OK guys - talk about darkness - It showed up in my life and truly has been for a few weeks - but I keep plugging - encouraging and seeking to tell the truth about me - Father's Day was tough - both my real father and my stepfather have passed - I really never felt true sadness for me losing them - (yes sadness for me) then it hit me - I shut down - I mean I shut down - I continued to go to meetings, I still answered the phone but at home I was not talking much - my partner was so loving that I still shut her out - I just wanted to be left alone and speak when I felt like it. smiled when i felt like it..I was cruel, unfair, selfish, mean - Instead of me just saying I need to be held..Boy did I go left with that one..I go into protective mode and that no longer serves me - It hurts and hurts others..Today - I see some light - Today - I will reach out - Today I will make amends - Today I am still clean - WHEW! love you guys
Thanks Terry I am a definite firm believer"In pain shared is pain lessened" I am sorry for your loss,I also was a little weird fathers day,but had a nice visit at the gravesite...It is such a blessing that you are able to see inside and even though we think were doing it,our real awareness,attention to the spiritual principles we work each day in our lives ,allow us to hold onto these things for only so long..How easy it would have been to do the "poor me routine" back in the days "in the grip" Thanks for sharing from your heart. I really felt like that during my 5th step inventory ,breaking down in hysterical crying over the loss of my best friend and never was able to voice it until then. The Freedom was a blessing from God!! love you too ,thanks for helping another addict out today,thats you and me for starters!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Fiesty: Thanks alot for sharing that. I've lost both parents, my dad as a 6 year old and my mother when I had 10 years clean. Still the loss and lesson is appreciated differently each year.
Loss keeps sort of folding onto itself for me. I'm able to express feelings a little differently each year that I don't cover them up with something else. Then I wonder later why I ever thought I had to use all those old tools?
I think working the steps with others helps me to take a new look at my relationships each year. Relationships never really end for me, they just grow.
Sorry about the pain Teri. Funny how feelings we didn't we had come up in recovery. Your blessed with love and support, add that to clean 'alive and clean' and it's as good as it gets.
"""pain pain go away,, let me have a serene day """
That was a prayer when Pa and I lived under the same roof. Id found him either in-different or overbearing. Then again, a long time resentment I had was that Pa never took the time and trouble to have a "man-to-man" with me in my early teens. Then I was resentful he'd never sat and talked to me about a career.............
Ive let those poisions out of my system by being greatful.
Im greatful to Pa for having left us a legacy that would keep us quite financially secure.
Then again, Im greatful that he tried hard to be ok with me even in the worst days of using. Im greatful he was there when I was facing a jail term, he got me off on bail. Im greatful for all the other times when he helped me overcome problems with the law.
Im greatful that in recovery, he was there for me and felt proud that his son was clean(and serene) at last. I pray to the Gods and ask Pa for forgiveness for me hurting him................. Though Id certainly amended my behaviour when he was alive and well,,,,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
