My husband will be getting out of treatment next month and would like to come home.My daughter (not his child) is currently living with me and refuses to live with my husband.My daughter took a semester out of college last year and helped me save my home from foreclosure.Today because of Al-Anon and working with my sponsor and working the 12 step program I do not have stress in my life.I have found peace of mind and serenity.My life is no longer filled with chaos and despair.I love my husband but he has not been able to get his driver license back or a vehicle while he has been in long-term treatment.Moreover, once he leaves treatment, he has a legal mess to clean up and will be immediately placed on house arrest until he goes to court for business burglary.
My logical mind says wait time is not my enemy.I can not help my husband financially and he will be unable to contribute to the household until he cleans up his financial and legal issues.We have been married for 12 years and separated April of last year.
I feel like I am abandoning him but I know that his parents can provide him with financial support and a place to life.
Am I being selfish and inconsiderate?
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Tuesday 8th of June 2010 03:06:08 PM
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Tuesday 8th of June 2010 03:06:33 PM
Hi Delta! Glad to hear you are working program and finding some serenity in your life.I cannot offer any advice but only suggest that you pray and think carefully what your next move is.You have mentioned a few things that I see as thoughts already in your mind.He will have a place to go and can get help from his parents.If your daughter is not comfortable with this,how is house arrest ,in your house going to work?Just because his treatment program is over I would think that he will still have to "earn" your trust again.That doesn't mean you don't love him or are abandoning him.I believe communication on how you are really feeling directly with him would be most beneficial,difficult but doable..Are you willing to drive him around if he has no license. Is It better to establish all these things from a distance? It is something you and your daughter and your husband will have to work out. I know ,as you are aware,I also attend Naranon for my son a 24 year old ,recovering heroin addict and there are still many trust,responsibility and other factors that we have to work out. We say in your own way and your own time .Remember ,you just like the addict, need to focus on your recovery.Can you do that right back in the mix again???You will, im sure get many pieces of "advice' on this especailly from family members.I will pray you find the answers that will help you all.. .Seek your 3rd/11th steps out daily and share with your sponsor.Read your literature and make a decision you can live with for at least "one day at a time"..Let us know how its going okay..In support ...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Sometimes I've observed that the greatest gesture and act of love and care that I could practice in context of a loved one is to allow him or her to have their problems/pain and to let them find a way out as it was for me. Giving them the right to sort out through their mess I know from my own experiences helped me a lot when it was done to me.
Today, in context of my loved ones/friends/sponsees, I try to be there when they reach out to me, but with detachment and without disrupting reality for me and for them. When I was working the Steps with my Sponsor first time around as a newcomer, whenever I got into problems or crises, my Sponsor didn't help me get out of the mess but shared how I could apply Steps on the situation, to deal with it...
As Mike shared above, through Nar-Anon I also learnt to come to believe in a Power greater than me and my loved one that's in charge, believing that this Power is taking care of my loved one just as I'm being taken care of gives me a lot of strength, peace and hope.
I can only share what worked for me, glad you have a working Al-Anon Program. Prayers and best wishes!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
My daughter (not his child) is currently living with me and refuses to live with my husband.My daughter took a semester out of college last year and helped me save my home from foreclosure.Today because of Al-Anon and working with my sponsor and working the 12 step program I do not have stress in my life.I have found peace of mind and serenity.My life is no longer filled with chaos and despair.
You are all right. My mind knows what to do but my heart aches.
My husband lost a good job and now works 25-30 hours per week on a minimum wage job. Next month, he will be paying for the ankle bracelet (monitoring fee) and the probation office fee. He owes money in back child support, unemployment and has major legal issues he will be facing.
Good God what a mess! My husband is 45 years old and has business burglary felonies on his record and this limits his marketability in the job arena. This will be his 3rd felony for business burglary in Mississippi. His last felony was committed 13 years ago and he server time in prison for that.
I feel like an idiot posting this because I already know what I must do in order to maintain my peace of mind..
Folks, I feel like my husband's life is a lost cause and just want to cry.
Thanks for allowing me to post here.
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Tuesday 8th of June 2010 04:43:01 PM
Delta, Just because you say you know what to do ,still doesn't make it any easier!.We help each other with honest sharing.After almost 3 years in Naranon,knowing all the tools ,we still chose to bail our son of jail because we thought he was clean,would lose his job and his medicaid.It came back in spades,he drove our car ,totalled it,lost his job anyway for nodding out and missing his night paperroute and got tickets for the accident.I felt like I had failed so badly,but because I was working a process,I was able to pick myself up,learn the lesson and move forward.I had relapsed on co-dependance,even being 25 years free from my own active addiction..It eventually dawned on us that we did "love him enough' to let him fall on his own,learn his own lessons and be responsible for his actions.By the grace of God he is in recovery today,but its still one day at a time for all of us!!We all think"like idiots" when caught in the grip, whether your using or addicted to your significant other.This is a process for us and it takes work each day...Please come back and let us know how its going,you help keep us focused and aware knowing we are all on the edge when lifes battering ram doesnt let up!As always I suggest getting with God of your understanding and really try and turn it over!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I believe there is a loving God who IS caring for our loved ones, right now at this very moment! It might not seem so, I might not be able to see it from where I am, but nevertheless, coming to believe in this works for me.
Blessings and prayers to you and your loved ones DeltaRedd1984.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
IT's sounds like you are on the road of recovery - my suggestion talk to your sponsor, pray about it - as avid states - you know what to do - Trust what you have been doing and the answer will surley come
Your husbands life is not a loss cause , not unless he allows it to be, from what you say, I see he still has a ways to go, but for your sake ( if he wants to change and truly loves you, he must do it alone) he can still repair what ever damage he has done in the past, it won't be easy and it will take some time, but it is possible if he truly wants to live, for now your support must remain at a distance, all you can do is re-assure him that you love him, but for the two of you to get back together he must learn to love himself and do what ever it takes to repair the damage his addiction has caused, God bless you and good luck...
