My husband is a recovering addict. He is doing an amazing job and is truly committed to being clean. He has become actively involved in N/A and the program has been an amazing support system. Here is my issue - I feel that he has gone from being addicted to drugs to being addicted to N/A. He attends meetings 5+ days a week and on the weekend will attend N/A get togethers. We spend very little time together and I'm beginning to resent him for leaving me alone to raise our daughter. I also feel hurt that he is sharing intimate feelings with his N/A friends and does not share them with me. We've talked and he has explained that recovery is the most important thing to him and it is more important than me or our daughter. I love him and I want to continue supporting him but I feel like I'm being shut out. Has anyone else experienced this with their spouse/partner? Does anyone have any advice as to how we can come to some sort of compromise?
Spot on rusti,, you for sharing your concerns and him for sharing with recovering mates..
And, hey, yes,, Im no counsellor, just a recovering addict myself. However, being granted natural wisdom by God, Il use it in your situation.
The problem as I found it is that family members, no matter how well-intentioned, cannot at times make head or tail out sharings. This sharing would make sense to an addict, one addict can best identify and understand and help another addict.
It's like the male version of "girlie stuff". Take my NA baby for example,,, shed ceratinly not share many things that shed do with ease with her classmates. My ex-wfie shared many things with her folks and friends that she never shared with me.
Seems theres fear in an addicts mind that so-called "normal" people will not understand if problems are shared. Please dont feel left out,,,,,time will mend the relationship and therell be nuff trust to open new avenues of communication.... when there is empathy, an understanding on feelings level,, the miracle will happen for you.
I like to think ""The pain of this is better than the pain of that" What do you think ?
Il let you think about that and Im sure youl get other insight too..
Take care and all the best,, Raman your friendly neighbourhood recovering addict NA Member..
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I'm really glad you're here and asking in this forum. Most of us can only speak for ourselves and our relationships. My group has a Nar-Anon meeting, that would be the ideal situation. But I'll say where I was when I got here.
I threw myself into NA the way I had my addiction. It was some time before I learned that a moderacy existed. What I mean by that is that I swung like a pendeluum in the opposite direction. Since "Quitting" never worked for us what the process of our recovery calls us to do is to replace the old behavior, thoughts, friends with the new, recovering attitudes and ideas, especially friends. We had to get away from the old type of friends.
You didn't say how long he has been clean but there is a courtship period that usually lasts 6-9 months while we establish support groups. My only advice would be to encourage him to include you as much as possible, let him know that you're open within reason to host his new friends and life and above all: Take care of yourself! If you can find Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoDA. They'll all help!
Thanks for being here and I pray for both of you and your family!
Hello Rustickid! oh yeah obsessive/compulsive people. One thing for the other...there was a great read in the Just for Today I BELIEVE BACK IN JANUARY /FEBRUARY.called Recovery at Home .I had shared about this at a meeting one night basically says,addict Does great work and gets clean but all of a sudden out 5 nights a week celebrations/meetings/speaking engagments,service and those left at home ar wondering thinking well what is the difference 'if he's out using and not at home or out at a meeting and stil not at home...bottom line he'sSTILLnot at home.Very important to keep recovery first but also that includes all other aspects of your life.I have to determine with my family when a meeting or quality time should come first.. That reading helped me step back a little from my compulsive actions and realize that before I got clean 'it was all about me" self centered if I am working an honest program of recovery there are other people also involved..I dont give advice but I could suggest talking about the "recovery at home " theory and try and find a balance.....peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
What you are going through is not uncommon. When ad addict first surrenders and gets clean they often pursue recovery with a fervor similar to how they pursued drugs. obsessive compulsive behavior is all he knows. Right now. As his recovery matures, and he gains a little confidence that he can get through some of life's challenges without having to use drugs, he may then find some balance between his recovery activities and his responsibilities to his family (they are actually quite connected). I understand your dilemma. You don't want him to use drugs, but in some ways nothing has changed. He is still away from home putting something else in front of you and your daughter. I would urge you to contact Al-anon and/or Nar-anon. There you will learn about the disease of addiction, the nature of the addict, and how it is a family illness. You will find support and empathy. You and your family are in my prayers.
-- Edited by avid on Friday 11th of June 2010 05:48:41 PM
Thank you so much for your responses. I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing that what I am feeling is not "crazy" I live in the cleveland ohio area and unfortunately, there are no nar-anon meetings in my area (go figure) there are several al-anon meetings and I'm going to make an effort to attend one next week.
