Please God (of my understanding) |Take my will and my life guide me in my recovery and show me how to live... the NA way. I started this post with the third step prayer I have been presented with a request that I need the God of my understandings answers when it comes to this my mind has been so confused a little clarity would be nice. You have seen someone express true feelings here, which honestly scared me to read when I realized what was going on my life seemed to be ripping apart at the seams. The next right thing didn't seem so right anymore. The closure asked for is fair. All the other stuff seems not to matter, for I see the pain it is causing. Whether I can trust enough to know if what I am being told is true or someones education surpassing my simple mind. (as simple as borderline can get ) You should not be punished because you dared to love regardless of the "rules" I have had the pleasure to feel "true Love" whether it was forbidden or not it is real. Whether or not this feeling or request is in vain, it is simple and honest. I can respect that. The request that was presented to me will have response by the end of day tomorrow. I am hoping for God's speed with the answers that are being requested of me. Please understand I am taking this to a higher authority. To a higher power that will not place more on me than i can handle. This has jolted me in many ways as it has the other party involved. Things have not been easy on me. My Mother is so scared I am going to "end" she calls more than i used to call her. (funny story yet for another time and place) I have never seen the love that I have experienced and all I can do is hope and pray that it is true. I have to take a huge leap of faith, not knowing if I can recover from another heartache. I was asked not to do this in riddles for lack of a better word. (even if I have to google at least a word in every paragraph) He is not a simple mind either. We are one in the same. In many aspects. And so different in many others. but the bond we shared can't be taken back (the bonding of our blood) That will 4ever be sacred to each of us. I am trying so hard to do the next right thing with so much coming from so many different directions, not able to trust MYSELF, let alone the words of another. (NEED TO VENT FOR A SEC) I started in this relationship @ 147 pounds I am now 119. doctors are threatening to put a tube down my nose, What they don't understand is I am eating, Just not able to keep it in my system long enough for it to do anything for me nutrient wise.
The feeling I have for this person are hard to deny... Even if everyone says it's head games. They don't see him thru the same eyes as I look upon him with, Another addict in pain. Is it not within the principles to wanna help them heal from this? A confession of true emotion has been asked of me. To stand b4 all and say I love you. My head and Heart are in a tug of War not wanting to know which is gonna win, for fear it will be the wrong answer. Rock and a Hard spot. One way or another someone is gonna get hurt. I can be medicated to an extent but there is a big part of me that can't be that needs this person in my life but, I am so scared of what might happen I don't know if I can be honest with myself let alone them. Going to my special place. The place I said i would take you to because that is where my higher power speaks to me clearly. I hopefully will return with answers you are requesting if I have not already done so by other actions.
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Hey Manon! Although I am totally clueless on whats going on I continue to pray for your peace and serenity.Sometimes it just takes"the next day" to continue forward...mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Dean you have been the answer to the prayer I was waiting for someone to tell me what the RIGHT thing was.
Having you in my life b4 everything went sour was nice but my shaking started the day we met in the bar. I knew what we were doing was not right. No matter how real I thought thing were or how you say they are. This is not healthy I will tell you the same via email you are welcome here I don't mind sharing my place in recovery but this "affair" has to end here Dean's right I shouldn't be so sick that i am not functioning. After the last email I counted out my Xanax just to see if I had enough to do the job. That is not how I want to remeber this or have my family suffer because of what this has done to me. I love you no doubt this just wasn't meant for us. I so didn't want you to hurt I felt your pain but as someone who needs help healing not as my partner you in fact are still married and that alone is enough of a red flag to say "wait I am worth more than that"
I have been dealing with my DID bad and have done things I have not remembered doing with that all being said I wish you all the luck and happiness for what the future holds I don't know only god does. But I do wish you and your family complete restoration
-- Edited by Manon on Sunday 6th of September 2009 08:58:44 PM
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
I am such a dreamer wanting the fairy tale, yet after posting that I am in tears and can't seem to find a reason to take my next breathe Family I am at a loss I know what me and this person had was beautiful but maybe because it was forbidden is what made it so. I have said recently that I cannot trust myself now I know why. I was right I cannot handle another heartache With love and I mean that
-- Edited by Manon on Monday 7th of September 2009 10:44:24 AM
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
You soundling like keli withy all the doom n gloom and death , even suggesting suicide I have no clue what's going on REALLY , John needs to get back on this board and sort things out which I will be making that call today, this morning.
no Raman in fact the Keli that is here on the board is using a false persona and was my shrink. sorry bout the doom and gloom I guess that is where "kelli" and I are alot alike. the way Dean said love wasn't supposed to make you sick is what I was thanking him 4
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
I know the drama has been thick but if you paid attention to "kelli's" posts those were cries for my attention I was so caught up in my own shit to read it all I thought some snot nosed kid is gonna tell me about a love that took 36 years to find well 36 in october. But none the less this has been a rough month. But the picture Vini edited he didn't edit ti b4 I saw it the gun the movie the jewlery those things at one time belonged to me minus the gun. I am at a loss of what to do ||I want to end but it's a permanent solution to a temporaary problem I am stronger than that but the thoughts do pass in and out of my mind thinking that in some way it would just be easier if...I have an appointment with a new shrink hopefully we can get my head on straight. This time the shrink is a woman so this one should go ok
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
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