Question For Users About The Program

dwdwone · Newbie

Question For Users About The Program

avid · Guru

Narcotics Anonymous is a program of recovery by addicts for addicts.
As an organisation it has no opinion on outside issues including what a parent or loved one should do or not do to help their addict loved one.
There is an organisation call Nar-Anon that is a program for those non addicts who are affected by the addiction of a loved one
Here is a link to their website.
I wish you and your daughter a life of health and peace.

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

-- Edited by avid on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 07:21:16 PM

MIKEF · Guru

Hey dwdwone! welcome to the site..Unfortunately until someone is ready to surrender and admit they are powerless over their addiction there is not much anyone can do except learn to take care of themselves.Enabling an addict can keep them from "reaching a bottom" sooner they they may having to fend for themselves but all bottoms are different just as some are sicker than others. You are in a similar situation that we were as you are still responsible for your child unless they get emancipated.we could not get help because my son fell in between the cracks.also at 18/.What I could suggest is you find a program for parents of addicts(you can look them up on web as I do not want to violate our 6th tradition here by using an implied endorsement of another program) group for yourself to to learn the tools of 'DETACHING WITH LOVE"a difficult but necessary measure in order to learn about the disease and the things you can do to maintain your serenity and let your addict be responsible for their behavior.I am an addict in recovery with a 23 yr old son who up until last 4 months was a hardcore,IV heroin abuser.He is now working recovery but its his process.I also attend another fellowship for years explicit to learning tools of codependance and other situations of maintaining my own recovery and not enabling my son...We had to put our son on the street in his worst condition knowing that he would die,get arrested or begin recovery.We were blessed that the second and third scenario ruled the day although he was overdosed 3x basically dead of shock.I am not saying this too frighten you but to help you get help for yourself.Let us know how its going okay..........Blog the web for programs for parents of addicts!!Hope this helps others will respond and maybe offer more help.good luck

MIKEF · Guru

Thanks Avid i havent learned how to put url's on the web yet..time to learn huh!!

dwdwone · Newbie

Thanks for your replies and kind wishes. I am trying to get my head around this thing as it is rather alien to me. I understand the concept of letting someone sink to bottom. but I also know there are those who, when allowed to hit bottom, never come back. It's very confusing, and when my ex said that if I allowed my daughter shelter or money or food or anything of the sort, I would be enabling her, well, that seems just the opposite of what one should do. Then when she told me that if I did not turn her away, I would be going "against" the program of NA, so I thought I'd check it out for myself.

Peace,
Dan

rocky · Senior Member

the idea of tough love is a tough one to swallow but sometimes hitting the bottom is what it takes to get it in our little addicted minds that we not everyone else has the problem cutting her off from your money and services is one way to go but in most cases we will find a way to stay high and our loved ones don't generally like it at all we as addicts can get pretty bad stealing lying and other much worse stuff she is going to have to walk that part of it in her way but we are here and in the rooms when she needs to find her way what avid says is true get to some alanon meetings they will help you with some tools to help you deal with this in the mean time i will pray for her and you god bless

ANJ · Veteran Member

Thank you avid for remembering our traditions.
What I will say is not the program of NA, it is my own experience as an addict in active addiction. To this day I will take advantage of any situation where I am being enabled for what ever reason. The problem here is that when others help me to remain sick, in the name of protecting me, my misery is prolonged. This in itself can become more dangerous than letting go. Ive been around for a long time and have heard many an addict say, "They almost loved me to death".
Once again, this is my own personal experience, this is not the program of narcotics anonymous.

avid · Guru

This is an important yet troubling thread.
The gentleman is obviously a loving parent and a responsible person.
Like many people he is struggling with this disease.
He wants to do what is best for his daughter yet the disease, so cunning and baffling leaves him wondering "what is the right thing"?
All this talk of hitting bottom is disturbing to me.
This girl is 17 years old.
Yes, it does sound like she is not willing to join in recovery at this time, but let's be honest here......How many 17 year olds are?
We should never forget that the bottom for many many addicts, is jails, institutions, and death.
Sir, I urge you to seek out your local Nar-Anon. If there is none in your area, then try
Al-anon. These are the people who have gone through the same pain you are going through. If there is anyone who can truly relate to your situation and share their experience, strength, and hope with you, it will be someone at one of these meetings.
You and she are both in my prayers.

