A number of years ago when I had what I call my "crash and burn"

I lost everything.  A career, a marriage, I was bankrupt and went to jail.

I was so filled with guilt...the feeling that what happened to me was all my fault, and shame the feeling that I was a horrible piece of shit who should hide from the world, that I withdrew from everybody.  I got a job as a night shift taxi driver and shut myself indoors during the day.  I lost the respect and love of my wife and children and lost any feeling of respect I had left for myself.

I was filled with self hate, I wanted to die, and practiced how I was going to kill myself.  I'm not sure why I didn't kill myself but the thought of how this would affect my kids was part of it.  They surely suffered enough because of me.

That was back in the mid nineties.  And believe me...It got better...alot better.

Time alone has a way of healing...but I found that the biggest thing that has helped me overcome the guilt and shame of my past is to do the right thing all day everyday.

By being a good person every day...I began to put that horrible person I hated so much behind me.  When I found Narcotics Anonymous I was already on my way.  NA showed me that I didn't need ANY drugs, or alcohol and I learned that I could have a higher power of my choosing.  A compassionate God who wasn't going to punish me.

I wish I could say that it happened quickly for me Manon.   Truly it did not.  It took years.  But we recover one day at a time.  And I can't emphasize strongly enough how by making the right choice, the moral choice every day, I began to learn to like myself.

My wife divorced me but we are on good terms.  I got back the love and respect of my children, I found a new woman who loves me and is my wife.  I got back stuff like a car and a home.  But more importantly I got (can't say I got back because I never had it in the first place) but I got a measure a peace inside of myself...no more twisted up knots in my gut....no more restless sleeps and night sweats, no more leg bouncing a mile a minute because I'm all wound up.

These things are gone.

Even at sixty years old I am still growing.  I'm learning to like myself even more.  I have come to believe in a caring, loving power greater than myself who is restoring me daily.

I don't think about myself all day long with regret and fear.

It gets better Manon, it really does.

I wish you happiness, peace of mind, and freedom from fear.