I have had a number of sponsees (about 25) and almost all of them simply do not hear a word I say. I feel so helpless and frustrated!
As of last week I had six. As of today I have two.
1. Last week one came straight out of detox. I met him at the meeting. He listened patiently while I suggested cheap places to stay then quietly went off to live in the park and drink himself to death. This is a friend and peer of several years standing!
2. Again, last week I was having coffee with another, a workaholic, who shared with me that he was going to use last night but couldn't get his drug of choice so he stayed clean to tell me the tale. I suggested he quit some of his work deadlines and come to more meetings. Instantly he stood up and said "That's not going to happen" and walked away. He has not busted yet, but neither has he called me in the week since or gone to more than one meeting.
This Friday another sponsee living in the country had agreed to ring me and share step work before a Saturday meeting. He didn't show. No call. No cancellation. Nothing. This being the third time he has failed to contact me when he promised, and he having done absolutely no step work, I cannot call him a sponsee any longer.
Then today, to my shock, a dedicated, willing guy with a bit less than 120 days up met up with me to share his fourth step and instead informed me that he didn't want to take the steps with me.
When I asked why he mumbled a bunch of nonsense and cliches. When I called him on his dishonesty he simply shut down spiritually; there was nobody home. He had no plans for a new sponsor, and no reason for finishing with his old sponsor; I could only conclude he intends to use again. Shocked and saddened by his decision, I tried to talk to him and met a brick wall. He just could not listen to either reason or feeling.
I am so frustrated at this kind of thing! What can I do?
Is there some way I can test out potential sponsees to see if they are really, truly serious? Is there some better way I can communicate the precarious, life-and-death nature of the disease of addiction to them?
More importantly for Narcotics Anonymous as a whole, I have had about 25 sponsees, and almost all of them are gone, using, mad, dead, and sick with addicition. I wonder how I could have done better? Maybe I could have carried our message better?
Hi Alara! welcome to the forum!!! Sponsorship is a big step in "giving back" but there arer some guidelines that can help you.For one the 'Sponsorship BOOK WRITTEN FOR NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS HAS A LOT OF DIFFERENT SCENARIOS AND OUTLINES YOU CAN USE.For me when I take on any sponcee we actually sit down first ,sort of like an interview, IN writing like a contract I give them paperwork,,I asked what they expect from our relationship,I tell them what i expecte,gave them a brief IDEA OF HOW i WOULD SPONSOR,working steps(our main purpose)(OBVIOUSLY DIFFERENT IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS) Contact information,confidentiality issues,ask them if okay to share there info with my sponsor,etc,where my spirituality comes from(all my stuff)..By doing things like this beforehand,both people can get an idea of what the process is going to be and you can see it faltering early on and hopefully work a better process, and keep resentments out out of the picture.Once we get this first meeting worked out, I LET THEM TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEir STEP WORK AND OTHER PARTS OF THE SOLUTION THEY NEED TO WORK FOR THEMSELVES.I am not there sponsor to "manage them.I expect them to call me and to follow the guidelines, because if they want what I have I can only help them by showing them my actions......We actually had discussions on this board month or so back about 'do you let sponceesgo" if not working the process etc.Its a sticky situation and you never want to give up on someone but it is possible you may not be the best for that person.There are some valid guidelines though,..if your recovery is indanger,serious breach of confidentiality issues,,following suggestions gets a little more in depth??I would suggest talking with your sponsor,getting copy of SPONSORSHIP(NA APPROVED LITERATURE)and also don't beat yourself up.Remember we are one addict trying to help another and if the person doesnt want help(wont follow suggestions,refuses to make attempts to work in the solution you will have to decide(with literature knowledge,feelings from your heart,input from your sponsor and praying to the God of your understanding) if the relationship is even helpful.....Sponsors do let sponcees go if they refuse to take suggestions, endanger your recovery,complete dishonestly(notice I say complete,because early on its what we know and honesty will have to be nourished) etc..I dont believe we should ever 'REJECT' ANOTHER but we may not be the best sponsor for that person.Good luck and good job in trying to do what we need to do carry the message ,work the solution of our program with another sick and sufffering individual..You can order 'Sponsorship' thru area,world or web site (NA.ORG)but as you are aware its only a guideline for you ,there are as many different ways people sponsor others.mY SPONSOR IS MUCH DIFFERENT IN HIS APPROACH THEN I AM in mine ,but it works for us.Let us know how you make out.Make sure your in good shape!!!.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
alara,Isn't 25 too many sponsees ? You must not be able to handle all of there help they need.That is spreading your sponsorship quality to thin. A change in you tactics may be needed.It's your way ,I am just giveing suggestions.
