sitting here staring at this empty page for hours.
i know what i have to do but why is it so hard to do this time?
i cant shake the feeling that i don't want to give myself up to my higher power.
i don't want to stop. ever. but last time i almost died and ended up in the hospital.
if i dont stop my health will decrease faster then it already is. i'll admit it im afraid to die.
im afraid of what will happen. which is probably why im still here and havent successfully killed myself.
vini i wish you could just slap some sense into me and slap me right across the face as hard as you could. that would be just fantastic.
i had a panic attack like 20 min ago. i dont even know why but it was probably one of the worse ones ive ever had.
i know what to do but i dont at the same time. does that make sense?
4 weeks of school left and i have yet to write 2 papers and i have a math test tomorrow that i have not studied for and dont plan on studying for it.
can i straighten my thoughts out and be some what normal? probably not.
i dont know why but i was having thoughts about robbing a bank today. ive never stole well i have but nothing big and i think the adrenaline would just be awesome.
what to do, what to do.
maybe i should just lock myself up. i dont know.
i cant even think straight anymore.
or walk in a somewhat straight line.
i fell out of my car today in the parking.
i bet the people walking by thought i was drunk. they were staring at me.
am i really that big of an idiot i cant even get out of my car without falling on my face? apparently.
im rambling. and i feel another panic attack coming
so im out.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Hey Liz, Wantneeda kinda said what I was thinking. Your all wrapped up in yourself, and that is a very dangerous thing for addicts to do. Why not try something like coming on to this website for a week and not starting your own post or talking at all about how you feel. Just read what others are posting, think about how they are feeling, and write suggestions or comments with the only purpose of trying to help them. I have done things like this as an exercise in getting outside of my head and it makes me feel better if I'm willing to see it through. No matter what, keep coming back.
gOOD TO SEE YOU lIZ!!! Reach out and help somebody today,will get you "outta that place inside your head"" and make you feel good..Gllad you stopped back in
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Slapping you around wont do any good we do a better job of that on ourselves then anyone else can.
THere will be a jumping off point for you Liz hopefully before you end up dying from your addiction i hope so. It takes what it takes your very young still but we all hope to raise your bottom and let you know it's not going to get any better and the sooner you accept that and realize just how powerless you are the sooner you will grab onto that power greater then your addiction greater then anything out there.
Your dealing with phantoms, fear, depression, anxiety of the future, distrust those things hinder your grownt hand a new life, I was just reading this in my meditation today and i've had reasons to be angry and fearful and to distrust today but i'm able to let them go or at least try and with that6 i find peace and joy .
When we get here we have to have no reservations that we can safely handle and control our using if your not there then your just not there but we do support and hold you in prayer and in hope, we've allllll been there baby !!!
Hi-glad to C U here. You say "i don't want to give myself up to my higher power."
Since there is absolutely nothing in any of the Steps that ask you to do that, I wonder if you have really paid attention to what each one actually says.
Its very important to know what the step says (and does NOT say), before trying to change them to suit our own misperceptions, usually to our peril.
Im with AVID.....try just being present for a while, taking it all in. Or as the old timer AAs often say to folks who are stuck, take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. Shut up and show up. Just listen (read), really listen, for a while.
And consider going to live Step Study and Basic Text meetings. If you really must say something, limit your speech to just asking for a discussion on the 3rd Step...or the 1st, or the 2nd. And then just listen. Read the literature on 1-2-3. Take the steps in order. We cant be on the 3rd step if we never got off the 2nd step, because we did not understand it, or because we were still rejecting the notion that we are Not-God. Or if we still think we are powerful enough to beat addiction by virtue of our will.
I know I am powerless over the beast of addiction and everything it drags into my life. I admit it. Very important question---are you stuck on the 1st step or is that one settled?
I am not able to rely upon my own power to restore myself to sanity...my life was so unmanageable that I sure as heck was not sane. Ive been off drugs for a lot of years, but that does not change the insanity and unmanageability that can creep back in. Addiction NEVER goes away. It might, if we are so blessed, be put into remission...but it is not GONE. If I ever forget or deny that I am powerless over the addiction mechanism that resides in my brain and lives in my body I will use, and I will die. No doubt about thatit is a fact. And the pity of it is, if I ever get back into that state of mind and pick up, I wont give a flying f***k and my little snail-trail on this planet will just be a brief memory and source of pain for those I leave behind to pick up the mess.
For me, when I need a SLAP (Simply Listen And Pray), the slap is for another addict to tell me to just shut up and show up. Maybe thats worth trying?
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
