Ranger and Tonto,Red Ryder,Tom Mix,Gene Autrey(hard core drinker)Tales of Texas Rangers,Cochise and on and on!My best friend and I used to spend all day saturdays looking at TV and watching all these shows.I think I was one of he first kids on my block to have a 2 holster set of Fanner 50 six guns ,bullet belt and all! I could not have been any cooler and actually was pretty fast on the draw..Ahhhh them short amount of days before the"storm" hit.By the grace of God I still have some brain cells left to remember them days!! So long partner,Im riding into the sunset for this evening