"When we finally get our own selfish motives out of the way, we begin to find a peace that we never imagined possible."
Basic Text, p. 45
As we examine our beliefs, our actions, and our motives in recovery, we'll find that sometimes we do things for the wrong reasons. In our early recovery, we may have spent a great deal of money and time on people, wanting only for them to like us. Later on, we may find that we still spend money on people, but our motives have changed. We do it because we like them. Or perhaps we used to get romantically involved because we felt hollow inside and were seeking fulfillment through another person. Now our reasons for romantic involvement are based in a desire to share our already rewarding lives with an equal partner. Maybe we used to work the steps because we were afraid we'd relapse if we didn't. Today we work the steps because we want to grow spiritually.
We have a new purpose in life today, and our changing motives reflect that. We have so much more to offer than our neediness and insecurities. We have developed a wholesomeness of spirit and a peace of mind that moves our recovery into a new realm. We extend our love and share our recovery with complete generosity, and the difference we make is the legacy we leave to those who have yet to join us.
Just for Today: In recovery, my motives have changed. I want to do things for the right reason, not just for my personal benefit. Today, I will examine my motives.
I used to be entirely self serving. I did not nothing unless it served some perceived purpose of my agenda. I still have a long way to go in this regard but my happiness grows in direct proportion to the generosity of my spirit.
This is one of those things that is confusing or contradictory to me in recovery. My recovery is 100% selfish. It started from inside of me wanting to be me and stays inside of me, is about me, is "for" me. The very moment I make my recovery and outside issue, being in recovery for anything but me, my recovery is harder than it needs to be. My recovery is for me, from me, intended for me to be all that God has caused me to be. Drugs kept me and will keep me from being all that God has caused me to be. I want to be all that God has caused me to be. I don't do drugs because of that desire.
What I am not and can not be if I want to be living a life of recovery is in the center of things and the center of the universe. I stand and live in the "not" center, my posture is one of receivership, gratitude is a posture not an attitude. So I am not God. I am a creature. God is the potter, I am the clay. I am not in charge and my wishes and desires do not rule.
As a result I don't conduct myself in a way that my desired outcome is guaranteed by my manipulating and controlling. I dont' force myself on reality and into the day.
But my recovery is motivated by a 100% selfish motivation. My recovery is motivated by being all that God has caused me to be and to not do anything that causes me to be one iaota less than God has caused me to be.
Being active in addiction robs the me God has caused me to be from me. Being active in addiction says I think I'm smarter than God and the who I can cause myself to be is better than who He has caused me to be.
There is no doubt that we all came into recovery because we wanted something for ourselves, namely a life without drugs. As we progress through the steps and our recovery matures we realize that " we can only keep what we have by giving it away" This is ultimately a selfish motive. We give to others so we may stay clean. However, giving or being generous is a spiritual principle. I have found that by applying spiritual principles in my life that I get back more than I give. When I am at my best, my most spiritually fit, I am giving freely and getting back peace of mind, and joy in abundance. I no longer try to understand this program. I simply know it works because I see it work in myself and others. So I just do it and let the miracle happen.
And that isn't a bad thing. It is a great thing. What I've learned in recovery is the same thing can be healthy or unhealthy. There is healthy selfishness and unhealthy selfishness. Its having the wisdom to know the difference that recovery teaches me. And as you noted it just happens as a result of being active in recovery and not through over analysis.
I do however bring the matter up when selfishness is being talked about. As an addict what I did not do well is covered by the concept of balance. That all or none thing.... I did not know how to be healthfully selfish. I was either ALL about me, or ALL about another. "Love" was quite sick. What's the line, as an addict I didn't want a relationship I wanted a prisoner.
So we throw these ideas out, don't be selfishly motivated, as if we understand balance.
Not sure about you but I know when it comes to these concepts that require balance I need to take my addiction seriously and spend a little time discussing the how it looks if its healthy issues.
Selfishness is in and of itself not a bad thing. Can be very bad. Also is a healthy motivation in recovery. How does it look when its healthy? How does it look when it is unhealthy.
And for me, its who is in the center of the Universe. Me or God? Staying surrendered keeps my selfishness healthy. Being surrended does not stop me from being selfish as I don't want to stop being selfish.
-- Edited by imikens on Thursday 10th of June 2010 08:39:56 AM
WITH GOD,ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!When I surrendered in 1984,I only went to NA and another fellowship for a little more than a year,after my sponsor died,I continued the journey on my own,God centered,but not understanding the real cause of my sickness,addiction to all things in my life.For more than 20 years I watched my life,even as I thought I was walking as close with the God of my understanding as I could,continue to disinigrate., still free from active addiction,but overun by character defects and shortcomings,(fallen nature)I was led back into the rooms only by Gods grace and found peace and a way to be an empowered agent of God not only with Him "first" in all things but learning about my illness and how the spiritual principles of NA. service,sponsorship,and sharing with others kept me focused on my main goal,to be everything God intended me to be.In a God given program,putting Him first in every situation lets the rest of "the worlds stuff trinkle down.Is it easy,no!,do I want to retaliate,control,be right,be the center,sure,until, I reflect on what really my life is about....Like I said before the best words I am waiting to hear are"well done ,my good and faithful servant"! I have to really get out of the way to ensure that will be what I hear..No matter what, I don't use(drugs,),and I am a vessel to be used by the God of my understanding for His purpose.All the knowledge of this world will fade away as we know nothing only what we are allowed to,whatever your Higher Power is and it states that it only need be loving and caring and greater than you,be loving and caring,don't forget what it feels like....
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
