I was once in a dark place myself. I know the pain and heart ache of loving an addict who cant or wont walk down the path to recovery. This is for all who have ever felt my pain, rage, anger and the final realization that the person we love is an addict and cannot be trusted.
My life fell apart on April 6, 2009 due to my husbands 30 years of drug addiction. My entire world as I knew it spiraled out of orbit. I was in so much rage and pain. The only thing I wanted to do was crawl up in bed and shut out the world. I was in love and addicted to my husband the crack addict. Like so many stories, I tried in vain to fix what was wrong with my husband. I tried to find and force solutions that did not work. I almost went insane trying to fix what was wrong with him so I could make our lives better.
I finally accepted defeat ~ Crack cocaine was the victor. That cheating BI--CH won my husband of 11.5 years, it won his life, soul and heart and most importantly, crack won my husbands joy and reason for living. Crack destroyed our lives financially, emotionally, spiritually and almost physically.
The stories on this forum helped me during those dark days. They let me know that I was not alone or insane.
Picture a river or ocean and two people trying to hold onto that round donut shape floater and going nowhere. Imagine that the one you love is trying to hold onto a big rock. You both are stuck going nowhere and are slowly drowning. You are tired, hunger, angry and feeling trapped and the one you love refuses to let go of that dang rock. No matter what you try, the situation becomes worse. That is where I was several months ago - drowning in the middle of my husbands ocean of drugs. The waves were rough and unforgiving.
Every solution I tried failed miserably. Self perseveration, salvation and instinct kicked in and I began to swim toward shore alone.I could see the light coming from the shore but my husband was so focused on his rock he could not see what my own eyes could clearly see ~ our salvation. The beams emanating from that light were warm, inviting and peacefully beckoning us to come ashore. I knew that if we could somehow reach that shore we would find peace, love, serenity and the God of our understanding. We could be a happy family once again. Once I realized that my husband was not going to let go of his rock and we were both slowly sinking, I let him go. If I stayed with him, that rock would have drowned us both. Letting my husband go and swimming to that shore was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life.
The people here in this forum prayed for me and gave me advice. They sent me their love and support through prayers and words.
Today is September 17, 2009 and I am alive. I am now on shore and can feel the peace, warmth, love and serenity here. I even found a new purpose for my life. My husband is still an active addict and we do not live together anymore. I have turned his life and care over to the God of my understanding because I know that my Higher Power can do for him what I was unsuccessfully unable to do ~ guide my husband to the shore.
Each day I try to become a better person and I ask the God of my understanding to guide and direct my life. She helps me whenever I am worried and unsure of the life path I should follow. Today I am working the 12 steps in Al-Anon and on the road to recovery. I take life, one day at a time and try not to dwell too much on the past. Each day, I ask the God of my understanding to help me live in today and not tomorrow. Today, I am learning to love myself more, put my faith first and to be gentle and caring to my aching heart and soul.
I still have a long ways to go but today I can walk this burning road with my Higher Power by my side. The longer I walk, the stronger I become. I love you all and just wanted to say thank you in a special way. Thank you for being here for me and thank you for giving me a place to vent and share my experiences openly and honestly about my husband drug addiction.
God bless each and every one of you who read this post. I pray that you will find your own light to peace and happiness that I am now privy to enjoy.
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Thursday 17th of September 2009 03:59:53 PM
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Friday 18th of September 2009 10:08:24 AM
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Friday 18th of September 2009 10:12:00 AM
DELTAREDD! tHANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR PAIN.There are many on here ,including myself ,who have or are battling not only their own addiction and recovery but also a loved ones.It at times is hard to discern which is more devastating.We as family can learn the tools we need,share from our hearts with those who hold no judgement and continuosly try and work recovery in all areas of our lives.We have put our faith in our program ,surrendered completely to our 3rd step and "got out of the way" to let things work.We can only "work' our own recovery.I will definitely keep you in my heart and prayers as I do daily for each of us.. Keep comin back ,let us know how you are doing.PEACE MIKEF
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hello Deltaredd, the following is in no way a judgement or an expert opinuon on your post. It is just a condensation of my own painful experiences with co-dependency, and the solace I found !
An addict like me will not change direction or attitude qucik enough to avoid further pain and conflict ! That can be siad to be the result of being obstinate, being obssessed and such like ! These handy lables hurt us further and keep us more in denial.
Basically one has to realize that self-identity issues need to be addressed here. The attractiveness of letting go old patterns that keep us stuck in a negative self-image needs to be greater than wanting to hold on. While Im in an intimate-relationship, I enjoy the closeness, intimacy feelings of love and belonging etc. But when things get otherwise, what do I do ? I cannot accept reality, because Im saying "Oh no this cant be, it was so good". I feel pain, fear and frustration. I try and fix things.I try to hold on and hold on because Im saying to myself "It is better to hold on to this familiar pain, I know some coping mechanisms. The next time, it will get better". That's fine, and if there is a turnaround, I feel blessed. What happens when things do no change like I would like it to, then what ?
And therein lies the difficulty. It is diificuly to understand in that space, but anything that has not worked well in the reltionship as yet, inspite of correct application, has to be changed. A complex, intimate relationship cannot be fixed with mere coping mechanisms when it runs into foul weather. What needs to be done is to address the problem both with experience of self-help as well as expert opinion. This will certainly lead to constructive dialogue, thereby leading to a way by which the partners can stay as friends, at the worst. It is also very possible that we will be able to slove conflict and avoid further pain and hurt by allowing expert opinion to get into the act.
That said however, I need to rememeber at all times that my own recovery is my first priority, and that any pretensions at social acceptability that may be attributed to having an intimate partner has to be rejected. The Basic Text cleary says that "social acceptability does not equeal recovery".
-- Edited by Raman on Friday 18th of September 2009 09:01:43 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Delta Redd, thank you so much for laying your heart bare here. I have a friend who is living with a using addict, but I haven't been able to find the right words to say to her. Would it be ok if I shared your post with her? She needs your experience, strength, and hope... as do I.
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
Bless you for the courage and faith and strength and love it took to let go. That kind of letting go is a hard and hurting thing to do, but I know from my experience that it can be the only way to save at least one person from the wreckage. Makes for a great story, but in real life, there's just no real benefit to going down with the ship.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
There is no honor in allowing something or someone to rob you of the life that God has given you. God or The God of your understanding gave you the precious gift of life, only God has the right to take it away.
The God of my understanding loves me and has a greater purpose in my for my life here on this earth and it does not include going down with someone's ship. Going down with the ship is a waste of life and soul. Just think about all the good one life can do for others.
Love and peace to you, today and always.
-- Edited by DeltaRedd1984 on Wednesday 23rd of September 2009 09:51:31 AM
