This is a poem I wrote in memory of my daughter, who did not get a second chance. If someone can live because of these words, I would know she didn't die in vain.
My Debbie I have just been born, the light hurts my eyes I'm happy to be here even though my mouth cries
I know they will love me I'll try to be good, I'll soon learn to smile, I'll do all that I should.
Now I've turned older, somethings not quite the same. My father don't love me, and I feel I'm to blame.
Not sure what it is that caused him to feel. I'm not good as the others, is my heart made of steel?
I turn to a drink, and it does kill the pain, Of thinking I'm no good, again and again.
The men that I love all treat me like him. Why do I need them? My futures so dim.
I try hard to please them, but I never am able. The next thing I'll try are drugs on that table.
The pain is now gone, the skies they look blue. Their loves not important now, there's nothing to lose.
Now that pill just won't do it, I need something new I turn to a needle and find that will do.
The hurt now is gone, I reach for the sky But now I cant leave it, "I need it" I cry.
My life now is nothing but pain and addiction. When did this happen? I had no prediction.
The last needle now is shot into my vein. I drop to the floor, now there is no more pain.
I didn't mean to do that, please help me God. This terrible end to the life I had trod.
Please let me live God I know that I can Live without drugs God, I'll live by your plan.
He looked down upon me and said "child can't you see?' When its yourself you can love-only then you'll be free"
Suddenly I awake to see the light streaming in, I run to the mirror and see what I've been.
The nightmare is over and now I can see A second chance to live, now with sobriety!
-- Edited by Melbuy on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 11:27:55 AM
Welcome Melbuy!Thank you for a beautiful poem.I hope you are also talking with someone as I am reading 'MY FATHER DONT LOVE ME AND I FEEL IM TO BLAME' it sounds as if you have some deep things going on inside...I grieve with you for the loss of your daughter and hope you can come back and share with us.I sincerely wish you peace...............
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thanks Raman, and Mikef as I was writing it OF my daughter, although it really is her story, I realized I actually did have those same feelings. My Dad was a busy worrier when we were young, trying to make ends meet on a rocky old prairie farm. He did however seem to have time for my older sister. He and Mom had a lot of pride in her (the over achiever)She was pretty and smart and knew how to get around him. My brother, yes, he got Dads time too, was able to take shooting lessons and hang out with him many times. He was the other " man" of the house, and was treated with respect because of that. Me, well I think I was just a kid in the way most of the time, like having a lost puppy you don't really want but you can't get rid of because of some guilt. I think that probably in those rough, dirt poor times, a third child was about as welcome as losing crops to a tornado. I try to think back to times he said something encouraging or complimentary to me, but the memories aren't there. I see a picture of him looking the other way. He wasn't a bad man, he grew up working from a very young age to look after his young sisters and brothers in other hard times. He didn't beat me or any one else, he just didn't seem to actually notice I was there. That's why my daughter's story and mine seem to be so similar. When she was born my husband, her father said "Is THAT my kid?" And she was the middle daughter of 3, the other 2 could raise hell of any kind and he didn't care, but if Debbie did he raised the roof. She never met up to his expectations ever. When she started going out she kept going for the same kind of person as her Dad, the kind she was never able to measure up to (in their minds) A shrink would say she was trying to re-create her youth in hopes of making them love her. She turned to booze, then drugs and although she cleaned up many times, it took her in the end. She knew what she had to do, she had been in recovery houses and had a lot of wonderful sober years and 2 beautiful children. Such a waste of a caring beautiful woman.
-- Edited by Melbuy on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 11:16:25 AM
-- Edited by Melbuy on Wednesday 11th of November 2009 11:18:01 AM
Hello anyone who may have read the poem to my daughter. I have added another line that It had needed. And that is, that if you cant love yourself (second to your higher power) then you will never measure of to anyone's expectations, because it is your own mind that keeps you in a lower place.
