I am not sure how to word this so Ill just write lol. As you all know I am 2 years clean but in a relapse of a different nature, and I KNOW what to do to find my way back....
But everytime, I mean EVERY TIME, I say okay starting Monday, its 90 in 90.....I make some sort of excuse (though at the time it doesnt feel like one) and again and again....I am letting this disease win. i am a mess! I mean it when I say it...i feel fear, reluctance, and just plain "dont want to's" disguised as I am running alte with dinner and cant do both, I haven taken a shower today and I look a mess etc....
Has anyone here been through this kind of I wnat to but then I dont, then i want to then I dont...behavior>?
My sponsor has always said that its when I dont want to that I need it most. Knowing this factually doesnt make me go.
as of now, this is the only form of na I have. i know i need more, but ????
Hey Carol! Thanks for sharing...Cant be them 'character defects" can it!!!Many nights i HAVE TO DRAG MYSELF OUT TO MY HOMEGROUP(IN FACT AFTER ALMOST 2 YEARS THERE,I STILL KEEP COFFEE COMMITTMENT SO i KNOW I NEED TO SHOW UP(sorry for yelling))open doors and greet people early.Once Im there Im usually okay..As far as your"relapse" as long as you "dont use" you"ll be okay.Right now Im practising on 6th step work,"taking these defects and working toward gradual improvement instead of immediate faultlessness,it allows me to see the improvement(stay away from Track for me,no high stake card games,dont have to have numbers everynight do I??)AND ON TO OTHER AREAS all as challenging, affairs of the mind,resentments ,uhh this page is too small!!!Anyway thats my penny and a half Im a "little bankrupt mentally right now ,but as Arnie said"i'll be back"!! peace.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I cannot pronounce judgement on what you shared, but let me say this dearie "Dont be too hard on yourself"
A meeting a day keeps the addiction away, and so it has been these last 21 years and 10 months of my life.
Sometimes Ive had to make do with whatever sort of meeting was available,including online, snail mail, phone chat with an other recovering addict, meeting outside meetings, on-the road meetings, service meetings and sometimes just sitting and sharing one-oneone with just one other recovering addict.
The first priority was and has always been live, regularly scheduled meeting wherein they shared recovery as experienced thru the 12 Steps of NA and the grop followed the NA Traditions !
And when that was not availbe, I did all those other sort of meetings, and God's Grace, Ive survived !
However what works for one may or may not work for another, I believe ech ust find his or her own path with the 12 Step Program.
I remember that the Basic Text describes this as= " although addicts are basicaly the same in kind, we do as individuals differ in degree of sickness and rate of recovery".
One of the obstacles then was my confusion abput what would happen to me if I let go of the things that prevented me from enjoying nore of the benefits that this Program has to offer, some call it "reservations".
Being an addict, I have confused being thorough with being perfect, the latter is the disease and the former equeals recovery in my experience !
God Stay You Blessed in your recovery,,, youre doing all right, [probably the best you can do as of his moment; but know that it can be changed the very next second, that is why bein in the here and now is a strong recommendation !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hey Carole, it might help if you write in the meetings that you're going to attend in a calendar, then put them on your daily "things to do list" (you do make those don't you? )
yeah been there, still at times do, it's very hard for me to remember at these difficult times that I can't whether I want to or not, all alone by myself...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
So do you have an ok size fellowship where you live Carol? Getting a member to either remind you or pick you up maybe a good idea.
When I was going through a downturn, seemed like most guys in the Fellowship were indifferent to this older member.
I felt hurt and uncared for after having done a lot of service for NA, accepting the unacceptable people there and generally being part of Fellowship. And spending large amounts of money on newcomers without asking anthing back.
Then this guy, who people seem to call erratic, lunatic,eccentric was the first to reach out. He drove down in his motorcycle many times and took me to the local meetings.
From my heart, I have prayed to God to Bless him with abundance !!
So, I try and remember, that when people seem weird, cold and uncaring, that is when Ive found a new person come into my life, and we get some mutual help going !
That is why I will never forget the importance of Online-Forums, and other informal meetings.
Anyways now, comin back to you, if there is a helpline in your area, call and ask for a drive to the meetings, or network with memers to do the same !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Oh man, I have the same problem. Excuses Excuses Excuses! They're SO easy to find, they're everywhere, and they bury your desire to stay clean.
You need to realize that you're in denial, and shout yourself through it if you have to. I've had to face down using right in front of my face, sometimes I wasn't successful... but when I was it was always worth it.
Take it one day at a time - start making excsuses for the OPPOSITE direction, like make an excuse for why you SHOULD stay clean.
An addiction is an addiction is an addiction is an addiction...hope you're not into playing with fire-it can get away from you...so unless you are really going for threetimesaround my two-cents worth is if you can't get there under your own steam, move heaven and earth to get someone to take you. If 90 in 90 is not happening, set a minimum that your driver can commit to and start there. Best wishes-{{{hugs}}}
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
It seems most of all that concious decisions help. Just for today, I will attend a meeting, no matter what. And if the decision becomes slack, time to decide once more !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
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