I am thinking more and more that I don't need NA to stay clean. Millions have done without it and have gotten better. Why can't I?
Meetings are always the same clique of people, with their obligatory hug and "how are you". I hear the same damn stories everywhere I go.
I HATE writing and if one more person tells me to write about how I feel...christ!
Should your sponsor be asking you "Did you write this week?" "How many meetings did you go too?" Okay MOM...I am frickin' 31 years old. If I need to go to a meeting I will go. LAY OFF.
Plus I have tons of other things in my life I would rather be doing then sitting in a cold and smelly church basement.
FYI: I haven't felt like using since I got clean.
Just need advice...
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Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,, nice homnest share Lizzielulu. Thanks for the honesty.
When I came into NA, i was choiclessly aware; Id run out of options and enrgy and did as I was told. At firt it seemed a novelty after all thos e years of using and then it became something Id rather do tha use.
One fine morning I realized that I loved the way of life NA was showing me, so I decided to get all that was on offer. Ive done all the suggestions, Ive done it all to satisfaction.
The one thing we addicts need to reckon with is that we are still human. And that to me has meant at times thinking "Fuck you all, Im sick and tired of these pretenses and repetitive lifestyle". but then, each time, by God's Grace, Ive quickly realized anything is better than sing so Id get back on the Program.
That said, I look today for balance and variety. Balance means equealising Prayer with Meditation, service with one on one, and such things in all areas of my life. Variety hasbecomethe spice oflife for me. I am reminded form the pamphlet Another Look that the sick, self centred and repetitive lifestyle of addiction can come back in recovery, and I must do the balance and variety routines before that happens.
Recovery and Relapse in the Text indicates that life may again become meaningless, monotonous and boring. we may tire physically in our new activities and tire physically in our new ideas, yet we know that if we fail to repeat them we will surely take up our old habits.
Im greatful to all the folks that stayed me in my recovery !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I get it..I get the program. I just don't think I need to go to crappy basements with cliquey people. NA is more of a social club then anything else. I can be social at my tai-chi class. Most people at an NA are NOW addicted to meetings. They need to have balance in their own lives. I don't need to go 5 times a week! I have been in meetings for 6 months now and I haven't formed one relationship with any person there?? It is all a clique. I just I am no good for them.
And i hear the same old tired stories week after week. At different meetings: "When I feel like using, I go for a walk, practice breathing or read my NA book...." Well, no shit. BUT EVERY MEETING? You need to say that at every meeting?
And my sponsor should lay off of me. She works as a part-time manager. I am a 60 hour a week worker at a REAL job. I have major dealings at work. I am not just telling an employee when to cook up the french fries.
And the endless writing everyone tells you to do...JUST STOP with it already.
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Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.
Hey lizzielulu! Welcome to the board.Thanks for sharing honestly how you feel.It seems as if you have kind of made up your mind on attending or not though?My story is a little backwards from the usual.I got clean long time ago,went to program very sporadically and didnt come back for about 23 years until feb.2008.I came back because although I had lost the desire to use I was still battling all my other demons(life on lifes terms without being twisted everyday..) I was abstinent from drugs but not working "recovery'To me they are very different areas.I also find it important "for me" to do service" to try and give back what i could.I am definitely no Knight in shining armor trying to save the world,i AM JUST A GRATEFUL ADDICT IN "RECOVERY"and find BY working the program<along with my faith beliefs it has enhanced my life and those around me.Do i sometimes wonder why I am back after being"clean: so long?absolutely,Do I get tired of same old stories?yes but my discernment and ability to listen has been 'IMPROVED"For all those years I walked with the God of my understanding I still felt there was more for me. I take what I can use,throw the junk away,and leave most meetings feeling okay.Yes my sponsor is slow as a snail by my standards of doing things,I get frustrated but we talk about it.You do not have to keep a sponsor if you feel its not right(but you may have to look inward to see whats up)Its good that you came here to share ,so that means you are still looking which way to go.Crappy basements,cliquey people,old timers more confused then newbies,yup its all there.Its light years away from where I came from though.Keep coming back ,hope to hear from you again. peace mikef (another addicts story that you have probably heard before)
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Well Lizzielullu, just one more attempt to communicate with you and then Im done; I believe someone will appear to be of help to you. I just wanted to ask you, how are you feeling ? Is this tiredness and need for add-ons to recovery or are you feeling angry, hurt and resentful at being left out ? As for you sponsor, communicate your feelings to her. Then if it still wont work, move on, find someone youll vibe well with and can confide feelings and problems without being given stock answers !! Best Of Luck from a recovering friend in England !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Lizzie I actually hear what your saying. personally i dont go to a lot of meetings I haven't been to one in weeks I dont have a sponsor other then a few people I know in recovery and this here board. I do service work here and in the chat/meeting room. I try to stay connected to the program as best I can .
