I read every word... I'm not sure I understood all of it, but I got this... you're hurting, confused, and angry. I'm glad you feel better for getting it out. It's OK to feel what you're feeling. It's OK to be where you're at, even if it is a hard place to be.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. OK, it works a helluva lot better when you're clean than when you're using, but you keep coming back... that takes courage that many who are now dead did not have. Keep coming back.