thanks for sharing.

Also, at times I've found that my desire to have certain people as part of my recovery in NA has only resulted in shock and frustration... at times I've come to realize through certain experiences that no matter how hard I try to be honestly friendly and caring, understanding and accomodative, some people just did not want to be that way at all, or were incapable of reciprocating. I had to take this as my Higher Power's direction that although I might admire a person, or would want to be a good friend with this person, this person is just not meant to be in my social circle. Hard to accept, and live with it, but very true in terms of my experiences.

Not to forget that my frustration and disappointment has nothing to do with the other person or the way he is, just that I at times place high expectations on others, and at other times, when I myself behave in indifferent ways with another, it's much easier to deal with my frustration in context of others when I see what I feel is lacking in another, in myself!

Still, I try to be as neutral as possible, as tolerant as possible when met with indifference and hostility, knowing that even these people that are not meant to be part of my social life are there in the perimeter of my life in NA with a reason, that I see some part of me and get to deal with it merely due to their presence.

Of course, sanity and serenity thus achieved with the help of working the Program apart, it does hurt that the other is thinking or saying something vicious about me behind my back, or that this person is simply incapable of reciprocating from the heart like I would want him to, but then again, that's my issue, I have to own it and deal with it I guess...

Also, knowing that others who are indifferent with me might be in a lot of suffering does help me relate and empathise, knowing that all this has nothing to do with me but with this person's own state of mind puts things in proper perspective for me, and more than anything else, at times, keeping the faith that people do turn around in due time, and treating them with love and respect anyway just because I want to (irrespective of how they respond or don't) has been liberating for me...

I tried to draw boundaries and avoid one such member in the last one year, turning down all suggestions of hanging out together and so on. Now, he seems to be quite different, even caring at times, and we fellowship in much healthier ways today.

At the end of recovery meetings, I make it a point to think and pray for both me and exactly that person who I feel has hurt me when a moment of silence is called for the suffering addict before the closing prayer...

Just felt like sharing...

-- Edited by Polartorch on Sunday 23rd of May 2010 12:43:29 PM

Bottom line for me is=
I am powerless over addiction and I admit sometimes addiction likes to come in the guise of relationships.
I just admit powerlessness and move on.
I also try and remember that " our people pleasing nature carried us deeper into our addiction " like the Text says and whenever I want to chase those who reject me, Im proving to myself Im still an addict acting out on a relationship addiction.

That said, i gained very valuable insight from a very understanding psychologist who said to try and not read too much into rejections.
Part and parcel of everyday living and keepms me humble to know that I cannot be friends with everyone but can still foloow the motto "Love all, serve all".
I keep an open mind and open door so that when someone comes knocking, I can say
"Do come in "

MIKEF wrote:

---

awareness of things going on and making correct choices ,only in recovery for this addict!!!

---

Here here

Also, such people I've observed would do anything to people-please. You'll be seduced into believing that they could actually mean what they are saying, and this could happen even when I've had an open mind, just like a member shared above, when I've given the benefit of doubt to another thinking that maybe he has really come around this time, and you just start trusting them when voila, out of the blue, their abusive nature is unleashed!


-- Edited by Polartorch on Monday 24th of May 2010 11:20:13 AM

Also, it helps to spot the same thing in me at times when I spot it in another. Like our literature says - we need to forgive others as we ourselves need to be forgiven.Moreover, it does not make me feel any better to put someone down as one of our JFT topics speaks about.

I've heard some nasty stuff being spoken about me by this member recently, and it's not the first time around, I've dealt with a lot of gossip and slander before, and I know that it's nothing to do with me... Still I find it very difficult to imagine that this same member could actually pretend to be so sweet and caring whenever I happen to bump into him, giving me a false impression while he's indulging in this sick behavior behind my back, that's why this topic struck me - a contrary person, or rather a contradictory person

Well, this same person has done this with quite a few other members too in the past and many have warned me about it, but somehow I tried to keep an open mind and give the benefit of doubt... In fact, I've seen this member literally stalk another to a point where this other member had to tell him to stay away a few years back. I should have known then and there.

Anyways, the blessing behind this all - the first thing that struck me when I felt hurt after hearing this fresh round of nasty thing that this person is upto, was remembering all the times from my past that I was upto the same thing, and remembering why I did that, what I thought I would achieve by doing this due to my mistaken addictive perceptions, and more importantly how it would have hurt others if they've heard of it.

I thank God that it's been quite some time since I'm away from the need to say vicious things about others to others, or even hear such things about others from others, this has brought me a lot of peace and freedom today in my recovery. The torment and suffering that I've encountered through out my using, of finding everything and everyone faulty, the arrogance and self-righteousness. Staying clean and suffering like that is simply not worth it at all, it's doubly painful, I know that from my own experiences... the hatred, the insanity, the viciousness, I remember I used to project it all on others, realizing that the more I do that, the more I was harming myself above all...

I've harmed many, but most of all, through these acts of harm, I've harmed myself the most!

May our Higher Power keep each one of us safe and away from such suffering, that comes out of both indulging in gossip as well as being subjected to it. God bless us all, and God bless this addict who had a need to gossip and slander about me the other day...

-- Edited by Polartorch on Monday 24th of May 2010 11:48:31 AM

Glad it helped you Rocky, thank you for starting this topic as it provided me the opportunity to share one of my recent situations too. This is exactly how NA works, one addict helping another, when we share and care the NA way with each other. No advice, no diagnoses, no preaching, no debating, just pouring out of our hearts if we can relate to what another has shared, and sharing our own experiences with similar situations and how we tried to deal with it, with the help of the NA Program. It's a great blessing of NA!

And yes, bonding in NA with other members, what we call 'fellowshipping' is an important tool, and risking vulnerability here is actually suggested by our Program. At times, one might feel attracted by what one shares at meetings, and might approach such members. Most of the times, I've been glad I did this, from the time I came in as a newcomer. Most of such efforts has what has kept me clean in my initial few weeks and months, and such friendships continue to support my recovery. There might be an occasional exception to this as I had shared above, but that doesn't mean we isolate ourselves and see everyone as a potential threat in NA, that again I've come to realize is paranoia/mistrust that I carry from my addiction, due to excessive using over years that had altered my state of mind and my sensory perceptions.

However, there are many whose presence in my recovery has been a significant factor, a deciding factor for me to stay in NA, to keep the faith!

this generated alot more imput than i expected i am greatful for your imput it helps that we as addicts can share what we feel and think and bounce this stuff around you guys are great and thank you again