I'm also going to try and make at least one n/a meeting with him each week. I love him so much and he has truly changed. I was there for him when he was using I don't want to disappear when he is recovering. And yest, this pain is definitely better than that pain.
"any advice as to how we can come to some sort of compromise"
Would only add this. I encourage you to find a way to frame his recovery in a way that its not on one side, you, your marriage, your family on the other so you need to find a way to "compromise". Find a way to reframe it so being in recovery incorporated into your lives. If your partner feels like to make his recovery the highest priority means he pits his recovery against everthing else, and you hear it as you have described my recovery is more important than...., I suggest that is not necessarily a healthy view of recovery. My recovery does not stand in isolation. Its not MORE important than my wife and my marriage and my family. They are all equally important and if I fail in my recovery, my marriage is less. If I fail in my marriage, fail to do what it takes to be the best husband I can be, it harms my recovery.
One of the common tendencies of addicts, and other folks too, is black and white kind of thinking. You see that way of thinking when we frame things in an "either or" perspective. My recovery and my marriage are not "either or". It is "both and". As addicts we have a hard time with "both and" because we have a hard time with balance. "Either or" is easier than "both and".
Recovery does need to be a highest priority. We slip into relapse mode long before we actually use and one of the first steps in early relapse is when we start taking recovery for granted and allow other good things to crowd recovery out of the top place. BUT that does not mean reocvery is pitted against relationships.
I suggest what would be covered by the concepts of incorporation, including, assimilating recovery, redefining your relationship and family so that recovery is part of your relationship. Not what is suggested in "compromising".
-- Edited by imikens on Sunday 13th of June 2010 01:40:26 PM
i've shared your responses with my spouse. he agrees with what you have all said and i feel we have opened a new line of communication. thank you so much. i know this is not going to be easy but having your support will definitely be a great help. i hope and plan to participate on this board on a regular basis- thank you so much. seriously. thank you.
My spouse is also a recovering addict. And when it comes to her recovery, I've learnt to give her that space and time, knowing well from my own personal experiences that only if she's in recovery can she be there for me at all
She has her own 'women-gathering and bonding' thing going regularly that she needs to sort out her issues, and believe me, whenever I've tried to help her here regarding her issues, I've added more chaos and confusion to it all, being too close to her. The need to be the savior is too intense especially if it's a loved one that I'm trying to help - I've seen this to be true even in the case of my sister when she was a teen (and even now at times) and also my mother. It could happen even with my sponsees or a newcomer if I'm not able to detach...
Going to Nar-Anon helped me. Of course there was no face-to-face Nar-Anon fellowship in my town, but I went to Nar-Anon anyway, online. I reached out, shared there, read many of the shares by other experienced Nar-Anon members, and that helped. Also, working a little of the CoDA program also helped me realize a certain things.
Today, in context of my loved ones' addiction issues, I'd rather have a healthy loved one who needs to take care of his/her health and wellbeing than a sick one who's with me all the time
Believe me, when I myself work the Program and then relate with my wife, I'm in a much better space to experience the joy of our relationship, be it my commitment, caring, communication or intimacy with my partner, it's on an altogether entirely different level, one which I have come to cherish a lot.
Today, we both have experienced this, and as a result, we both know how important it is for each of us to take care of our selves, the 'me' and the 'you' part so that the 'us' part stays in recovery.
Also, I have to share here that the fellowship of RCA, a 12-Step fellowship for couples, has been a great blessing for my relationship, for me as well as my wife, perhaps this fellowship and working the RCA program has saved us from our addiction and codependency problems, or we wouldn't have had the strength and hope to stay in a committed relationship for many years now.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
here's the link to the Nar-Anon online message board which helped me a lot...
http://www.naranon.com/board/viewforum.php?f=1
Here's the link to the RCA Website...
www.recovering-couples.org
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I read your post and I applaud you. I am engaged to a recovering addict. He is going on two years clean. The problem I have is that I am not familiar with addiction to his extent. I have no idea how to support him as I should, although I try to just be here and listen. But to me, no one can help him like a recovering addict that has been clean going on 20 years.
The problem being, I cannot find the support I need to help me help him. TO help me understand the addictive behavior - the swings and compulsive decisions. It's a whirlwind and I would love to be part of a group of others who support their recovering addicts, that can guide me with honesty and even what the hell can I read to help??