MIKEF · Guru

Nar-Anon as far as I am concerned,and I only speak from my personal experience, and am also an active member of this fellowship for years,is as valuable to the friend,relative of an addict that Narcotics Anonymous is to the addict.For me living both sides of the coin gave me a little better insight but still was no easier especially when my son was still legally our personal responsibiilty as far as payment for Intensive care units,ambulance trips and rehab's although nothing more mattered than his life to us and financially getting him some help....Misinformation or even lack of information can be very harmful when you are trying to help save someone's life.It is by no means cut and dry.We all will do things in 'our own way and our own time"There is also a very small thread between enabling and supporting especially when death could possibly be the outcome.Many times we felt like we "did not do the right thing" with our son.(putting him on the street,was hardest thing we ever did)But 5 years later ,he is still alive,functioning in recovery and working his process even at 23 years old..We pray for guidance in every step of our journey from our HP.This thread also renews in me many emotions and shades of a life we still live today.Remember this is also my stuff and not the message of Narcotics Anonymous but from an addict in recovery who is a parent to an addict in recovery only by the Grace of God!!!

wolfhowl · Newbie

The first thing that you should do is pray and turn your daughter overto the care of God.He knows where she is at and He will be with her.I have a daughter of my own and I cannot imagine how hard it is for you.But I do remember what it was like for me when I was in ative addiction.People tried to help me and I acted like I appreciated them but I used them up.And when the help was no longer there I did what ever I had to do to get my drug.Each of us has a bottom,but that bottom has a trap door.Just be there for her when she hits that bottom.Alanon is a good program from what I hear,I would suggest going to one.They could give you some good advice.I will keep you in my prayers.I am glad I found this site.

dwdwone · Newbie

My dilemma is that I am being told to deny her a roof over her head or other sustence (i.e. food and emotional support) in order to get her to hit bottom, whether it be by accelerating the process or by refusing to slow it down, which I suppose would be enablement. I don't know which, and don't know if I could know without a crystal ball. I have no problem giving her over to God. I do have a problem giving her up to the street. How can I "be there when she hits bottom" if I turn her away?

AnthonyG · Senior Member

While its true that Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues its also true that this site is NOT narcotics anonymous. Its simply another way for addicts to get connected.

An easier way for you to get your head around this is to think of it this way. While you love your daughter this way of life for her has to stop. You are powerless to make that happen. Only she can make that decision . So where does that leave the loving parent ?

YOU will support her in any way that you can if HER decision is to seek recovery. As long as shes clean , you got her back. This can be checked with pee tests available at most drug stores.

On the other hand YOU will no longer support her killing herself in any way. Would you let an enemy lie , cheat and steal from you ? Would you let your neighbor ? Would you let a friend ? Im guessing your answer is no. So look at that , you are willing to let your daughter do what you wouldnt let an enemy , neighbor or friend do.

Its time for you to accept responsibility of being addicted to an addict. Get to a co-dependants anonymous meeting or Naranon or even Alanon.. If you cant help yourself , you stand no chance with her.

Best of luck.

dwdwone · Newbie

Thanks for your frankness Anthony. It's very refreshing!

I will take your advise and go to a few meetings. I can't sit by and watch her destroy herslf, but I also know that I need to be as healthy as possible to be able to help those around me. I suppose its the old pearls before swine concept.

LeeU · Guru

There is very little that is as painful as the reality that your child might die, and thinking that somehow if you "do something", or don't "do something", it'll be your fault. There is very little that is worse than living with that fear and sorrow.

I had a similar situation with my daughter and eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not "save" her. It hurt like hell, and just went on, and on, and on with each new circling of the drain. I had to eventually accept that she might come to a bad end, no matter how much I loved her or how much I wanted a different life for her. Addiction is a disease that you did not cause, that you cannot cure, and that you cannot control.

I have to say, for myself, NOTHING could make me turn my back on my daughter if I could keep her alive a little longer. BUT..........that DOES NOT mean enabling her to use and manipulate me....a very, very tricky balancing act for any parent.

That is the "work" that we must do...to learn how to provide reasonable protection without enabling and getting "ripped off" in the process. It's very difficult, but you can learn to do it, especially with the support of Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, and/or other family chemical dependency support groups/education.

You might also call Nexus...they can't confirm or deny that you daughter was even there, unless she signed a "Release" for them to talk to you. But in any case, they CAN...and should...respond to you with general information about how you might best handle the situation as you describe it to them, and refer you to resources in your area. Ask to speak directly with a counselor or administrator.

Since your daughter is a minor, there are also legal responsibilities on your part...which include the provision of food and shelter, bad behavior or not. Again, you can learn how to not "enable" her while she lives with you. Once she is no longer a minor your options are different, though not any easier.

avid · Guru

Sorry but I'm kinda stuck on "pearls before swine"

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