Hello everyone! I am very new to this as today is the first day I am doing something about my 'problem'. I have found a meeting that I can go to tomorrow but have not been to one yet. I guess I am just looking for some support and understanding as all of my friends are drinkers or addicts and I have isolated myself because my goal is to try to stop using drugs and alcohol to medicate/cope/have fun/define myself. I am not addicted to one thing per se. More just addicted to addiction in general. I drink regularly... almost nightly but don't get intoxicated nightly. When I'm not drinking I'm smoking pot, K2, taking sleeping pills or xanax or cold medicine or anything to alter my mind and emotions. Recently, I have been diagnosed with severe adult ADHD and have started on methylin ER. When taken as prescribed it helps me greatly and quiets the incesent chatter in my head providing a calm that i have never known. However, I don't take it as prescribed very often. Instead I break the tablets, snort them, parchute them, take far more than I am supposed to etc. I want to stop letting my need to be chemically altered run my life but I also need certian medications for my mental health... I just want to take them as prescribed and not abuse them but for some reason I can't seem to do this. Anyway, I guess I'm just venting to get it all out as I'm trying to take the right steps towards gaining control over myself and my life. I thank you for taking the time to read this and wish you all well.
NA WELCOMES YOU - sounds like you are on the right track - awareness is always a huge help to getting help - We look forward to your sharing on this site - and hope you go to meetings and don't take anything in between - your life will change - Again Welcome
Welcome Wanderer 7653 (iM PROBABLY GONNA HAVE TO PLAY THAT NUMBER!!!)There I go, one of them defects Im working on:)Excellent idea,make a meeting you'll feel the love.Pick up IP#7(Am I an Addict) IP#16 (For the Newcomer)IP's ARE INFORMATION PAMPHLETS that you may find at meetings.If not you can Google them at NA.ORG and read them online.(you can read them all)They will be helpful,but most of all just show up and take it all in.we are all people who learn to Identify with the disease of addiction and come together to help each other. You are taking the best first step you can,one that will change your life.Welcome and let us know how it went
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Welcome Wanderer. I'm really glad you made the decision to join the program and find a new way of life. I really can relate to being addicted to "addiction in general" yep, I know that one well. I used to say that I was a "more fiend" I would use whatever was available and always wanted more. Prescribed medications, mostly from shrinks were instrumental in several of my addiction related disasters. Not taking them as prescribed and mixing them with alcohol, pot and other intoxicants is what we do. Addict stuff y'know? So again, welcome. You are right where you should be.
.". I just want to take them as prescribed and not abuse them but for some reason I can't seem to do this" HaHa, no offense, BUT, this is the universal cry of ALL us addicts..... The only part I have a problem with is the "I can't seem to do this consistently"... This is the short definition of an addict... And I "are one". Step One says, "We Admitted we were powerless over drugs, and that our lives had become 'unmanageable".....that was putting it mildly for me, my life was a nightmare!! I have been "in active recovery" a long time, and can assure you that if you remain in the "active" catagory, life gets worth living, and you lose the "need" to alter your mood with substances... "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today", and acceptance does NOT mean I approve or agree with the "problems"! I cannot change some of my "problems", BUT, I CAN learn to change how I think about these things..... "The problem is NOT the problem, what I THINK about the problem IS the problem" There IS a solution, It's simple, but it's not easy....so hold on, buckle your seat belt...it can be bumpy in spots....don't use, or you lose.....and, losing can mean "dead"! It AIN"T EASY....but, there IS a solution and there are signs of sanity ahead!! (don't ask my grandkids, whom I am raising, while my adult son repeats the cycle of addiction, or they will tell you, MiMi (thats me :) doesn't have a grain of sanity in her whole body....roflol) Letting go and letting God" can restore us to a better life than the life we threw away.... "I can't.... God CAN....will I let him? It's been MY experience, The more I let HIM run my life, the more peace I have....
mikef: Thanks for the kind welcome! I was feeling like a pushy fool, here I am NEW to this board, and "holdin forth" like I had good sense, lol! That's me, just jump in the pool and swim like a fish!! When I offer more suggestions than called for, someone throw rocks at me, will ya? I'm here cause my life is unmanagable when I get "in my head" over my son.... I live in the boonies, (and love it) but, it's a long way to town and a meeting, and sharing experience, strength and hope, keeps me on the right track.....seeking solutions instead of an eaiser softer way, like taking hostages, flattening tires, robbing a little old lady, hehe, well, you know the drill! I'm glad to find ya's!!
Is there a meeting tonight? I see several schedules, but one says only wed and sat nites?
-- Edited by computermechanic on Wednesday 12th of May 2010 05:11:15 PM
Hey Man! glad your here,yeah I got a 24 in recovery(since December this year after jail!) from bout 7 years hard core heroin use,Talk about staying on the edge,I also am a member of Naranon(similar to Al-ANON only for families friends of addicts.....God definitely got my attention ,after many years started shaking my foundation ,had to work little harder.Jump in ,we need you! BigV usually does the meetings here .I actually havent been on myself.talk to you on the rebound! Someone will be on to help you the the meetings....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I just wanted to thank everyone for their warm welcomes and kind thoughts. So I went to my first meeting and almost had a panic attack on the way in the door. But everyone was very kind and welcoming. Through out the meeting I was still questioning whether or not I should be there or whether or not I was even an addict. Then all of a sudden I started thinking about what I would do with myself after the meeting. The thought of going home was unbearable because I knew I would drink or feel like crawling out of my skin because I had no drugs of any kind. As I drove around in my car for an hour instead of going home, I started crying and realized 'I AM AN ADDICT'. I made it through last night and am making it through tonight as well although I'm eating junk food like there is no tommorow and think that maybe I should find more productive things to do with my time in the evenings. I still feel very alone and isolated as I haven't been having much contact with anyone in my life, however, it's extremely comforting to know that there is a group of people that I can go to for understanding if at the very least. I'll be going to another meeting tomorow night. Thank you all so much for your guidance, and support, it really does mean the world to me right now!
