well i havent posted anything in a while so i thought i would just let everyone know how im doing. plus im procrastinating in going outside in the rain and wind to go job hunting.
school is alright. i had a test in my comparative religion class and i totally failed it. i forgot i had it and only studied for like an hour not even.
then i went to a concert with some friends. we saw fall out boy and blink 182. there was supposed to be weezer too but they couldnt come so we were all angry at that. fall out boy sucked. i wanted to shoot the singer in the face but blink 182 was amazing. i love them soooooooooooooooooooooo much. it was a fun night, but getting up for class the next morning wasnt so fun.
then yesterday i was hanging out with my friend josh and he asked if i wanted to smoke weed, so i did. i dont know what i was thinking or if i was even thinking at all? nothing persuaded my decision it just kinda happened.
my besttttt friend join the navy in highschool and he just finished bootcamp like last week and now hes going to florida and then to iraq. hes my ex but i still love him to death and im really scared for him. our relationship ended mutually. i told him i needed to focus on stop doing drugs and he agreed. so its not like anything hastey ended our relationship and he always said we would get back together when i was clean. well im clean and hes going to iraq. if he dies i wont know what to do with myself. ive never felt this way about anybody and all i can do is cry and cry and cry.t else can i do? i mean hes my bestfriend and helped pay for me to go to treatment the first time and he just wants me to be happy.
and the last thing that kinda surprised me is i got a call from one of the decons at my church and he asked if i wanted to be a eucaristic minister (someone who gives out the bread and the wine.) and i said yes. i think it would be awesome but why would they pick me? i hardly ever go to church when i did i didnt participate etc. he said that they were discussing and someone had mentioned my name. most of the eucaristic ministers are atleast in there 20's and im only 18. ill be the youngest one. and im not sure how i feel about that. and im kind of nervous to be one and stand infront of everyone and hand out the bread and wine. what if i mess up. but i have to go to training sessions at a different church and im nervous.
well other than that im doing fine. everythings fine. and i guess i should brave the weather and go find a job.
-- Edited by LizC on Friday 2nd of October 2009 11:15:17 AM
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
A slip is when you step into something that you didn't see,totally unaware of danger I dont think it was a slip it was a descision and you had a choice to remain abstinent or to use so take responsibilty for that and stop conning yourself.
AND i understand perfectly where your at , been there then I had to get honest with myself and stop lying and playing games palying along with the con, sorry to be so direct but that's me and this is no game but the addiction plays games and we can either choose to go along with that or try something different and doing the different thing is what brings long term recovery, none of us are cured recovery is forever, the choice comes with the decisions we make, hope that makes some sense ?
ha thanks anthony good to know. i will never go to chicago. but im not using. i used once and im not currently. its been a rough day. i went to visit my neice at the hospital. she is having surgery on wed. and only has a 30% chance to make it (shes only 2 months old). i found out today was my "second" moms day at church so i went to church with her and cried and cried the whole time. who knew it would be so hard to say goodbye to my best friend's mom. shes moving to maryland which is atleast 8.5 hours from ohio. im depressed and i think i may need to go to the doctor to get some anti depressants or something.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Life on lifes terms is what i hear going on and alot of minimizing the severity of that little slip up. Theres a difference between being clinically depressed and being depressed about depressing issues that are going on in our life! Im not a doctor (but I play one on tv lmao lmao) so I wont ever tell anyone that they are or they arent clinically depressed. What I DO know from living life as an addict is that whats coming out of your mouth came out of mine at exactly your age and led me to a life of pure HE double hockey sticks.
Do your self a BIG favor and take that slip up as serious as if your life depended on it because it DOES. Life is going to make you depressed. The fact that you feel the need to go see a doc for some pills for depression certainly will lead to wanting to see a doc for whatever feeling you are having.."Im always tired think i need to see a Doc. its not normal"".im having pains in my leg that I need to see a doc for cuz I dont think its normal" Im not saying you feel this way or say these things now! Im saying that I am afraid for you.Afraid that if you cant deal with the feelings life brings your way now that as it brings you different things in the future, you will do what it takes for you to feel 'normal" .That ever elusive mystical picture we put in our heads and keep reaching for.
Have you done any of the basics that will keep you from going too far? Meeting?read your big book? called a sponsor? have you hit your knees and asked God to guide you back to your recovery?
We love you here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Theres no judgement here; thats Gods work. Theres only honesty in our opinions of what we hear. Unconditional Love is what you will always have here. Keep coming back. We dont want to lose you.
I COMMEND your honesty as you write. That may very well save your life. Im very very impressed by your ability to just say it how it is regardless of what is said to you!
yes my honesty can get the best of me sometimes. i have done the basics. i go to meetins when i can. im battling some sickness that the doctors havent ben able to diagnose yet. i only have the AA big book. i dont have the NA big book but i read it online. im not a big fan of reading. im still in the search for a new sponsor. my last one yeah we're not going to go there. ive hit my knees many many times even screaming at the top of my lungs to god but thats another issue i have. ive been depressed for the past 5 or 6 years and im getting pretty tired of it.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
