Honesty is not pointless its of the utmost importance you have what it takes to get and stay clean just have to be willing and humble and brought to the point of complete powerlessness, thats not a big recipe short n sweet.

At what point do you think you could have called someone and said ' im in troubel and need help "? OR JUST GOT TO A MEETING BEFORE YOU USED ? Did you get on your knees and talk with your higher power before using ? sit down and right about what was going on then let it go and get past whatever pain you were feeling .

There are things we can do that work just have to be willing to stop and do them and not react to an urge, get to it before it becomes an obsession ( MIND ) or compulsion ( BODY ).

This just says you eed to set off on a more rigorous  program, take ALL THE SUGGESTIONS, meetings DAILY FOR 90 days to start with, sponsor, start working the steps and get into service at any level, help setting up and tearing down meetings, talk with others sharing your experience it helps others when you discuss relapse and finding the SOLUTION.

HAng in there and keep coming back, this works if you work with it.

After a member has had some involvement in the fellowship"a relapse may be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program"Our 7th step also tells us 'one danger is being too hard on ourselves"You are being honest with your feelings and sharing them.Clean time does not equal recovery!!!
A very pertinent message from our literature tells us 'If we have relapsed,it is important to keep in mind that we must get back to meetings as soon as possible.Otherwise,we may only have months,days or hours before we reach a threshold where we are gone beyond recall.So good to see you here and sharing your feelings and knowing what you have to do.Keep coming back....

     

You wrote "There's no good reason or any reason at all that I did what I did. " 

Well, actually there is.

And they are both the same reason.

It's called addiction.

Addictive disease is a brain disorder that has no cure, but which may be treated, may be put into remission, and may lived with when it is in remission. Out of remission, it continues in a deadly progression, much like a malignant tumor, invading every aspect of our personhood, and picking up speed toward bad consequences, collateral damage, and a horrible demise.

As a chronic, recurring disease, it has repetitive phases, and none of them come or go overnight. They are processes...an active disease process, a withdrawal process, an abstinence process, an early restorative process,  post-acute withdrawal process, a recovery process (which may take a lot longer than you think, being physical, mental, psychological, ispiritual, functional, social, financial, etc etc.) and a relapse process.

Relapse is a process...a progression of emergent symptoms... not an event.

You can't relapse if you are not in recovery. You are not "in recovery" or "recovered" solely by virtue of not using, of having however many days "clean". Some people are fortunate to enjoy long periods of remission, and "quality" recovery and some are not. We do what we can to increase our odds.

No period of recovery is lost or wasted just because some one picks up again. It's not about key tags...it's about doing everything that we can humanly do to prevent the relapse process from beginning, or at least from going too far down the slope.

We do this by working each step to the best of our ability. We take a good, hard whack at that second and third step and ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. We continue on through working the steps, as they are provided to us. If we fall, we do everything possible to get back up again. No shame, no blame. It's a no-fault disease. If we believe that it's totally our own fault that we used, we have not even taken the first step.