There is this girl or should I say lady at the meetings I go to, I find her very attractive and so do a lot of other guys, they trip over one another after the meetings just to chat with her I understand that I have no business messing with her, I do not have suffic ient clean time and have very little control over my emotions, at times when I'm speaking to other members with more time than me, she comes around and hugs all of them except me, even though she knows me is like I'm not even there or worthy of a hug, this bothers and enrages me, this evening I almost went off on her, I wanted to tell her off just because of the way she made me feel. I know most of you will give me the old, you have to let go and let GOD crap, but like I said I'm not that well yet, it's like I'm copping a resentment against this woman, for the simple reason, that she does not like me, I know is absurd, but is the way i feel, what can I do to prevent an incident wich will most likely alienate me with most of her friends, I feel like a time bomb ready to go off and i know she'll do it again,without realising she's affecting me the way I describe, I like this person and I'm attracted to her, but detest her flirty ways, it's driving me nuts, has anybody ever experienced any thing similar???
-- Edited by salvagable on Tuesday 24th of November 2009 11:52:18 PM
Ok,,,so not let go and let God crap. even though that would be pretty good advice if you could do it. I suggest you read the IP called "The triangle of self obsession" Self obsession is the core of our disease. Resentment, anger, and fear are what we feel. Having her "flirity ways" drive you nuts is all about control. You can't control what she does. You can only control what you do. If I were you I would find meetings to attend that she doesn't I'd talk to my sponsor,(If you don't have one get one) and yes, I would pray. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" You can't change her, and you sure could use some serenity. Again...get the "triangle of self obsession" IP. My sponsor had me read that everyday for a month. Seriously. It did me a world of good. It does get better.
i find it easy to look at everyone else, instead of my own behaviors. it's so much easier to justify my behaviors if i can project blame upon YOU. so long as i'm focusing on others, i don't have to look at my own crap - and that's very fertile ground for this disease to grow even stronger.
anger/resentment is dangerous stuff, that's for sure. aside from self pity, these two self-obsessed thoughts are quickest to give me a big case of the 'fu*kits' and use. one thing for sure, i sure know how to make these feelings go away, but i'm grateful that today, i have learned that just because i think or feel something, doesn't mean i have to DO something all of the time.
when i feel like a time bomb, it's a good thing to find an outlet for that energy. anything from screaming into my pillow, to going for a walk/run/bike ride. when i'm feeling more sane, i then take some time to focus on all of the GOOD that is in front of me.
hang in there! i know how you're feeling, and it will pass. i have to always remember that thoughts and emotions are not commandments.
Im walking a lot these days, especially the past year. Wonderful anger-management.
The deeper emotional stuff i came into recovery with will surface as the years go by. Sharing of insights by members has given me a real foundation, based on 12 Steps NA.
What was once a very limited lifestyle in early recovery has now been enlarged infinitely. The operational framework that me and my sponsor constructed, based on mutual agreement on my defects and assets, expands as I grow.
I always been a chicks man myself. I can still obssess. So when I am rejected, I counter that with acceptance and say to myself "Yes, she did not hug me". And then I ry and let it go at that, rathe than makin an issue, remembering that Im powerless over my own desires not being fulfilled by another person, no matter how good my intentions !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
yeah i experienced that , she knew i had a major crush then we got together then she left me then i relapsed all in that order, me with 9 months clean her with 10 YEARS clean.
So the moral of the story , you figure it out LOL.
This is why I prefer going ot men's stag groups no chicks to distract me I'm a horny guy who gets easily distracted with even the most dog faced chick and if i get attracted to one physically the meetings over, im lusting had it happen a few days ago this hot blonde comes walking in, she's got sex written all over her I look close at her face and see serious mileage but she's still got this energy coming off of her. I tell myself not to look again but she catchs me and OH YEAH smiles, heart races I see myself throwing her to the mattress " STOP STOP i say to myself this is insane you have a girlfriend you love " but the lust is to much LOL so i hope i never see her again she messed me all up without even friggin meeting her.
