Goodmorning Avid! I think I mentioned before that each day I open my eyes I give all honor and glory to my God,I thank "Him" for another day of life clean and ask for forgiveness and the ability to forgive.I firmly recite ouR 3rd and 11th steps and ingrain them in my heart for the day and without going into any denomination thing or violating any traditions of our program I pray as this.Lord I have been living my life my own way ,I want to live it your way,I need you and am now willing to let you into my life.I believe(my faith beliefs here)I surrender to you as Lord.Come Lord occupy the throne of my life help make me the type of person you want me to be!!It is a profession of faith and belief <for me<that helps me set the tone for my day>Then I GET OUT OF BED AND THE WORK BEGINS!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Even now I get mad at times. I used to feel guilty, terrible etc, but Im gradually getting to iunderstand that deeper forces are at work and asking myself "Is there any goodwill in that action ?"
In trying to be helpful, social etc. I do feel constrained at times and therefore frustrated.
One of the things Im going thru is this anger for my mother. So Im asking myself why am I angry with her and alos why is she doing what she is ?
Is it old age or is that exactly the way she has been always, an angry, isolated, egoistic and controlling person ?
I know I have no right to condemn another but this is the heavyness I feel after she having been in my life for 48 bloody years !.
I feel frustrated with her constant prescence,,,, I belive she has influenced too many things in my life like thoughts, choices and behaviour.
I need all that to go in order to be my real self. This may nesseciate her being counselled as I have worked Steps.
The other alternative is to allow her freedom to join an old age home, either a day care one or one that does full time.
Il need to look after my daughter by setting her up in a great boarding school. This is one fear Ive always had regarding my family; that if I ask ma to go then what will i do by way of caring for my daughter who Im bringing up as a snigle parent ?
There was an angry outburst with my mother this day too and Im tired of all this, this constant feeling of being observed, manipulated etc.
This is a cultural thing and was practical till this moment but now I know Im going to have to surrender the whole situation !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
