My name is Annie and I am feeling the question of the day.  I have had the hardest time being honest with myself and others about who I am and what it is that I need.  I just got out of a marriage of 2 years and I am gay. I tried to reconnect with my ex girlfriend and things kept going bad for us. She has been clean for 4 years and with our past we have had the toughest time trying to validate each others feelings about what actually happened to us. We got together out of high school and I really love this girl. I have loved her since 8th grade and when I finally got a chance to be with her I thought that all my dreams have come true. Little did I know that this would be the begining of the end for me and her being friends or lovers. We decided to be together over the phone and then we were planning on moving in with each other. We both used drugs and drank and we were going to school and holding down jobs. Right before I moved out there she ended up sleeping with a man. I found out about this later and confronted her and the dude one day and from that day foward we weren't together. I did a lot of mean things to her like ignore her and treat her like she wasn't even human to me. I was hurt and I was wrong for doing these things to her. After that she ended up dropping out of school and going into porno movies. For years after her I didn't have a relationship with women just men as sort of a punishment for myself. It wasn't like I didn't care about these men, but in my heart I knew that all I wanted was to be with her. I blammed myself for her getting into the drugs even more and going to jail and not going to school and doing the movies. I have 2 kids now and my marriage failed due to him cheating on me and he is a alcoholic. I haven't done drugs since 3-25-1999 but I did drink a glass of beer or a drink once and awhile. Drinking wasn't my thing but the drugs were. So after my marriage failed I only wanted to call her and be with her. We fought so much about our past and hurt each other even more. Being honest with her wasn't easy but I did do it. I just didn't give her everything because I was still hurt about our past. Now she and I aren't even talking and it is killing me. I know that if I don't get a sponser soon I will be in a bad way. I don't have the erge to use, but I am so damaged inside that you might as well say that it could happen if I don't get some help. If there is anyone out there that can help me please email me at andena31@yahoo.com. I need some friends and someone who I can talk to about everything that will not judge me or make me feel like crap. I want to aknwledge the real me and make amends to her so that I can finally feel like I can move on. Please Help Me!

Thank you. I am doing the best that I can but it feels like i am dying inside. I want to giver all of me and let her in but i just don't know how.

I will write her. I need to work the 12 steps and find some peace. I know that in order to heal I have to do work. I need a sponser. I am going to this womens group tuesday and I will be networking for a sponser for sure. I can't wait to let it help me.