Wanderer, thank you so much for sharing this miracle with us. What you shared cannot be understood, it could only be felt, and in that identification, I was nodding my head while reading through your share. What a breakthrough that one hour of pointless and directionless driving has been for you my friend. Truly a moment of awakening.
Keep sharing, gives me lots of strength and hope. I had a severe panic attack problem with NA meeting rooms too, I just decided to go anyway, and yes, they understood, and even the oldtimers (long-time NA members) weren't afraid to share and show that they still have an anxiety problem, that they do get panic attacks at times, and knowing that helped. It made me feel at home. I knew I belonged there, with these kindred spirits. I keep coming back, IT WORKS!
so it's me again. and apparantly i suck at recovery. For a person who wasn't sure that I had a problem two weeks ago... I sure feel f*@ked up now. I wish I could go back to when I didn't realize I had a problem. That's not entirely true... I just wish I didn't have the problem at all. I am an addict. I hate it. I have gone to two meetings and they seem to help however, when nightfall hits, I get antsy and incredibly uncomfortable. I don't know what to do... I want to stop so badly... I want to live the positive productive life I know that I can live and that I deserve, but for some reason I just keep giving up on myself time and again. Everytime I go to a meeting I've gotten the 'just for today' key tag, however, I feel like I will never go beyond that. I quit the ritalin because I was out and I gave into drinking. I got my prescription refilled today and had every intention of giving all of it to my boyfriend. However, I had my dose increased and put 30 pills in the old bottle and saved 30 back for 'just in case'. In a day I've probably had 15. I want to stop, but I'm afraid that if I tell him what I did he will leave me... he's put up with so much shit with my mental health and once I came clean about my addiction last week, I promised that I would not lie to him anymore. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can't I stop doing this???? I am so fucking angry at myself for doing this again. I want to be honest, but I don't want to lose him... but I also don't want it to get worse and have losing him be my bottom. I don't know what to do... I feel out of control. If I keep this up, I will die. I'm sorry for the foul language and negativity here, I am just so angry at myself for doing the one thing I promised him and myself that I would not do again. I feel as though I can go to a meeting tomorow but that I will ultimately fuck it up afterwards. I have a college degree, a phenomenal resume, a professional job, no one knows the horrid things I do to myself time and time again. I feel like my entire life is a lie and as though no one honestly knows me and if they did know the things that I've done that I would lose my job, my son, my boyfriend, my life. I feel so alone and no one knows of what I've done so they can't possibly be supportive... if they find out, they will ultimately leave me. God I am so selfish!!!! I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be better for everyone in my life. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to live this way anymore.... everyone deserves so much better from me even if they have no idea that I have this obsessive drug/alcohol monster inside of me. I don't know what I need to do next. I just want to stop but feel like I can't, or I don't know how. I'm sorry, I'm just venting. I just had to get these thoughts out because they are killing me. Please help me by guiding me to help myself.
Hi Sarah. Glad you came back and posted again. Just a little technical hint...Consider a new post instead of continuing an old one....more people will see it and respond.
What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can't I stop doing this???? The answer is simple Sarah. Your an addict. What is wrong with you is that you suffer from the disease of addiction. An incurable illness of the body, mind, and spirit. It cannot be cured but it can be arrested. You don't have to feel like this anymore...If you follow the program IT WILL GET BETTER.
I don't know what to do... I feel out of control. If I keep this up, I will die. Yes you will die. That's what the disease wants. But you have a choice. By surrendering to the fact that you have a disease and immersing yourself in the NA program of recovery you can not only save your life, but actually start living again REAL LIVING.
I feel as though I can go to a meeting tomorow but that I will ultimately fuck it up afterwards. Go to the meeting. If there are two meetings go to two, or three. Speak up. Tell the people there that you are sick, frightened, and feeling hopeless. Ask for help. Hang out after the meeting and talk to women, ask for phone numbers, and most important.....CALL THEM.
I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be better for everyone in my life. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to live this way anymore.. And you don't have to. right now, it's all about going to meetings, meeting other women in the program who have good clean time, and calling them between meetings.
I don't know what I need to do next. Ours is a simple program, if not necessarily easy. Go to meetings and ask for help Get phone numbers of women with clean time Call them and follow their suggestions.
Sarah, you like to mention that you have advanced degrees and a professional position. I too had those things but the disease robbed me of this and more. I was devastated. I thought my life was over. I considered and actually "practiced" killing myself. Then I found the rooms of NA. I can live, love, and feel joy again. My children have regained respect for me, and most of all I have regained respect for myself. The program promises one thing only "That any addict can lose the desire to use drugs and find a new way of life." I did. So have tens of thousands of others. So can you. Prayers for your recovery Sarah
-- Edited by avid on Thursday 20th of May 2010 07:30:29 AM
