Hey Manon, I definatly know what it feels like to wonder if Ill ever really get it. Ever be able to " stay on the wagon ". I had 8 years clean at one time and relapsed. The last 4 years of my life have consistently gotten worse. And I haven't strayed from the program. There hasn't been too many days that have passed where I didn't make it to a meeting or at least talked to another addict. They say insanity is repeating the same mistake and expecting a different result. I say true insanity really sets in when we know, without a shadow of a doubt, what the result will be , and then we do it any way.
The other night I had an epiphany. Ive never given up on the program, I know it works. Hell, I see it working for OTHERS all the time. Then it hit me, somewhere along the way I had stopped believing that it could work for me. Some where along the way I had stopped believing that I am worth it. That I am worthy of a better life. I mean why the hell do I keep going anyway. If it works for others it can work for me. It worked for me before!
I notice lately that I am quick to self destruct. I am not used to things getting better for me. So when they start getting better, I become uncomfortable. I got to shake things up. Turn it all upside down, and get back to my comfort zone. Only problem is that this so called comfort zone is not so comfortable. It leaves me wanting better things. So like some kind of puppet on a string I bounce back and forth like a ping pong ball, all the while getting the shit beat out of me. so today i have a choice, either continue being the ball..... Or get off the table.
This just where I'm at guys, I hope maybe it helps some one. Manon, you are in my prayers.