I came here because, why not? I feel alone so much I haven't been doing well, and the clock is ticking, I'm just waiting...and of course the Cycle is always in motion..Right now at this moment, the direction it happens to be going in is the downward one... at this ridiculous hour of 5:30AM, when so many are sleeping, I wish I could but instead I'm tossing and turning, feeling feverish and frostbitten all at once, wishing for the words I wish to hear, and praying for tomorrow...for me and those I love.
AHHH! Another mystery of "recovery"...keep comin back so we can get it..I turned my monitor upside down but still couldnt get.'ll keep comin..peace mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I want to kick dope... I do. I did. I relapsed after a few months out of treatment and went back to the Live the Same Old Game. I am so sick I feel I can't do this without help...and that is what happened the first time I got clean. I had the Wonder Drug, Suboxone..but it got taken away from me. I was on a pretty high dose because of my into nothing, no warning, they took it from me..So then medication I received in treatment, I went into the Worst withdraws I ever had in life, worse than the withdraws I had coming off the dope. I begged and pleaded, cried and wailed..I didn't last long..feeling that dead sweat in my teeth..freezing in my bones..or in my heart so hollow..but im back to ground zero and its harder than ever...but I'm hopeful... and looking for a life preserver to get me out of this water and into the boat...
Suboxone withdrawals rocked me worse than dope, I also was thrown off it at a high dose and relapsed. It's amazing how so many of us addicts basically go through the same things. It's a reassuring thought, because we can know that we aren't alone, and can understand each other on a deeper level.
It's good that you said you're hopeful, because all you need in a tiny bit of hope to get through anything. It's a matter of taking care of it, nurturing it.. kinda like a seed. A tiny little seed that if you take care to plant it well, water it..etc.. it sprouts into a big tree. So yeah, water your hope..
That's a pretty dumb metaphor I know, but visualizations like that help me out, hopefully they help you too.
gOOD MORNING! im goin out with my son ,also a recovering heroin addict, to do paperroute .he is on 12 mg's of suboxene.he been back out of jail now for about 7 months.he is 24 ,was strung out for a few years.he also got sick from withdrawal but his dose wasnt that high.hang in there ,like scott said at least you see some hope.Stick with it ,wishing you strength.are you still in rehab now??its ridiculously early here also.how could anyone want a night time paperroute.cause he cant sleep(know the feeling)like a vampire up all night sleep all day..talk to you on the rebound.peace mike f
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
To the guy who put the peices of my puzzle together to realize what my name is, congratulations - A Plus...but could you please delete that post? I wish to be anonymous or I would have just used my real name as my user name...thanks..
Scott -- I appreciate your wisdom and I know where I am and where I want to be and i just am not quite sure how to get there yet, only that I will...
...I hope
But sometimes (more often lately) I feel like it may be stronger than me.
I was doing well on the Subs but that is just another somethin' to take to feel normal...but being kicked off it at a high dose, that's whats I let cause my relapse for sure, but I want to get back on the subs and do it right this time, I'm just afraid of what will happen when I stop taking those...It's a catch-22 in some ways. How long were you in relapse? did you get back on the subs to get back on your feet again?
Hi Mikee- I'm sorry - I guess I didn't exactly use the most discreet name, but I got a little freaked out when I saw that because there are people out there that I don't want knowing my biz and the internet is famous for exploitation.. Anyways, thanks for the support and words of encouragement. Cheers
Hey wackie jilson!! understand where you comin from,i got this "scrabbled word thing"from the papers I read and saw it right away."lonely teardrops" from my era hit single by the same.wishing you peace my man.i'll delete that part..and we'll do it again!! mikef
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hey WackieJilson I tried to delete my post 'DIVULGING YOUR NAME BUT MY MACHINE SAID NOT ALLOWED TO DO THE ACTION..anyone know how to delete posrs?i clicked on more "it said delete,i did ,it didnt??anyway mikef
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Well when I had been pulled off subs and relapsed it was thankfully a short period of two weeks, I'm sure you are aware of the incredibly, painfully long half-life of suboxone, that makes the withdrawal so long, well I kept doing more and more dope but I didn't feel much of anything because I still had subs in my system blocking the full effects of the heroin. It blocked well enough that after two weeks of wasted money and energy I was able to see the reality of the situation I was in and take the steps to end it before it got me back to where I was before.
