I was updating my profile with all my "issues" for information about me and I realized that I had so beepin many! Its a wonder Im still not using. WELL< It is God who is holding me up at this point there is no doubt about it!I ramble alot when I get "excitable" so bear with me if you can.lmao 1) 1) the one child i have w me is not a child at all but a man. 19, korey is my only son and a member of the National Guard and has recieved his orders to go to Iraq in Jan '10( the 9th to be exact) Im ALREADY thinking ab it compulsively. My son is a "bit' of a mamas boy. i would never say that to his face but ya know.....lmao :) he just is. im having trouble picturing him out in that godforsaken country with an m16 in his hands...IM JUST PLAIN SCARED TO DEATH/ tried expressing myself but he doesnt allow talk ab it because he gets emotional and he wont do that in front of anyone. WHich makes me more scared! how will he handle it when he returns? He will be there 14 -18 months.
2) GAMbling still a problem/ not BIG TIME but I recognize my making excuses." I only go with 20-40 bucks and i usually double that and we need it!" "Ican walk out when I do make money so therefore Ii dont have a problem" Im BORED" i dont have a problem.......yeas I remember what step one is . One good thing is Im NOT using. :) But I also recognize that this may be a "gateway" if I dont get serious ab stopping soon! But unlike drugs I cant seem to make myself WANT to.
3) ex-husband/ enough said. Was married 15 years and left for a girl my daughters age! Yes ALOT of resentments that are not being let go! Im not God you know! I have had a light bulb come on just here lately that the WAY he left me is what im having trouble getting over. Taking my three girls with him and moving them 4 hours from me was just not right. he has apologized for it since then , but followed it up with how he just couldnt take it anymore(I was clean 3 months at the time!) and laying it back on me- so was he really sorry? probably not! Ive been remarried almost a year and talk about underlying issues. We fight more about things that have Nothing to do with him I swear!
4) my girls (ages 11,12,and 13) being raised by her/ they are more than half her age. (resentments ,resentments) I want my girls back!!! I pray on this issue ALOT. If God feels it is time, please show me how to make it happen.... I have been preparing myself for when the time comes doing things like checking out the schools and which part of Shreveport is best for that, making notes everytime I hear something going on that I think may be of relevance in a court room, putting a star next to every place in the divorce/custody papers that he is or has been in contempt of court. etc.... When will i know if Im truly ready? esp with this gambling "thing" going on.
5) my new husband : (geeze i sound like such a whiner, but im purging remember?LOL) well there isnt alot there thats wrong except for what I bring"to the table" from the past! We have extremely different ways we were raised and how we "treat money" even without the gambling issues, he is a scrimper an investor, where In my household we just used it up, and waited til we got more. We are both only children . this works for us and against us. we both like to run life our way! what addict doesnt though! He has NO backround w drugs or alcohol abuse yet I suspect he may have and just wasnt aware of it. I call him "mr perfect" when we fight. He lives inside the box and does everything like you are supposed to -his words,not mine! I keep accusing him of trying to put me inside that same box, but i do think he is just trying to help most of the time. Boring. the addict in me? or is it that Im just picking him apart for my own selfishness? we have only been married less than a year (nov 7th) and Ive already suggested marriage counseling. yikes
6) **YES theres MORE** sleeping habits. this is a weird one to try to explain. Cant sleep at night time. when i do sleep, its like 5/6 am til ar 10 or so.am! Its not a just too wired up to sleep thing. Its a subconcious fight in my head that doesnt want to go to sleep when its time for bed (in my husbands normal world-10 oclock)lmao oh i am way too hard on him arent I? why?
7) I smoke 2 packs a day
theres more but id be here all day....
**oh yeah, w are filing banruptcy and I put us there! he had a credit score of 750 when we met . now its like 500 guilt, shame. hatred of myself!
Do you go to meetings? have a sponsor? read the literature? any therapy?
If you read your post as though posted by someone else, how would you respond to it? What if you were her sponsor? What would you offer besides a shoulder to cry on & an ear to listen?
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Way to much for me to comment on there..One thing sticks out , You may want to consider a career in writing . Im not kidding . Despite the content I had fun reading your style . Very Erma Bombeckish . If your not writing as a job right now you may want to look into it.
Also pay attention to Lee . If I were the type to get into worshiping people , she would probably make my list .
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
YUP! lots of stuff goin on!!I can only think what I am trying to do with my 'grab bag" taking each situation and trying to make progess,not perfection or gradual improvement in each area.About korey ,thats one to digest but he did sign up and that comes with the territory,not much solace,but its what it is..I was in Navy from 66-70 headin toward Da nang river which didnt thrill my 1st wife or my mother,but it was what it was.I cancelled my volunteer request and stayed shipboard which offered some comfort back home..The other "stuff" seems to be a "big fat life on life terms " situations and I also agree making meetings,sharing with a sponsor,reading literature will remind you to remember 'easy does it!! As long as "you dont pick up"you got a good shot at handling what comes "day by day".Thats enough phlilosophy Dr. Mike!!!Anyway ,thanks for sharing all thatI gotta get back to my "grab bag",now where did I put that $20.00 scratch off i just bought?? peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Wow, Anthony you just dont know what reading your comment did for my day Not only do I not write as a career choice, I dont have a career at all!!! I was told over and over in my younger days that that is what i should do( by both laymen and teachers in the semesters I started school twice! ) One of them actually passed me for what she read in the 3 papers I turned in all semester! lmao If I only knew then what I know now!
So now I sit here at 42 feeling completely worthless and you tell me that after 20 years of not being in school I still may have an underlying talent! Now what to do with that?! I cannot say thank you with enough enthusiasm with words!!!!
enough said. Was married 15 years and left for a girl my daughters age! Yes ALOT of resentments that are not being let go! Im not God you know! I have had a light bulb come on just here lately that the WAY he left me is what im having trouble getting over. Taking my three girls with him and moving them 4 hours from me was just not right. he has apologized for it since then , but followed it up with how he just couldnt take it anymore(I was clean 3 months at the time!) and laying it back on me- so was he really sorry? probably not! Ive been remarried almost a year and talk about underlying issues. We fight more about things that have Nothing to do with him I swear! 
We are both only children . this works for us and against us. we both like to run life our way! what addict doesnt though! He has NO backround w drugs or alcohol abuse yet I suspect he may have and just wasnt aware of it. I call him "mr perfect" when we fight. He lives inside the box and does everything like you are supposed to -his words,not mine! I keep accusing him of trying to put me inside that same box, but i do think he is just trying to help most of the time. Boring.
the addict in me? or is it that Im just picking him apart for my own selfishness? we have only been married less than a year (nov 7th) and Ive already suggested marriage counseling. yikes
to much for me to comment on there..One thing sticks out , You may want to consider a career in writing . Im not kidding . Despite the content I had fun reading your style . Very Erma Bombeckish . If your not writing as a job right now you may want to look into it.
) One of them actually passed me for what she read in the 3 papers I turned in all semester! lmao If I only knew then what I know now! 
