I must be especially bad at running my life -tee hee- because what I think should happen and would make me happy is never what happens.
The BIGGEST instance I can think of is when I went into rehab thinking that finally my family would be mended and we could all work through it.... My husband divorced me, took my kids, and i went bouncing around all over the place. My plan? Well NO!! But I have faith in my HP!!! I know now that our relationship was poison for both of us. Too many resentments. Too much to try and forgive. My HP(GOD for me) is an awesome God, and I know that he would not have let that happen if it were not the right thing.
I really do try and let my HP do all the planning for my life.I very rarely act before I stop and talk with my HP and ask for guidance and try and get out of the way.When I dont ,yikes "my will strikes again,usually creating confusion,trauma,and all sorts of goodies!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
One very vivid instance= I came to England on a study visa. That was the best way to get here and meet up in person with this girl of my dreams. My intention was to get in here, try and study but mostly devote myself to our affair !
As it turned out, that addictive logic coud have really had me in trouble; J was a very controlling, dominating sort of person who was not 12 Step. Therefore, even after sharing the feelings and wanting to amend it, there was no way but out.
I did that with a heavy heart, she seemed so full of love till she became cross, and I kew this was complete red-flag space ,,, so I had to move on. Pals like Dean, Vin and othershere stood by me and helped me make the right choices. Their energy was all the more vital wheni began to realize that Id left my young daughter, aged mother, thriving music business, lots of friends and Fellowship for this woman.
NA in MIP and meetings here gave me consolation, hope and alternates. So, God got me to do what my visa said Id come here for, study ! I did and the result has been excellent for this very mature student,,,distinction all the way, with a Union Award and a large circle of friends here, a lifetime experience !
I look back with ratitude to the times when inspite of thinking thoughts like "f!@# J, F!@# studies, im getting the hell out of here" I got some excellent support from tutors,,, thereby making things possible.
Well, after that experience, Im ready to go back to baby, ma, new house and my circle there in Bangalore, by the end of this month; looking forward to that.
I am reminded that "GOD'S WILL FOR US IS OUR OWN TRUE WILL FOR OURSELVES" .(BT, Step 11)
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
