I was just confronted by my husband and let me tell you I was not wanting to face reality!! I guess I should tell you about the event that got me into this obsession ...
I have rights to my girls this weekend and we received this letter, registered mail, stating all kinds of accusations about me as a mother that are totally untrue and unfounded. To try to make it short I am back on drugs and he demands a hair follicle test!( there wasnt even any mention of my drug using in our final decree and custody papers) , I have an unfit environment stating there are all kinds of boys here(my sons friends who have known these girls since the day they were born and are like their brothers!) and that I posted things on myspace for all the world to see! ok. I did post a couple pics of them in their bathing suits but what kind of sick mind would make that perverted! I have 600 pictures on there. If you look at them in order you can see that hes being irrational! Ok. so we have this letter and its not legal or anything , just his opinion. So we go to pick up the girls anyway and were outsmarted. They took them straight from school. SO here we are at the house waiting, in texas after driving 3 and ahalf hours to get them! We file a police report and call a lawyer the following day. 2500, for a retainer. SO I find out I can file my own " motion for enforcement" and have spent 3 days trying to find the right printable forms to use to do so,and still dont think i have the right ones! MAybe I should of just called the courthouse back! MAybe they have the right forms to give me??? Anyway, so the biggest issue after that mess is that he wont let me talk to them!! MY daughter (supposably i think it was one of them) wrote me in an email "why are you pressing charges?etc...I was shocked! I did have the m last year this is true. BUT he worked last year so he just gave them to me!This is my year legally (my sons leaving for iraq remember and I wanted them to spend time w him) I was going to share them this year, and was still up for that and he flat out refused !!!!!( HE IS HERE in Louisiana at his moms for the whole week and I am still not able to take them for a day or 2 cuz HE says so.) Cops say they cant physically make him.....so what good is an order!! Im so so upset and feel like Im just crippled. Now I have been just stuck in my own tracks for a week. Now I have been doing silly games that are addicting online to keep my mind occupied and I just got in trouble for that because I am not doing anything else. I didnt even take a shower for a week. Im lost Now I have to get up and take one cuz its thanksgiving ....and my husband layed into me this morning cuz I have nt even been taking care of the house .Not even to put up food after supper etc..simple things. Going to a meeting sounds really ard right now. going anywhere sounds really hard right now..........Im just feeling beaten. and everything he said is false!!!! I have not used. I want to. a sedative sounds really tempting right now. I also have an issue of my daughter accusing my ex of unproper sexually behavior, not rape, but very very un- proper! DO Iwait until court to deal w that? DO I call child services and tell them what I know and let them deal w it? WHAT DO I DO. I NEED a lawyer but dont have 2500 dollars. OMG IM so so lost.......
first you say this "To try to make it short I am back on drugs" then you say this "I have not used. I want to."
I think it's pretty clear that the "unmanageability" of your life is pretty self evident right now. I suggest you work the first 3 steps. "OMG i'm so lost......" Yep....that's where we find ourselves then we surrender, and it gets better.
Hey cAROL,YES UNTIL i REREAD IT COUPLE TIMES IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE SAYING 'YOU WERE BACK ON DRUGS' and then at bottom you said you havent usedThats what he is saying correct? Wants hair folicle etc..Anyway yes I can feel the "frenzied state " your in and MY suggestions would also be to constantly go to your 3rd step and then step back a little.Remember this hasnt been like this for awhile and then all of a sudden its "everythig'Try and focus on your partner also as he may be feeling lost ,angry and afraid of what this situation is doing to you and him..Sounds like depression setting in by not wanting to get out of bed,do stuff etc.Force yourself to get out of your head find things to do ,etc.The resentments,anger ,and other negative emotions will "eat you alive".You got your son,your daughter,your husband,the courts,the cops, man even my head is spinning.Make peace at home your stabile base,take it "one thing at a time" ask your HP for guidance,but then you got to move back and let it happen...Carol,just dont use.Keep letting us know whats going on so you can get it out if your not making meetings or talking with a sponsor.Yes sometimes as hard as it is for us we need to.turn it over,step back,let things happen and it will get better...I do wish you peace.Mike
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
And hey Mike thanks, I had tears in my eyes by the time i had finished the paragraph because I guess I had not realized just how bad I had got in just this last couple of weeks and just how MUCh emotional pain I was in.I of course felt the external pain....its evident in just what exactly Im going through. But the internal is a whole other ball game. One I dont like to play.
this is he first time in more than 2 years (2 years 7 months!) that I really and truly felt like I really could take something other than what is prescribed to me! If it were in front of me I could not say that I wouldnt have. I didnt go looking for it or pick up a phone...those are a couple good things I guess. Just the thought that I had bypassed all I have learned and got to that way of thinking makes me disgusted with myself . I am letting all these external things rule me, and I know just as well as anybody that that will keep me sick. I still have a sponsor that Im free to call any time. (she has been sick and had a few operations, so we agreed-(we are very very close friends)- that its best for my recovery to find another...which i have been very relunctant to do. Dont ask me why I couldnt tell you? Trust issues? I dont know....Why didnt I call her the minute I felt that way inside? Why did I just internalize everything and literally sit in my pj's at this puter for the last almost 2 weeks now??
Thanks for reminding me that I know what to do Mike. I KNOW I have to get off the pity pot. Its just hard to do when I feel THIS beaten.
My girls need me to be strong. I need you guys for the right now. Til I can get to where I need to go.
