Yesterday while reading the Big Book I came across the words obsession and complusive. I looked their definitions and came to realize what one of my obsessions was. More like a smack in the face saying, "where have you been?"! I realized using wasn't my only obsession, but my fiance was.
I love my fiance & have the strongest deepest feelings for him, but I have been obsessed with him. What he was doing, where he was going, who he was with, who he was talking to, and why I wasn't invovled. When I realized this I said it out loud, and immediately felt a difference. So, now I have to teach myself it's okay to let him do his thing and me do mine. We don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7.
And then today when I was reading "Just for Today" it said "...i will practice being completely honest with another person." I have been a complusive liar most of my life, that I can admitt because I know it's true. It's hard for most of my family to believe anything I say, because they don't know if it's the truth. All I know to do is show them. But when I sat and thought about why I lied, I came to realize that my lying stems from a fear of dissappointment. I'm also afraid someone will love me less or want me less because of the real me. Normally, I would think, "that's their problem if they don't like it", but I can't go around thinking that way. I just need help in learning to deal with the dissappointment in a positive manner when I do tell the truth. Anyone have any thoughts?
So, today my goal is to be completely honest no matter the outcome.
One of my obsessions is to yell and throw a tantrum when things frustrate me or I dont get my way. Another is to over eat, another is sex and another is gold prospecting. Another is to collect antique ink wells, fans, radios LOL
But once in recovery and we see these things usually when they start glaring ugly at us we can put a cap on them. Somethings like shortcomings/charecter defects may be more difficult to control and we have to turn these things over to lighten our load, just like I did when I felt like using I turned it over and did something different instead.
when we see these things in our life, we are at the fork in the road and have a choice. sometimes i let fear dominate my behavior, sometimes i have full faith that i'll be okay. one path leads to more unmanageability and insanity, the other to serenity - yet the path to serenity requires action.
recovery is a neat journey, with gifts that are far beyond just shedding the chains of active addiction!
Thanks for sharing that,each day I have to start my day immediately as I open my eyes thnking my HP for this day,asking for forgiveness and asking to be able to forgive and and be as "real" and honest as I can be with myself and others.I then get out of bed and have to "go to work"practising the spiritual principles that I know will bring me the serenity I ask for.We work toward gradual improvement and not immediate faultlessness.Lack of trust ,fear,jealousy all lurk in the shadows and when we can identify them we can approach them and move forward.Easy? no,doable? absolutely!,one day at a time!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