My drug of choice was alcohol. It numbed me through many years of being too sensitive about the world and it's pain. My daughter actually took me to a few meetings when she was in recovery, and one day I just quit, and that was April 8, 1997. It truly was a miracle as I never even craved after that. I had quit so many mornings before that, and by afternoon I was always telling myself I would just drink one more day.I can only think if was from above, because I was never that strong before! I know I can never drink again,( my magic pill is-never take the first one) I would be back in the bottomless bottle if I did. Thanks to your replys and thumbs up for having today!
Thank you, Melbuy. It could have been my own Mother writing those words you wrote. I am so sorry about your daughter. It may be little comfort, but my story is very much the same... and I have broken the cycle of poisonous relationships and ever-deeper depths of addiction and despair. It doesn't bring Debbie back, but perhaps you might be comforted by the miracle in my life.
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
You have just made my day, Tisa2U, I'm so happy you were able to leave the cycle, and patterns of self destruction. I know there are thousands of stories like yours and hers out there. You probably have such a giving heart like her as well, sometimes you may have even gave your soul just to try and get that love you thought you needed from the very men who were incapable of giving it back, other than for themselves. Have a wonderful life and enjoy your freedom and sobriety for those who lost their battle.
Hey Melbuy, i can relate a lot to that. i too was in that cycle of self destruction and the men who destroyed me. i felt the same way you described my last OD when i tried to kill myself with heroin.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Thanks so much LizC Yes, my daughter ended with a heroin overdose, complete after night of crack and we know of possibly about 4 other drugs as well.(pain med for a pulled tooth, and about 3 doctor prescribed meds that her doctors loved to put on her prescriptions without a thought to what might happen. They knew she was an addict) She was to come to my place that day (400 miles away) and I've heard she and her partner planned to have their last big fling the night before the "big quit"
I really love your signature message, it's so true! I really have to remember that one, having been an alcoholic myself, when I turned to alcohol, I really had an inferiority complex, and with booze I lost my inhibitions. With some sort of miracle I got off it. I still feel shy about people, but I would rather live with that, than the hell of addiction!
Love this No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Defeatedgirl. Thanks again LizC and I know you must have such a wonderful new life now you know you don't need to give your power away, to those who try to take it.
I know, life is not always wonderful, we get so many kicks in the face along the way. But we weren't born with these damn poisons, and our inner child wants so badly to be loved by others and mostly by ourselves. Every minute you are free of the addictions to those things (including men who DON"T DESERVE a good person like you!) is one more minute towards a wonderful life! Love the child within, she is waiting for you! Thanks LizC for your replys, I know my daughter would have liked you when she was in recovery if she had met you at a meeting.
She would have been 43. She never woke again after hitting the bathroom floor.She was on life support for 5 days in the hospital before the doctors said it was no use. She had been without oxygen for over 8 minutes they figured, by the time help arrived. She left a son and daughter who needed her. I know you must have people in your life who love you so much, please don't ever let that shit lead you to think like that again. Life will be worth living, just wait, around the corner could be a wonderful man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated, if you haven't found one already. And besides that I'm sure you've found you can get along quite nicely NOT needing one! So many have lost their lives doing really stupid things, that took a second to do, and if they could talk they would say I wish I had your chance again, I would live it differently. Like I said you still have that inner child, the one who didn't need the poison. I think you probably have a handle on the good life so hang in there.
-- Edited by Melbuy on Thursday 12th of November 2009 10:17:28 PM
wow. im only 18. i was in a coma for 6 weeks after my last OD. my sister found me hanging from the ceiling. i did find a man. were not dating or anything but he treats me good and i love him to death. my ex still comes around every once in a while drunk as hell and breaks down my door and beats me. ive learned to just ignore the fact that he still does it. ive been beat my whole life so what would make it any different?
