My husband is now in jail. He has been in jail about a month and a half. Last week he called me and apologized for hurting me and putting me thought the hell of his crack addiction. I believe he is sincere but when I asked him about being unfaithful he denied it. He claims that he was true to his marriage vows. Before he was arrested he was living with his dealer at a crack house.
I kick him out of our home in April because he refused to get help for his addiction. Now that he is in jail he is sounding truly humble. He has asked me to give him a chance so that he can show me that he loves and cares for me.
I am having trouble accepting his apology and even more trouble believing anything he tells me.
My question to this group is, am I wrong to feel skeptical and leery about him?
My husband has lied to me so much over the past 3 years I can not believe a word he says. He is behind bars and he maybe sincere, but it sounds like jail house promises to me.
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Monday 7th of December 2009 12:13:08 PM
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Monday 7th of December 2009 12:15:14 PM
Hi Delta,good to hear back from you.Yes when you have been lied to and deceived so much it is hard to ever believe anything again.Its like we told our 23yr old son ,a heroin addict,that trust has to "be earned"/Its not automatic.Again heres where boundaries can help.If he wants you back,set stipulations that he has to abide by.Working a recovery program,staying clean(you may even want him to drug test periodically etc.)you may not want to live together for the start?Your feelings are natural ,you have been victim of a using addict.Ensure you get help for yourself also,Naranon is a great program for people who have addicts for parents,friends,husbands etc.Bottom line is also "do you really want this again or not?"Sometimes the pain can be overcome,sometimes not,only you can make that determination.If you feel he is not being honest about his relationships while using seems like kind of a shaky start.Total surrender,honesty ,willingness etc, I would think would have to be the starting point and from there only you know if its working.We are doing same thing in our family with our son so my thoughts are coming from that experience.Let us know how you are doing...keep coming back.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
it's easy to get humble when locked up. i've been there - many times.
mike shares some great stuff. i also would suggest naranon or alanon - depending on whether naranon is active in your area. even some open NA meetings with good recovery can be a source of insight.
trust is a very fragile thing even in the best of circumstances, let alone in the relationship of an addict. the proof will be in the pudding, and the test of time. it's okay to still love someone, and yet detach. it's okay to be supportive, from afar. it's okay (and a healthy thing in a case like this) to view with skepticism much of anything that is in the form of words and not viewed in actions ... again, over time.
it's important to take care of yourself and your needs right now. you can't fix manage or control another person - especially a addict! hopefully, some 'quiet time' as dictated by the judge is just what is needed for your husband to get a good view of this 'bottom'.
All good suggestions! There is also Family Anonymous, Accent On Christ, CODA, and many, many more.
Sounds to me like your instincts are quite sound. Even when we begin working a program to the best of our ability, it takes most of us a long time before we learn to practise spiritual principals... like honesty. You can take the junky out of the street, but it takes a bit longer to take the street out of the junky.
My suggestion is a treatment center, then half-way house. Once he has a year or so proven clean-time, then you both might start working on the marriage. Set boundaries AND STICK TO THEM.
Whether you take him back or not, I strongly urge you to get a program of recovery for yourself. Addiction is a family disease. As family members of addicts, we develope some very unhealthy behaviors in self-preservation, which will not serve us in recovery. I found that I was very subtly enabling certain loved ones, undermining their attempts to recover!
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
Thanks, everyone for being my mental sounding block. I have been attending Al-Anon, AA and NA since April of this year. I am also working the 12 steps with my sponsor. I just needed to know if I was being too skeptical, critical and suspicious of my husband. The truth is in the actions and deeds. If I give anything a wedge of time, all things will be revealed. Thanks for listening.