So time to take inventory and find out what feelings are kicking up and find a way to deal with them spiritually, sponsors help in this area you have one right Sal? if not get one. and this stuff aint crap its going to save your life and help you to stay clean and if thats all crap then your not done yet.
Hey Salvagable! Have you tried pulling her aside and talking to her about your feelings?without communication verbally ,sometimes our heads get full of stuff that maybe aint there?.I might say"hey you think I could get a hug,break the ice and see where that goes??She may say sure,she may not but at least its out and you can move on from there>>I dont know??She may not be that 'WELL" either but you know the literatue"one addict helping another is without parallel. good luck man,stay in recovery mode and yeah I too would let God in,but thats my stuff...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Vin. said "serious mileage",,,, Im cracking up on that buddy,,,, hahaha.
The joy of the 12 Steps gets me to forget that Im nearly 49 years now, and not the 21 year old i still think I am at time. Many times have i tried to get women to validate my feelings and identity,,, never works. I come across as a wimp when i get into that attitude, and that turns the women off like nothing else. No amount of gifts, sweet talk, persuasion can win back the attraction.
he, he, just a thought " attraction rather than promotion".
Thats the behaviour that has been the mother lode of Serenity for me,,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you fellas, I do try to go to different meetings and even when shes near by I look away, I'm sure she senses there is something wrong with me, which is acurate, I appologise for having said that , the truth of the matter is that is ecxatly what it should come down to , letting go and letting GOD, I am a little worried I been invited to a Thanks Giving get together and she might be there, but I'll be sure to say a strong heart felt prayer before going, I just have to do my best to keep my emotions in check, as I don't want to make an AH of myself in front of every body I'm sure they'll take her side instantly without hesitasion just to improve their chances at getting inside her pants, but you know what fuck them, I aint about to help them with that mission, let them work at it, she's resently divorced and is on the prowl I can tell, specially when those G strings show the crack of her ass every time she sits down or stands up, this girl is at her sexual peak every time some one makes a sexie joke she perks all up and does'nt have a problem expressing her sexuality and healthy appetite for sex, dammit.
Sounds like a demon in disguise....RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Seriously, I'd ask myself what do I get out of being such a "victim".......the resentment, the fear, the anger, the mind-reading of what others think (very dangerous to one's sobriety), the self-put downs, the lust-as-obstacle etc. etc.
If I choose to victimize myself I am telling myself that I am really oh-so-powerful, because I can keep myself all messed up & unlike others in recovery (what do they know, anyway?) I don't even have consider the "let go and let God" crap.
After all, wouldn't want any crap-ola to get in the way of making myself miserable enuf so that I might just be heading down a slippery slope.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Buddy you said you dont want to make an AH of yourself,, by God what identification.
All my adult life, ive been a fool for these chicks, not wanting to be close to the ones who wanted to be close to me, but preferring the exitement of the chase and the tackle of going after them that rejected me.
Im learning to let go that behaviour at age 48, and for about a year now, been relatively free.
But then again, because I identify so much with you, if I were you, Il just go up to her and say "Hi, can we hug ?" And if she dont, youve at least precticed Principles before Personalities and if she does give that hug then know what ? Hip,Hip Hooray ! Go for it bro, taking those chances has made my life unmanageable at times but also got me out of comfort regarding these NA members that happen to be clean, sexy and desireable !! Best of NA luck to you, it works everytime,,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Sounds like a demon in disguise....RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Seriously, I'd ask myself what do I get out of being such a "victim".......the resentment, the fear, the anger, the mind-reading of what others think (very dangerous to one's sobriety), the self-put downs, the lust-as-obstacle etc. etc.
If I choose to victimize myself I am telling myself that I am really oh-so-powerful, because I can keep myself all messed up & unlike others in recovery (what do they know, anyway?) I don't even have consider the "let go and let God" crap.