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Oh Liz you poor girl, thats so sad, I'm sorry, you know you never did anything wrong to deserve that at ANY time in your life. You have been a victim of a lot of people who are sick. I don't mean to hurt your family if it was them, but its true. When little kids get beat, its the baggage the parent is carrying around in their heads that makes them strike out at a defenseless victim. Maybe they were beat as kids themselves, or they have a mental disorder and can't control their temper. YOU are not deserving of that EVER. You know that if you've had a child or will ever have one. The tiny little child comes into the world having only their parent or caregiver to rely on and feed and love them. For a grown adult to take out their frustrations on the child they have, who can't defend themselves is just barbaric. Even animals treat their young better. The problem is the human mind, I'll have to guess maybe your father was an alcoholic? Is there no way to get away from your ex? You are still being victimized by a sick mfckr. I know it's hard, my first husband used to get drunk and grab me around the neck and say he was going to kill me. My daughters were all there. When they got older I met a nice guy on the side and knowing my life, he got us to move away with him. My ex was prowling the streets for me it and it was teriffying. Eventually I was able to charge him with threats and although it took me about 10 years I got over the fear of him. That is just making me so sad for you, that you say"I've been beat my whole life so what would make it any different" YOU can make it different, you are this idiots punching bag. He hates himself and uses you to get his feelings out. Are you able to move somewhere where he can't find you? Have you charged him at all, or are you like I was, scared of the consequences? When I finally charged my husband the woman lawyer said there's ONE thing people like him understand and that is FEAR. They have been busy instilling it in their victims to control them and they have found it works. So him going to court in handcuffs with some jail time over his head actually got to him. I know it is scary and I don't want to tell you to do something that isnt safe for you. Have you gone to a woman's shelter for help?If you could get away and clear your head without fear, you would see you have been brainwashed into thinking you are that DEFEATEDGIRL. Do you realize if you kill that girl that hasn't had a descent life, those abusers have won? Because of their f'd up heads they made you feel worthless WHICH YOU AREN"T and you would be saying they were right. Why don't you see today where you can make a plan and get some safe help? Those type of men my daughter went for just kept her down, total control freaks, she was an addict already with clean time here and there, but she was still addicted to that kind of treatment, because thats how her dad treated her.Please do some deep thinking about this, you deserve a good life, and it IS out there.
yes it was my dad. and a few of my boyfriends. my dad was not an alcoholic actually. he just had anger issues. well im currently in school and leaving would mean i would have to transfer somewhere and i dont want to have to deal with all that nonsense. i havent charged him at all. it just complicated as to why i havent. i have not gone to a womens shelter its just i dont feel like leaving. i think the next time he comes over ill do something. we'll see how brave i get.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
UNDEFEATEDGIRL I understand, it would really upset your life in that situation. I just feel so bad for you feeling so unworthy that he can come in there when ever he wants and take his fricken anger out on someone (probably) smaller than him just so he feels better. Does he apologize and cry and say he'll NEVER do that again and say he loves you so much after the beatings? Thats typical of most abusers, they have to keep the women they beat in their web
I know that having courage at a time like that would be hard, and unless you have someone to back you up close by, it could be dangerous to stand up to him in that mood.Guys like that want to keep their women in their control So be VERY careful.
My other daughter kept getting beat up byher boyfriend off and on for about 7 years before she had finally had enough. He broke her nose, one time blackened her eye , and another time tied her up with duct tape in their trailer and then hit her on the back as HE YELLED help,pretending she was hitting HIM so the neighbors wouldnt help.He was one sick so and so Each time she would forgive him and they would have their little honeymoon phase, and then he'd do it again. I begged her, I wrote her letters, I did everything I could think of to make her see, but she was so in denial and brainwashed she wouldnt listen The cops finally got so sick of going to help her they told her if they caught the 2 of them together again they would charge them. I dont know what with but it worked. She is still picking guys with issues but at least the new ones arent beating her.
