a few years ago, i was chatting with a counselor and she mentioned that 'steve, you don't like limits, do you?' hahahaha i wanted to scream at her! really? no kidding? that came up on maybe my first inventory a number of years ago. no matter how much we may try - many people just are not able to comprehend what addiction is like for us.
my cycle thru recovery has been to change behaviors in order of the level of pain/unmanageability those things cause. for the past couple of years, i have slowly dug myself into a nice little hole, financially and recently this has taken on a whole new level, and some pretty drastic action will need to be taken to remove this from the 'pain radar' and it won't be a quick fix, that's for sure.
ignoring the problem, running from it, minimizing it, and projecting all are forms of denial. i see my part in these plain as day, and for some time accepted some low-level unmanageability to get what i want, when i want, and how i want. i'm tired of it. maybe, just maybe tired enough? we shall see quite soon. i would much rather deal with this on my terms, and not be forced, but that option will not be available much longer. i'm pissed, and mostly quite scared. like most of my fears, it's all about thinking that i'm not going to be 'okay' - that my needs won't be met. despite countless examples pointing to the fact that my needs have always been met - my mind always places me homeless, living under a bridge.. in the rain.
i want the pain to stop. i'm scared shitless, but will make that leap of faith.
Hey Steve! thanks for sharing from you heart man.We certainly can get ourselves in "situations"I have to continually remind myself that my HP will give me what I need and not necessarily what I want.I cause a lot of my own pain by beating myself up over different things,like 'ohh made another bad decision,how did my charge cards get like that again,practising principles before personalities but still at times can let things go,and sometimes just get "flat out tired of it all!!I do know ,for myself, if I diligently focus,do the work I need to do,I rebound and can can honestly find joy in my life.That in itself is good for me cause I spent lot of miserable "time. Anyway Im rambling but I believe if we can continue to 'get it out"hear it,see it ,maybe even be told it,we can honestly believe that it can come down to not "who I am but whose I am"Talk to you on the rebound peace.....
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
hee hee hee... tisa - no, it's a gray, dank, drizzly kinda rain. kind of like a seattle rain. the world looks all monochrome, as we used to picture russia when we were kids. hahahaha
what always amazes me is how detailed my thinking can be when it comes to catastrophizing - but ask me to describe a life where serenity prevails? ha!
