I think of the 18 year old "boy" next to me in the"bush".He talks about his new wife and little baby,how he can't wait to get out of this jungle, get home and be with his only "one".What AM I DOING HERE HE SAYS!I loved him so much yet I barely new him,We shared the same dirt pit in a forsaken country that didnt want us there. After a lightning storm of metal and smoke I began speaking again,there was no reply.The one that I loved was "no longer" and yet I chose to continue on.. it took me another 25 years to find "that one" that was meant for me!!I was glad I stuck around...excerpts from 'JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF MY MIND" 40 years plus later I can reflect,spend a moment in the pain,celebrate the love that I knew ,although only briefly, and continue on!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
It's true what they say about how "an addict can complicate a ham sandwich". I gotta say that your expectations are high for only 100 days clean. I was severely depressed (and going through a divorce) at the beginning of my recovery and didn't have what I'd call a "good" day for about 6 months. I had been a sick addict for 15 years, how was I supposed to be all better after 100 days, that's just stupid right there. Sure I thought about killing myself, but I'm just not a coward. Plus I had a son, brother, mother and father to look after. I guess I'm not at self centered as your average addict. What I can tell you is that it does get better and today some 20 odd years later, my life is unbelievably good. There isn't one thing that I want that I don't have already. I can go anywhere I want (and have been around the world) and buy just about anything if I want. Have a fantastic wife of 12 years (16 year relationship) and am living the life that you call "boring" minus the country club (I don't play golf). So are you going to tell me that I'm a "liar and a hypocrite" also?
I appreciate that it's your life to live or die, but why come here and talk trash about the program and tell us about all your fantastic dramatic romantic plans about ending it? Last time I checked this sight isn't www.SuicideFantancies.com. I hope that you feel better tomorrow and get a grip. You have an adult and an inner child living within you, guess which one is driving the car that is your body right now?
Dean that is one thing I admire about you brother you are not afraid to speak your mind even when you have posted on some pity party I was on you werte there with nothing but brutal honesty I respect that
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Dean that is one thing I admire about you brother you are not afraid to speak your mind even when you have posted on some pity party I was on you werte there with nothing but brutal honesty I respect that
thanks Manon, please do the same for me. I lol'd hard at your response in this thread. Keli, you have wonderfully creative writing talent.
Actually, "the one" shattered my heart into a million peices 26 years ago... I talked to him the other day... when he asked me why I never punched his lights out all those years ago as he deserved, I told him it was because I have always been, and will always be his friend, that he has always been in my heart.
I do love him, with all my heart. He does not know to this day how badly he hurt me... because I love him. Hurting him never occurred to me... because I love him.
Making somebody pay for hurting me, with my death? How could I possibly claim to love them and still plan to inflict the soul-guilt of my suicide upon them?
I have been suicidal many times in the past... I, too am mentally ill... but I yet live...
Why?
BECAUSE WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DO I HAVE TO SELFISHLY BLOW MY BRAINS OUT FOR SOME POOR SUCKER TO FIND MY REMAINS???
Trust me, suicide scars EVERYONE it touches... your friends... family... total strangers even...
You have an incredible gift with words, Keli... stop using them as weapons. Self-pity is not art.
If you must have revenge, then know this: living well is the best revenge.
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
I have a broken heart today, failed in a relationships recently but I am reaching out and getting support even though I really screwed up last night sending text messages and calling her and raving like a maniac, it was insane on my part, I hate what i did I even hated myself enough to think about using or suicide but they were very fleeting and I didn't encourage the thought long. The hard part is not encouraging the obsession to call and try to fix this, theres no fixing what's done now only to move on try to move forward find my own faults and insanity because this has become a common theme for me .
We have to find reasons to live and maybe even a purpose, I had some what of a spiritual experience just before my last relapse. A loud voice told me 2 things "Get to Na " and " Help other addicts", I didn't listen and relapsed over selfish self pity and unmanageable powere driven control freak, what I got was disappointment then I relapsed. Well some of those same things are happening again but this time I will not use I will face myself and my troubles and deal with them by taking responsibilty you will not hear me whining or throwing of what I have done onto that woman, its mine my baggage not hers.
Hey Vinnie! I hear you,you do what I do with my wife ,I say whats on my mind,I answer my own questions and then say thanks for being there Doc!Thanks for sharing whats on your heart,we know what we got to do and your doing it!!These continual "wounds' take time to heal ,some longer than others.As we get further along in our recovery we can usually see "ourselves" coming from a mile away.gives us a little more time to adjust,,,Enjoy this day mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Goodmorning Keli! I pray that today brings you a little brighter outlook on your life. Continue to 'pour out your spirit" and release what you need.You are continuing to "share from your heart" so I am glad communication is still alive.Without it there can be no interaction whether it is uplifting or not.Your "gift" with words definitely reach us all in different ways."Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking"You are definitely "using the antidote"However you feel, I WISH YOU A BLESSED DAY...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
you seem so familiar maybe because your words remind me of my true loves the story is familiar as well the things you speak of I can relate to but it does get better I promise
-- Edited by Manon on Sunday 23rd of August 2009 11:03:03 PM
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Kelli, you have to set a boundary for yourself here. You can't go on wanting someone that doesn't want you. That is part of our sick dysfunctional stuff we got from our childhood, trying to get love and approval from someone who is emotionally unavailable. The guy "the one" has nothing to do with this. He/she is just the object of your obsession and represents that parent or whoever from your childhood that you thought that you couldn't win their love. It's a current event tied to an unresolved issue, which means that it's no where near as valid as you believe it to be. Your brain (your disease) is pulling a big one over on you. You need to go and get some help.
Btw, how will we know whatever happens to you when we don't know who you are or where you live?
TOugh times = action I had to get my ass to a meeting last night talked about the breakup I am going through to people I never met and got to talk with a few guys during the break then after the meeting and it helped, i'm still in a lot of pain and was acting out but todays a new day and i'm going to let the whole affair go and deal with whats in front of me.
good job BigV, It will all look different to you in a little while. I look back at how tore up I was over my divorce. I was thinking about murder/suicide, sat on my bed loading and unloading my browning hi-power 9mm having fantasies about offing my x, my x's boyfriend, her parents, and probably myself (was having trouble imagining offin myself ). But now I think about her and I don't even have the desire to talk to her about our son. We are totally different people and as such incompatible. I have grown and she hasn't (still drinking). Today I don't not place any value on physical appearances. She is a very attractive woman and that's all that I saw in her (valued) then, as if it was some sort of asset of mine and I was losing this valuable asset to my self esteem. I traced this back all the way to 8th grade when I was new in a school and wanted to be liked. I looked around and saw the guys that were admired and "Cool" and they had pretty girlfriends. So I figured all I had to do was to have a pretty girlfriend and I'd be admired amongst my peers as well. I did and it worked, so from then on it became a rule that I HAD to have a pretty girlfriend to be OK. So in addition to losing a relationship and a "best friend" I was losing perhaps the majority of my false self esteem, every time a long term relationship ended. The events piled on and the unresolved issues became huge baggage for me that multiplied the pain in the consecutive occurrences. By the time my divorce happened it was so big I couldn't possible sort it out, especially under the mask of drinking and drugs. I did learn, from the previous two years of going to AA/NA meetings, that I wasn't going to be able to deal with it unless I got clean and even then that It would take awhile. Anyone going through this needs to buy time. Look at your calendar and plan as if it were a sprained ankle that will take some six weeks to heal. Keep your head down, take care of yourself, do the next right thing, go to meetings, stay busy with your other friends, work with your sponsor and buy time. Time heals All