yes i am WAY smaller than him. only 120 pounds 5'4. and hes 6'2 and weighs a lot more than me. he does apologize and cry and what not. most of my close friends are away at school atleast an hour away and they can't come home in time. hes done some damage. broken many many many ribs, black eyes, broke my jaw, nose, concussion, fingers, dislocated my knee, sprained my back etc. i feel sorry for you knowing that youve tried so many times to let your daughter see but she doesnt get it. has to be tough for a mom.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
But UNDEAFEATEDGIRL-it's happening to YOU! Oh my God look what he has done to you, both physically and mentally. Look even concussion, that could have been just as easily the end of your life, or he could have left you like a vegetable hitting you that hard.You lived through all of this, and look, you are telling me you feel sorry because my daughter don't see. Look girl! Its happening to YOU as well! Sometime when you have some time, check out the sites online about dealing with these abusers.You will see the definete pattern they have, they beat, cry, ask for forgiveness and then slam you again. I am honestly going to say PLEASE DON"T try standing up to him when your alone, he wouldnt be able to take that probably and he would really abuse you more, to bring you back in control. It may take you some time, but the only really safe way to get away from these guys is getting where they cant get to you. Its not fair, its hard, its life changing, its lonely but its just about the only way to get free. The best thing-you have your life back, your body in one piece. You are so young, and you have so much left to live. This is happening to countless women out there, a lot of them with kids, they stay and stay and the beatings get worse, some beat to death, while they wait for him to "change' Meanwhile they have been so mistreated their confidence gone, they actually think he loves them and thats why he beats them.
I keep thinking about all Ive said, I'm sorry if i said too much. Being a worried mother for so long I tend to get carried away trying to help. I only wishing I could help you somehow Thanks for reading
i will check some sites. i will NOT try to stand up to him because i know i will probably get my ass handed to me. i will deff have to wait because i am not ready. yeah i dont have any confidence.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
i'd like to ask you something, if you don't want to talk about it I understand. You said you were in a coma for 6 weeks. I know each case is probably different, but can you remember if you could hear people talking to you, (the whole time or sometimes)or feel nurses lifting you or anything? When my daughter was on life support we all kept talking to her and I held her hand whenever I was in there. She only breathed on her own for 1 day, the rest of the time the machine did it for her. I keep wondering if the doctor was right when he said she was too brain damaged from lack of oxygen, and we should let her go ( he removed the breathing tube)what if she would have woke up some day. That has always haunted me. Could she hear us. Thanks
-- Edited by Melbuy on Saturday 14th of November 2009 10:19:18 AM
i could hear vagually. but the weird thing is i could only hear my sister sarah. i couldnt hear my mom or my dad or my other sisters or any of my friends. my family was about to give up on me but my sister said that i squeezed her hand once. and then the next day i woke up. i dont really remember any of it but thats what ive been told. but i do remember hearing my sister. it wasnt constantly but i remember hearing a few things she said.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Thanks Liz, I hope my daughter heard some of our loving words. One day I was looking into her face, and although she never opened her eyes, I felt she was crying "inside" and begging me to either help her or look after her kids or something. It was a VERY strong feeling, I dont know if it was my imagination wanting her to respond or not. I mean all she did was SEEM to have the sort of begging look on her face without the eyes being opened and I felt a strong connection. Your so lucky that they didn't give up like they did my daughter. I guess maybe you were able to breath on your own and give other indications of brain activety? It was horrible, I didn't want to let her go like that, but the doctor said she might just lay on another floor in the hospital for years like a vegetable. I wouldn't have been able to stand that either.The rest of the family said let her go, and I was just going crazy in my mind thinking what if they're wrong.