Thanks for point that out; I wasn't clear enough: I have sponsored about 25 people over the last 2 and a half years. Almost all of them are gone after a few months.
Until last week I was sponsoring 6. My sponsor instructed me to take on no more than the 6. I now have two active sponsees.
MIKEF: I looked at the Sponsorship book two years ago and couldn't make head or tail of it, and then coincidentally our area H&I chair suggested it to me last week.
Thank you for your suggestion: I will definitely check it out.
hI aLARA! for me,the "interview method 'with your sponcee seem to be really helpful for both addicts>>ITS CLEAR FROM BEGINNING WHAT 'BOTH PEPLE ARE LOOKING FOR TO FORM A 'GOOD WORKING RELATIONSHIP" OUR BOTTOM LINE IS TO HELP SPONCEE WORK THRU STEPS,if they dont want to do that they why are they looking for a sponsor??anyway good luck.. i AM GLAD CD BROUGHT UP ABOUT 25 SPONCEE THING,I TOOK FOR GRANTED YOU WERENT SPONSORINGF THAT MANY AT ONCE.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hello Alara, I was told by my sponser - that I am just a vessel - my job is to stay clean and carry the message - What I have found - many will ask for a sponsor do some work then stop - then use - call sponser work some steps then use - I am not here to judge - just carry the message - plant the seed - because when they asked that was all I was to do - If they stayed or not - If they work steps or not - but when I felt I was doing all the work - I inform - that I have my own set of steps - Also, let them know probably are slipping and unless you are willing I must move on. And detach with love - It is not my job to make, control or manipulate folks to work the steps - Sometimes letting them go - may be a huge tool for people to get back or on track - When the folks let me go and carry on in my disease - I finally admitted I need help - People stop doing it for me - so I got to experience the journey full of pain, loneliness, dispair and only then was I able to bow down and do some work - This shit don't change - The rules are still the same -If you want what we have you will do the work - Today I am here to help the addict work thru the 12 steps - I work the 12 steps and the rest is a divine plan - I don't get to write the plan or even bring the plan around - That is GOD's job. Hope that helps
-- Edited by Fiesty on Monday 12th of April 2010 02:01:08 PM
-- Edited by Fiesty on Monday 12th of April 2010 02:01:59 PM
-- Edited by Fiesty on Monday 12th of April 2010 02:02:39 PM
Hey Alara, Glad you found us. This is indeed a great place to vent. An observation; You use the word "I" 22 times in your post.
I hear ya avid. Right there in that 'I' would be a resentment.
Right on schedule, the workaholic ex-sponsee just now called to say he'd busted. I feel waves of frustration and sadness wash through me; he is a close friend and I cannot hope to be friends with him when he is using.
So, as you seem to suggest, avid, what's my part in this?
I bitterly resent the human race for being so blind and stupid. It impacts my social instinct and emotional security - how can I trust and relate to people who constantly forget the most basic truth that we have no defense against the disease?
The truth is I am selfishly relating not to them but to my own dis-ease as it manifests in them; serenity is grace under pressure and I need to seek God's grace at every stage of my work with others, rather than pretend this work is reliant on my own self. I am so driven by fear of returning to active addiction that I take every precaution I can - I overcontrol things. I am inconsiderate that others have not had, nor may not have it in them to have, the kind of awakening I have experienced, so I need to be gentle with them; and that right there is spiritual egotism.
How am I self-seeking in regards to these sponsees. It seems I am not; I am seeking God's Will to the very best of my ability in all my affairs.
What's the defect? Relying on self rather than on God, running on fear rather than faith.
What's the asset? Devotion and faith.
Amends are to self. I ought to chill the fuck out and stop thinking I could be doing better. I ought to keep my opinions to myself. I ought to affirm that all is in divine order. And I ought to let my sponsees chase me if they want recovery.
It's not about me; it's about our loving higher power.
It's not a selfish program; it's a spiritual program.
Doing that doesn't make the upset go away but it brings the serenity I need to get through today. Thanks for the provocation, avid; I appreciate it.
What do you have that your protege's want? They have to want this for themselves. You are doing this for your own sobriety, and if they aren't done, there's no use to be working with them. Meetings don't keep the real addict sober, working the steps to have a spiritual eperience is.
Have you had your spiritual experience?
That is what you need to ask yourself.
Keep finding others who are DONE, and want what you have, if you focus on the ones who don't want it, it ruins your chance to be helpful to someone who really needs it.
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