For me helping out keeps me in the program , sharing here on the board and I know this program and how it works, I work the spiritual principles best I can I stay open honest and willing , when things get difficult I ask for help. I pray and meditate and honestly do the best I can to stay focused in my recovery and in contact with my higher power
I know where the meetings are at, I know where to find help when I need it and i know I have to stay connected some what and not isolate myself, I know myself and when myself is getting unmanageable I get help some where from some one and this program.
So maybe your just going to have to decide and pray on this for guidance, we're not supposed to give you advice though we can share our experience strength and hope.
All of you are part of a higher power in my life , thoughs staying clean help me to learn how to live a good life , this program has helped me to stop using dope and along with my desire I have been succesful over 3 years now and have gotten a life now but I can't disconnect myself from this higher power for any reason or excuse and thats one thing we do real well come up with excuses and reason so put yourself in check, be honest about what and how much you need to remain in recovery, this doesn't happen overnight its an ongoing thing for most of us.
Hey Lizzie, how about trying some AA meetings. I went to both in the beginning and gravitated toward AA because there were 10 times as many meetings (20 years ago) to choose from. In the DC area we had 3 or 4 dozen AA clubs, each club having potentially thousands of members, which for me provided better opportunities to meet people to befriend that had common interests. The "fellowship" that we acquire in the program is one of the most important elements. I still keep in close contact with friends from year one on a monthly basis even though I moved away to FL 17 years ago.
I started to write a response earlier and got interupted. It sounds like you've got a case of "restless, irritable, and discontent" going on. You may be making the meetings (and people in them) the object of your discontent. As addicts we relied heavily on substances and events to alter our moods. This became second nature and quite automatic so it's also automatic to believe that people places and things can make us unhappy when the only one that can do that is us. Happiness is a decision that we make over and over each day. We can practice gratitude all day and be happy for who we are and our needs being met or we can find fault with everything and make ourselves miserable. It's our choice day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. The great news is that we can start over anytime we want, right in the middle of a "bad day" if you like. There are NO bad days, just mental health days.
-- Edited by DeanC on Saturday 22nd of August 2009 08:04:58 AM
hi there lizzielulu,listenin 2 ur post there was like as if i wrote it myself...............,i totally agree with everything u said, and i luv d honesty, take care look forward to hearing from u in the future x susie28 Ireland
I just needed to vent. I am happy others feel the same way. I don't mean to discourage anyone.
I am just having a rough patch in my life. i am questioning everything.
But I listened to my sponsor today and it ACTUALLY helped!! Just the whole writing thing is still hard for me. I guess I don't want these feelings to be real and to be on paper. It makes it real enough and it are things you don't want to acknowledge.
Plus I am making every effort to make friends. Maybe it isn't them, but it is me. -See I am over analyzing things.
I really like this MB and will be hanging around here.
This has helped so much.
PS: I am totally irish!!
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Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.
I've often felt that way. My disease loves to try all kinds of angles to isolate me. Sometimes I don't feel "a part of" anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in... that nobody cares if I'm there or not. But its not true.
I know from personal experience what happens when you don't go to meetings... I don't know what will happen to you if you stop going, but if I stop going I will get really crazy, and then sooner or later, I will get high.
As far as your Sponsor is concerned... I suggest that you talk to her about it. If the two of you can't work something out, then it might be best to find another Sponsor.
Let us know how it works out for you.
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I may not be 'All That', but I'm always on my mind!
I know how you feel. I can be on the phone with my sponsor completely in tears over something and she come out of nowhere with how's your step or when's the last meeting you made. I just remind myself that I believe to my core that my sponosr has only my best interest at heart. I believe she wants me to only be happy, safe and clean because she loves me. Since I have come to that wawreness I simply just do whatever she tells me because I trust her. Before I had learned to trust her I simply took her suggestions beause I like what she had and she told me she did it. More like blind faith but that's just what we have to go sometimes. I am also fortunate to live in a very NA populated area. When I go to a meeting and the personalities get to me I simply just choose to make a different meeting the next time. Eventually I found addicts like me and a home where I fit in. This morning at my homegroup I had an addict tell me I scare the hell outof them sometimes becasue I am so honest and opionionated. She then asked me to show her how to be that way. Everyone has a place in NA. Sometimes we just have to look for the place we fit the best, like a home group. I would suggest that if you don't like the people or locations of your meetings you start a new one. I get pissed off, I do it well. Just keep coming back even when you don't want to. Hope some of that helped.