I don't know, there you are alive and well! Look at you today, your back, and thank God or higher power, they didnt pull the plug on you. You are so fortunate. You look like a beautiful girl in your picture, and I was so glad you mentioned before that you do have a family around you. Your Mom, sisters, friends and Dad must have been half crazy worrying about you. The shock of your sister finding you like that, then 6 weeks of hell wondering if you would live. They got their wish to come true I soooo hope you have a wonderful life, and that things straighten out once and for all for you. You are so smart to have got yourself into NA, some people stay in denial and lose so many years of their life to sickness of addiction.I was one and the other daughter I told you about that used to get beat up. Shes 40 and thinks she couldnt POSSIBLY be an addict even though shes been using since she was about 12-started out with mushrooms- and booze. My Dad was an alcoholic and in those days NA or AA were unheard of. He just suffered drinking his head off, thinking probably that he was the only one in the world who couldnt stop drinking. He was depressed about it I know, almost burned the house down once passing out with a smoke. OK Liz you have been so terrific sticking with me here, and answering some hard questions. I hope to see you on here sometimes, I will check every once in a while and see if you've left a post. I hope you will go look in your mirror everyday and say I am not defeated-I have people who love me, I am a good human being who deserves to be treated good, I do not deserve abuse. You nearly died once, use your second chance wisely! I think my daughter would if she could come back-YOU ARE HERE!
i havent talked to or seen my family since june when i walked out of the hospital. we really dont have a very good relationship but my sister makes me call her once a week to make sure im still alive. ive been using since i was 10 and have not really been successful with NA until last week. i will answer any question you have.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Oh, thats a whole different story, Im so sorry you have such a bad relationship with your family, I know you had mentioned your Dad not being good to you when you were young, but when you said they (family)were seeing you when you were in a coma, it seemed like you had family support. I was kind of wandering where they are with you being abused all the time by this ex in your life. Do you have friends that keep your spirits lifted and help you try to stay clean? I hope you have people and MOST importantly a sponsor, who can be there and you can call when you feel you could use someone to talk to. If not please look for a supporting sponsor, you know by now you are not alone in this addiction disease, and you know thats what NA is all about. keeping another safe keeps you safe as well. The sobriety you have inspires others to want it too, and vice versa. It does work, and the happiness you get out of being clean and healthy in mind and body is totally opposite the hell of using and the damage it does to your self pride. (As in defeatedgirl)These programs like AA and NA have changed thousands of lives, finding people like themselves who are suffering as well and telling their stories, some worse than your own, without being judged for the way you have lived. Just being supported for wanting to have a new and different life. You hold each other up.
My daughter who passed had a great friend and sponsor, she kept Debbie going to meetings and she was clean as long as she was nearby. Unfortunetely, that sponsor moved to a different town and went to meetings way up there. Deb kind of lost her way after that. She should have found another, but instead she let her guard down, and with men problems she was soon back into it.The trick is to keep going to meetings., not sluff off and let the life "triggers" set you off again. That sponsor was so sad she had passed. She loved Deb to pieces. The sponsor is the same age as Deb I think and she and her friend used to push their baby strollers through snow banks to get to meetings, thats how badly they wanted sobriety years ago. They are both in good jobs now, the babies are grown, Deb's sponsor helps out kids who are having bad lives.
You know, there was a couple of miracles in your life I can see, the first, that a sister you hardly ever see managed to find you like that before it was too late, and the second that you are alive and well. I think there is a reason you were chosen to remain on earth, it may not become clear right now, but there is a plan for you. And its not to be somebodys door mat, or punching bag.It sounds like that sister loves you, maybe not in a way you would like, but she cares about you and worries. maybe she is the one you heard in the coma, maybe your mind didnt want to hear the others. I'll be back
And furthermore (lol) there is a third miracle, you have been "successful with NA" I always hate it when I see "defeatedgirl" but when I look up the definition of defeated, it can mean being defeated, or defeating something. I am going to start thinking, that you mean you are DEFEATING the addiction, there that's better. Maybe you were defeated when you done that to yourself, but you aren't NOW so THERE! B'ye and 2 thumbs up
Hi LizC, I'm just wondering how you are doing these days. I hope all is well for you. I worry about you sometimes. " There's no problem that a drink or drug won't make worse"
