Hi!!!! this is my first post here and Im hoping to God I can relate here because I am sick. sick sick sick/ and I need to go back to living the na way!!!

First, please!!! any newcomer, those of you who have just decided you have had enough-dont take all the cute little things that are repeated over and over as just something that sounds cute!! It means something, and is said for a reason. I had to learn that the hard way, and now I have made myself sick by taking it all too lightly!!!

My quick backround(quick as I can) On opiates for over 20 years, tried like everyone else to bargain w myself, cut back, change to something "lightr" and all the things we all try before we have had enough. I had a head on collission in 07 which left me with a permanately damaged and chronically painful right foot. broke in 74 pieces. i lost everything;My husband,my kids, my house, and 90% of my belongings.
I , for all the right reasons this time, went into rehab for the 3rd time. It was finally a success. I go to meeting 5 times a week, get real with myself and start actually living a decent life. 2 years have past since then and I wish to God I could tell you all that I am still working my program and living a full life...........but i am not and I need help. Maybe even worse than i needed it before.

I knew what to do, I knew the program....but I it took it all too lightly and it being as cunning and powerful as was taught to me, came back to destroy me again!
It started slowly..... I got into a relationship (who is now my husband) only a little over a year clean. My sponsor advised me against it, but told me it was my decision and she was not going to chastise me for falling in love. ok. Now as you could predict, I stopped going to my usual 6 meetings a week and went to only 2 or 3.....I then just stopped putting my recovery first because i so many other things to do!!! l!I  was still clean! So I am "fine" in my book!!! I go on to get my 2 year keychain and chip and think im on top of the world....but i wasnt being honest!!! Not being honest led me to start picking up some of my old habits/.....the little white lies I to;d my husband....the periotic rounds of isolation where there would be days I just didnt answer the phone ro deal with life. still clean. I was okay.......so I told myself.
another month ,2,3 go by and other things start creaping in ....living completely in my own little world where I seperate from my hubby and live a parralel life, an old habit I formed while in full blown addiction/ still I thought if i hadnt used yet  so yeah "i was fine. " Then the gambling started, and hasnt fully stopped YET! tHEN THE guilt and shame from feeling every bit as selfish,horrible and just an evil worthless person as  I ever had the first 20 years prompted me to feel the need to stop the pain. So now Im back to square one. with the benefit of 2 years clean time.
Itdoesnt help.It  actually makes me feel worse because this time I KNEW HOW TO STOP IT. 
***********************                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               ( I do take meds for a chronic nerve pain and other conditions ,from an addictionologist ,  that I DID take as prescribed until i lost my recovery-thats a touchy subject and will only drive me back out if im judged for it so please please save it for another thread! It did not make me lose my recovery , I did! with my laziness and indifference to actually working the program!!!)

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So here I am again. Married to a wonderful man this time who just wants the woman he met back.and boy do I want her too!!! The woman who was so spiritual i never let him get negative because it was all in GODS  hands.....the woman who could go day to day actually living WITH him in his world instead of off in her own little world. I want her back!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive come here to try and jumpstart me back into living the NA way. i know what has to be done.!)  1  start over from step one, working my steps every day with my sponsor. 2) hit my knees every day3) MEETINGS starting out with 90 in 90 as my sponsor suggested*-and take all of her suggestions and be willing to live by them*  4) talk to another addict evry day 5) read the big book!!These are not exact because my memory is a little foggier than a "normal " person my age (42!) and I am aware that  it has never been known that someone doing all of these things has ever relapsed!!

So there it is. I am still wanting to gamble.....I am still wanting to numb myself but I have one thing going for me. I know this works and all I have to do is work it to come out back on the other side of this.........


thanks for listening