I've been online all day trying to find a support group where I could interact online. Transportation is a battle for me right now and I'm desperate to get clean. I have a dual diagnosis with Schizo-affective/Depressive (addtnl info: http://www.healthyplace.com/thought-disorders/schizoaffective-disorder/symptoms-causes-diagnosis-treatment/menu-id-1137/) and an Addictive Disorder. This was the only group that seemed relevant at all.
The breaks from reality associated with my illness cause me to sincerely believe that recovery isn't a possibility. I hate using. I've lived with my partner, my fiance, who also uses. He works nights as an entertainer and the drugs really became a problem when he started getting more popular. I didn't know about my illness back then. I'm not sure if it would have changed anything and I usually hide all my fear from him. Believing that I really had no hope for sobriety and not even being sure that I wanted to stop using I developed strategies and plans for hiding both my illness and my addiction without it affecting my life too significantly. I'm a full-time student with decent grades and I own and operate a small home business. I can't call my business successful, but it's growing and I'm proud of it.
But there are days when my pain-both physical and emotional is so great that no amount of positive thinking, self-help, or motivation can get me through, I have to use... I don't necessarily want to, maybe I do, but my drugs take away that pain... I don't have to live with 60% of what makes my medical illness so debilitating. I shouldn't have accomplished near what I have since I've been ill. I shouldn't have the strength to jog around the lake in the morning-all these things are miracles and they are miracles that drugs made possible...but if I have to use the drug to live then I have to ask myself if it's really worth living.
I've read the twelve steps and I don't really understand how to put them into practice. I don't understand the concept of living one day at a time. I don't understand how we can be powerless over making a simple choice to act one way or another- I don't understand how, if we are powerless, the program works-if we are truly powerless then how are other addicts supposedly clean? How are you supposed to turn your life and your will over to something you don't understand? Life has been cruel to me and I don't trust it to be kind to me or empower me in any way, if it wanted to help me, god-life-the universe-karma-shiva-whatever any definition of God wanted to help me then why hasn't it? I've asked. Above all other things I don't understand what brought desperate lonely isolated confused or otherwise people together with the mutual desire of not wanting to use. In my experience when I'm around another user, we use... we don't cry about it and embrace mythical creatures.
Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to offend I'm just trying to address all of my excuses with the little bit of faith that I have left that maybe there is something left that isn't another lie or fluffy advertisement.
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~LoveDefiesLogic~ Elizabeth Binion ebinion@marykay.com
Welcome Elizabeth!,thanks for sharing so deeply in your bio and post.You got a lot of things going on but you talked about "hating using" but not sure if you are ready to stop,or having no hope that you can stop.We have a 5th tradition that tells us 'an addict,any addict can stop using drugs,lose the desire to use and find a new way to live."We suffer from a physical,mental and spiritual disease that manifests itself in all areas of our lives, not just drugs..Our powerlessness for us means using drugs against our will,if we can't stop using how can we be in control?You are prodding the question Can I control my use of drugs?Our inability to stop even with will power and a sincere desire is what we mean when we say we have no choice.We do have a choice after we try and stop "justifying: our using though.The steps are a process that follow in order as they are written and our solution is in the steps, starting with our 1st step ,admission and total surrender.By working the process of Narcotics Anonymous by making meetings,getting a sponsor(main purpose to guide you through the steps)sharing your pain and following suggestions you can work toward a solution and work out of the problem.Coming to believe(2nd step) is a process,not an event and the beauty there is your 'God' can be whatever your concept is of GOD even if it is no God at all,but that all comes in order after your 1st step is fully incorporated in your life.You just need to come to hear the message of hope and based on the evidence of other suffering addicts who have found freedom from active addiction you can finally gain that sense of hope that you say you are missing.What brought us together is "the pain finally outweighed the pleasure"We wanted the pain to stop and our lives to become manageable(the other part of our 1st step) You don't need to understand the program just keep showing up its not a magic show but you do need to "stick around for the miracle" to happen.We also have IP'S (information pamphlets ) "In times of illness" and substitute therapies (methadone/suboxone)for clarity in medication usage.I will shut this down by saying if you don't think we can help you can always go back to where you are but I would hope that you make the admission that you are powerless and your life is unmanageable because you are reaching out.This site, as has been stated is NOT Narcotics Anonymous but it is a rough mixture of people who follow the NA way of life and recovery and are here to share there experience ,strength and hope with each other.I am just another addict,living "one day at a time"(because that's what I can manage sometimes hours ,sometimes minutes).I am not just abstinent from drugs but working a lifetime program of recovery that affects every area of my life even after the drugs have long ago been put down.We are here by attraction and not promotion and our advertisement is the proof of "lives saved by working the program.I wanted to try and address each of your concerns so was a little wordy,hope you come back,there will be others here willing to share their ESH and give your their input on your questions ,stay tuned hope to see you on the rebound peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Elizabeth, Thanks for the honest sharing of your pain and concern. The drugs you take to get high or to mask pain will make you feel better in the short term. If they didn't then none of us would have used. But there is alot of pain that is caused by using. That's why your here. Like Mike said 'the steps are the solution" Admitting powerlessness is a scary prospect, but you are practically there already. You use even when you don't want to. So where is your power and control? Once you surrender to the fact that the disease of addiction is too strong for you to beat on your own, you are on your way to recovery. In Narcotics Anonymous we realize that we cannot get better alone....We can only do it together. That is step 2. "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". At this stage of your recovery that power is the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. If we go to meetings, get and use phone numbers of other recovering addicts, wisely choose a sponsor and call her, read NA literature, work the steps, and did I mention go to meetings?!!. then we are not alone.. We are relying on the experience strength and hope of many people...a power greater than ourselves, to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, namely stop using.
Thank you so much for visiting. Please consider yourself a part of this group.
We need you as much as you need us.
We are all here together trying to stay clean for just one day.
