I have noticed lately Iwanna cry alot... I have not cried much since I have been home and only a couple days whil in the hospital I just have not had time to think or feel...no one leaves me alone long enoughto actually sit with my thoughts...but when Ido Icry I over think...God's will for me is really different than the plans Ihave had so yes my life has been unmanageable I am truly powerless. now SURRENDER is tough... seems like time after time Ihave just another reason to not trust again... Went to my pain doc yesterday and had 10 shots (trigger point injections) hurts like hell but all I can do is try to wait them out so they will do what is needed...it's hard cause I can't sleep because I hurt... then my mind begins to race and stupid thoughts go thru my head... not thougts of death ...maybe some jealousy for what I am not really sure... well maybe Ido know but DAMN denial is easier or avoidance... can't wait to get into therapy to process some of this crap...then again where to start? I find myself missing my benzos...at least thenI could be numb...didn't have to feel anything that was easier but I don't hink easy is an option right now the emotions going thru my head when II have time to think bother me... I have been posting so damn much Iwonder if I get on your nerves as much as Iget on my own lol...I am starting to grow tired and weary... once agian and that is kinda scary. My psyc nurse come in today to talk about my "feelings" but it is so hard to open up again after recent events it is just easier to wanna be detached and act like all is well... many have heard "fake it till ya make it" and then it sinks in????? I ask because nothing is sinking lol well don't wanna write a book So that is where I am with things today
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
You can post all day every day and it wouldn't get on my nerves.
I have always found that when I feel depressed, lonely, and scared that meetings are the best answer. Go to as many as you can. Get phone numbers of other addicts and call them.
I have to FORCE my self to get out and mingle amongst others but i just feel so much better doing that these days I get the weepy tears and feel depressed and frustrated too but damn sure try not to stay in that for long. Dont stay in that missing my benzo's for long either your addictions calling you you want recovery keep on this and stay moving away from active addiction if your idel the disease is waiting to pounce and take back your life dont set yourself up for disaster DO SOMETHING !
deciede to walk to walmart no I didn't do the silly things butI found myself wandering mindlessly no intrest in anything but I gotout that was a start I bought candles to brighten the apartment just really blah may actually hit a f2f meeting depending on my options
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Good for you, Manon! I often use Walmart as a walking track... a lot of people do that here. I recall going through stages of weepiness, especially early one. I had a lot of unfelt pain and grief, which I wasn't able to let out around people. Its worse when you're in pain, of course. (Until last year, I had no clue that it wasn't "normal" to be in constant pain! LOL!) I hope you feel better soon!
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
