a new baby?

LizC · Senior Member

a new baby?

Raman · Guru

Hi Liz.
I believe the best revenge you cantake is to stay clean and serene , just for today !
Ive found in my recovery that no one who is hateful and ludicrous ever stays in my life, they rae just passing clouds !
Happy and contented 24 hours !

LeeU · Guru

I agree with Raman...for my sanity and sobriety when I could do no better (too toxic, not safe, and not willing anyway)...I just fired 'em all. I made amends first, for my wrongs and harmful/hurtful behavior, but also made it clear I had to sever certain relationships to maintain my own life. Its called letting go, with love.

I enjoyed years of peace and quiet after cutting them out of my life...but eventually I also came to see that SOME of the various estrangements were not in keeping with my evolving maturity in recovery and I made some changes that I am grateful for today. But this was over a 20 year span!

I learned that before I could really live I had to learn how to survive, but in a very different way than I was already surviving "street style"...fueled by anger, fear, flight and fight. My new way of surviving meant a total focus on my restoration to sanity and healthmy whole person physical, mental, emotional, volitional (will), social, and spiritual. (see file)

Then, as my Self began to become the center of my life as a spiritual being, and all areas of my life began to come into balance around my centered, sober, self, I began to live more than just survive. Today, I thrive. But that doesnt mean I dont get kicked in the teeth periodically and react instead of respond. I tend to hunker down-or lash out-go right back into the old survivor mode. When I do, those are the times I have to really be vigilant and use all the tools in the tool box, given freely in this fellowship. Its all about BALANCE.

oniongirl82 · Veteran Member

Hi Family,
I remember being in treatment and having visits from my crazy family. I have a family full of addictions. I have two younger sisters, one by 14 months and the other by ten years. When I got clean my relationships with them were severly damaged. All my relationships were damaged or destroyed. I am grateful to say that through working the steps, having a home group and making meetings most of those relations have been repaired. As I changed so did they, to an extend. My family hasn't as a whole given up their addictions. Some have progressed. However my reactions to all of them have changed therefore our relationships have changed. I am very close to my sisters now but it took time. No matter what I would suggest doing your best to form a relationship with the child born today. Congratulations on becoming an aunt. I have two nieces I have been able to show only my recovery to. I live my amends to my sisiter via my nieces. I remember my part and not theirs. I hope some of this helps.
Hugs,
Jackie

Raman · Guru

I relate to the sibling issues Jackie, thanks.

Thanks for the Wheel Lee, a succinct schematic of an entire gamut of knowledge.
And thanks very much for sharing about letting go with love, I needed to hear that, as of now.

vanleer · Veteran Member

You can choose your friends............unfortunately not your family.

Raman · Guru

Yes, that is true vanleer, what a truly wonderful insight !

However i can choose to accept my family as they are, and love them for what they are; if only to surive in recovery and later grow emotionall !

DeanC · Guru

hey Liz,

in ACOA they have a concept called "divorcing your parents". Meaning firing them for good in that you set a verbal and/or geographical boundary between you and them. This puts the recovering person on the path to "become their own loving parent" as they take over the position through self parenting.

I took this to another level and limited my exposure to my whole family for the first couple years of my recovery as they were toxic to my recovery. I suggest that you consider staying away from yours for awhile, they seem to be a trigger for anger for you. part of recovery is learning to stay away from people, places, and things that have a negative influence on you until you learn how to defuse those situations. It takes many of us years and years to learn how not to react at family reunions/functions when the same old **** happens. I just smile and say something like "unbelievable, I'll bet that 20 years from now you'll be still be spewing the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but somehow it never gets old for you. How do you do it?"

-- Edited by DeanC on Monday 10th of August 2009 08:26:09 PM

LizC · Senior Member

thanks everyone. i try to limit my exposture to my family but they dont get it. ive been thinking a lot lately. i know thats bad. but i have and i was happier when i was using. ever since i've been trying to get clean lets see ive almost killed myself. im depressed. i cant sleep. i havent eaten in a few days. i was in a coma. etc etc. i know think of my clean time think of how much ive accomplished but it doesnt matter to me. i mean i can use and then be clean for a month. and thats an accomplishment for me. i mean what am i supposed to do?

oniongirl82 · Veteran Member

Your story is similar to a lot of addicts, mine included. I remember how much it hurt at first to be clean. I used to wonder if it would ever stop. At first I thought that being clean was always going to feel like that. Over time the pain, both physical and emotional did subside. I began to find hope when I started ot listen to more experienced addicts in recovery. I would share at meetings things I thought in my head and wait for people to tell me I was crazy. Then after the meeting people would come up to me and tell me they understood. Eventually I stopped feeling so crazy and it wan't as hard to stay clean. I was always able to get 30 days but like you I would just give up and get high because I didn't know what else to do. This time I learned to work the program. I got a sponsor and called her evryday, usually several times a day. I went to meetings everyday, two or three if I could get there. I had a a home group that I showed up to every week at least an hour early to help prepare for the meeting. I started sharing at meetings I went to. I went to dinners after meetings. Eventually I became the addict asking everyone to come to the dinner with me. When I had enough clean time (about six months clean) I got involved in service on an area level. Little by little it stopped hurting. Each thing I did for my recovery that was suggested seemed to make it hurt less and less. I didn't know that when I showed up to that Firday night meeting and said I wanted to be done using out loud to another addict that would be the last time I would ever say "I just relasped again". Just for today. I know it hurts now. Just hang on. No matter what don't get high. The pain will go away i you just don't use.
Hugs
Jackie

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