After all, wouldn't want any crap-ola to get in the way of making myself miserable enuf so that I might just be heading down a slippery slope.
Could you simplify your coment a bit, I don't choose to make my self a victim, what do you think I say to my self (oh today i'm gonna let this girl mess up my world??) for some who's an addict, I belive i'm handling the situation as best as I can, I have not said anything to her, or gone out to use because I can't stand the preasure, what goes on inside my head I keep to myself, can I help what goes on inside my head ? can you ? the world around us affects us every day, some of us who have achive some sort of recovery have some control on how we react, all I did was ask for advice , but as usual I get judged before helped, all I wanted was some advice, all I got from your message if I read it correctly was a judge and a jury, but that's just the way it is all you people with a lot of clean time, tend to forget when you were all lost and comfused, I may be a bit comfused but I still have feelings, all I'm trying to do is sort them out, is it a mistake to ask for help in this forum??
Hi Hugo, Amigo,, no, no ,no,, I think you are doing the right thing for the right reason by asking for input here. When we do ask, various different suggestions and ideas will emerge; it is up to the individual to take the one that seems most appropriate and valid.
And hey buddy,, I still stick with my original suggestion, Go up to her, say " Hi, can we hug", and then let life do it's magic in whichever way., And know that Im offering suggestions based entirely on what I have done and what has worked for me,,,
-- Edited by Raman on Saturday 28th of November 2009 09:09:30 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you Raman, but I belive God has sorted it out , I haven't seen her in a while and hopefully this sexual crush will fade away, for one thing I know and understand that a romantic involment at this time in my recovery would be ill advice, I'm doing a lot of praying and sticking to my Na assigments thanks to the other members for their imputs......
Fabulous Hugo,, see ? Gods will for you has been revealed,, yeah !!!
Ive read in significant recovery literature that whenever sex becomes a problem, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. Thanks for sharing that amigo,,,, in fact Im blessed to have doen that too and have abstained from sex naturally for nearly a year now and have not been unmanageable at all.
However, there was an incident few weeks ago when Id hugged all in the room save one, and when I went to hug her, I couldnt.
I agonozed a bit after that and then I sent her a text saying HUGS and she came back with the same.
Then I inventoried on it and searched whether there was anything sexual to it,,, then I concluded there definitely wasnt !!
Yes,, I truly do believe that Service in NA is a Power Greater than myself !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
"...as usual I get judged before helped, all I wanted was some advice, all I got from your message if I read it correctly was a judge and a jury, but that's just the way it is all you people with a lot of clean time, tend to forget when you were all lost and comfused..."
Hi...I certainly didn't mean for you to get your buttons pushed and get offended. I tend to be direct, but there is no intention to be either judge or jury. And if you re-read my post, you'll see that I used "I", not "you". That is MY experience, strength, and hope I am sharing. I must say though, that the "all you people" rant sounds fairly judgemental to me...and wrong, to boot. I sincerely hope you don't conclude that it's a "mistake" to ask for help on this forum. We all help each other.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
and so do a lot of other guys, they trip over one another after the meetings just to chat with her
I understand that I have no business messing with her, I do not have suffic ient clean time and have very little control over my emotions, at times when I'm speaking to other members with more time than me, she comes around and hugs all of them except me, even though she knows me is like I'm not even there or worthy of a hug, this bothers and enrages me, this evening I almost went off on her, I wanted to tell her off just because of the way she made me feel. I know most of you will give me the old, you have to let go and let GOD crap, but like I said I'm not that well yet, it's like I'm copping a resentment against this woman, for the simple reason, that she does not like me, I know is absurd, but is the way i feel, what can I do to prevent an incident wich will most likely alienate me with most of her friends, I feel like a time bomb ready to go off and i know she'll do it again,without realising she's affecting me the way I describe, I like this person and I'm attracted to her, but detest her flirty ways, it's driving me nuts, has anybody ever experienced any thing similar???
