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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Understanding
Post Info TOPIC: Understanding
sflowers


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Understanding
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My childs father is an addict & chronic re-lapser.  We are no longer together in the sense of a relationship but live together for financial reasons. 

He has been convicted twice for drug possession.  He rarely manages to stay clean averaging two months between using at best.  In Nov he took off with my car loosing his job & costing me mine, as he was gone 4 days & I could not get to work.  Since Nov he had "supposedly" stayed clean.  A few days ago he left in my car to run an errand & did not return for 2 days.  He returned drove my car to work & took off again. 

After all the stealing and lies & being put through hell all I hear when he returns is the same lines & all I see is the same routine. He walks in after disappearing for days, eats something, takes a shower then crawls into to bed to spend the rest of the day coming down from his high without so much as a word to me. He wakes up hours later & goes about as if nothing ever happened.  Rarely I might hear he's sorry or that he made a mistake or didn't mean to do it.  To me that means nothing.  I want him to walk in & acknowledge what he's done, hear what I have to say.  But it's as if, oh well if I just put you through hell. 
Is this typcial addict behavior?  Do addicts reach a point where they have no care for how they have hurt & cost others? 



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JoeB


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In 1987 I was a 29 year old man who'd walk next door ( I lived in a trailer next to my mother) to tell my 73 year old mother a lie so I could borrow her car and drive it to the methadone clinic. I relapsed for 10 years (1979-1989) when people stopped helping me in 1988 and I had to do everything myself, I got clean and stayed clean in a matter of months.

I don't think they did it with any faith that I'd change, they just took care of themselves.

I didn't live with any of my family but the reationships were Deeeeeeep with 6 e's.



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imikens


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"Do addicts reach a point where they have no care for how they have hurt & cost others?"

Proably more like they aren't aware of it as it matters little to them.  They don't matter to them.  Why would you?  The only thing that matters is the effect from their drug of choice.  Remember we use because we liked the effect.  Its not that complicated. 

In many ways recovery is learning to have a similar "effect" but in healthy dare I say normal ways.  We learn that we can even have a better effect then we could imagine was possible.   There ususally is nothing wrong the the desired effect.  Often times its just wanting to feel "ok".  There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel "ok".  Problem is they way we are getting there and at some point we learned we could use a short cut.  We didn't actually have to do the work to have healthy relationships with others so we could belong, be accepted, participate, receive, give, and as a result feel good about ourselves.  We could take a pill, take a hit, suck on a pipe, have sex, etc., and by-pass all the work normal folks or really folks we thought were suckers were doing.  We could get to the effect with a short cut.  Who needs to learn to share feelings with folks in a respectable way and with ownership?  Not me, I'm going to take another vicodin......

Our shortcuts of course were very costly shortcuts, but quick and for awhile effective.  Cost some folks their lives.

If you expect an addict acting in their addiction to "understand" anything about others  I suggest you need to brush up on what addiction is about.

However and more importantly you do have a shot at least at helping him.  A shot.   Not certain.  And it is when you stop enabling him.  You are enabling him.

Sorry.  But there it is.

Please see if there is some kind of Al-anon in your area that can help you. 

Edit:

Here is their web site.  You can find help through them.  You are not alone.  You are in a situation many many others have faced and help is available. 

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Find a meeting here:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

-- Edited by imikens on Wednesday 9th of June 2010 11:37:50 AM

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sflowers


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Very true. Took me 3 yrs to even, begin to understand addiction and 3 yrs to understand that I was "one" of the main contributors to his addiction.  After 5 yrs of living together on & off I kicked him out last Feb swearing he would never live with me again.  I was never more free nor felt more peace.  When my job became unable to support myself & my daughter he approached me on moving back in.  He was working 10hr job said he would help to pay bills saw myself with no choice.  Since then it's been nothing but the same pattern, didn't really expect any less but I hoped.  Financially not in a position to kick him out as I am unemployed & he is only one working. 
Al-anon & narcotics anonymous meetings both in the area. Been hesitant to ever go.  know I could never bring myself to share, not an addict just a family member of addict.  Just felt I would be out of place & everyone would think I was out of place.  Silly, I know.

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imikens


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"hesitant to ever go."

Go.  If everyone one who felt hesitant to go didn't go, there'd be no Al-=anon.

Go.....

In fact there wouldn't be any AA, NA, CMA, church, etc.

You have some hard choices to make no doubt.  Putting them off ever help things get better?

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MIKEF


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Welcome sflowers! Addicts will do whatever necessary to get the next one.Some are sicker than others..I also am a member of Naranon,a program similar to AL-ANON, AL-ATEEN but geared for friends and relatives of addicts.My son is a recovering IV heroin abuser (24) who went off the cliff at 17.You will have to learn to take care of yourself.You  may be as addicted to him as he is to his drugs/ The program will teach you the tools to know how not to continually enable any user and to keep your recovery first(yes we need to recover form our co-dependence on our addicts also)You can attend meetings a few times and see if they are for you.You can google NARANON.COM and possibly find a listing of where they meet in your area..My now 24 year old is in recovery,working a program 'one day at a time'.His addiction shook 25 years of my own recovery to its core..I needed help even though I wear both hats( I am still an active member giving back )..You will learn to love them enough to let them fall and be responsible for their own actions ,just like an addict.It is not easy but it is why we say "it works,if you work it"..I'll keep you in prayer,stay in touch here,Check out some other forums if need be for co-dependence and other 12 step programs,It is a heartbreaking journey,but with the tools you can learn to help rather than continue blocking the fall...peace///smile

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Fiesty


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I lied, cheated, stole and until my family said "No" I had to go to the bitter end - and ONLY then was I abel to reach out to the folks that could help me - for me in the beggining was plenty of treatment centers - then eventually I landed in Narcotics Anonymous - boy did that change my life - But the answers of "NO" saved my life - hope that helps

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rocky


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sometimes you have to get tuff with an addict stop enableing him and just say no

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salvagable


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I feel your situationno, but is like Mike saids, you have to take a stand for your self now, other wise things will continue to detiorate, the only thing that will get your significant other to stop if ever is a severe awakening, hopefully it won't  have to be killing himself or  some one in the process, you can do it, the support is out there, it won't come knocking you have to get out there and take your life back, it won't be easy ,but it is possible, God will help the two of yous , bless you and  good luck.....

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