I didn't use suboxone to get back on track, mainly because of the energy involved, and I was in no mood to walk the 5 miles to the clinic to make my case. Suboxone being long-acting caused a lot of problems for me, constant constipation. All opiates will constipate you, but subs for some reason did so worse, also I had zero appetite for the same reason. That said, suboxone is a GREAT tool for those in recovery that can benefit from it, but it isn't the only way to get clean.
So I have another visualization, it's actually a picture that was drawn for me a year or so ago by a friend when I was in a similar place as you. I made some skillful alterations to the stick-person's gender for you, haha:
So there is this big murky area between where we are, and where we want to be. We get discouraged fairly easily because we can't see the other side from our perspective. We know it's there because those that have crossed to the other side tell us so, and that it's possible for anyone who wants it. So you know the other side exists, that's the most important part. Some would say there is a definite method to crossing successfully to the other side, however, I believe that there are multiple ways, and different paths that work for different people.
It's easy to get lost in the middle and run back to the side you came from, but from what you've said I think that you can manage to muster the blind faith/hope required to cross over. Suboxone can sort of light the way for you, but it's imperative you address your emotions and put the work in, when I was on subs I just used it as a crutch, and stopped working on myself, that is the reason I got derailed when the suboxone was gone.
I hope this is making sense, and that I'm not rambling too badly. It's nearly 3 A.M. so I'm having trouble making my thoughts concise. I hope you keep us updated on your journey.
WJ, I didn't hear you say anything about NA meetings, using a sponsor, and working a program. Sounds like you're in "do it yourself" mode which rarely if ever works. The bottom line is that you are going to feel like **** for perhaps the better part of a year. The good news is that toward the end of that year, or sooner (of continuous clean time without other drugs to "help" you get over it) you're going to feel better than ever did, possible in your life. From there on (assuming that we stay clean) it get's better and better. Along the way, we learn that we are insane and that our disease ran our life. We have to learn Not to trust our own thoughts (Hey your best thinking got you here lol) and feelings early on and rely on the collective wisdom of the program and other recovering people that made it to where we want to go. We have to give up trying to manipulate life and the trick or treat/cons that goes with it. Getting clean and sober is a hard thing to do, and only 1 out of 20 make it. You gotta ask yourself (do you feel lucky lol) "Am I working hard enough on my addiction to Be that 1 out of 20?" and "What did those other 1 out of 20 people do to make it"? This is program of duplication. "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.." The four biggest obstacles to getting clean are Youth, Health, Wealth, Brains, and Enablers. When the addict still has an abundant amount of any or all of these, he/she will avoid working a recovery program. That's why addicts aren't always ready to get clean. They think that they can go back to the way it used to be. You can't go back to Kansas. The essential assets to working a program are Desperation and Willingness. I hope that you find them and hang on to them.
Dean
-- Edited by DeanC on Sunday 2nd of August 2009 07:12:06 AM
When I feel better, sure...yes...the program is the goal but right at this moment I'm in serious Detox. Comin off alot of dope...I'm sicker than i've ever been in my life, sick to my stomach, hot cold fever chills...sick!! I am not well yet but once it's been a few days (right now it's day 2) I'll get back on the program..it's these days in between..Hard.. I Know the words you speak are true. ... I just can't get up.
I didn't realize you were just in your second day of detoxing. I'm sure you know this already, but drinks lots of water, try to take a walk once a day, and eat lots of blueberries (It makes the difference). Don't forget that pain/unpleasantness is always temporary. Stay strong.
I have nothing but empathy for you right now, just hearing what your going through gives me flashbacks and I never ever want to go there again!!!!
Please hang in there!! There is an end , and a brighter world out there!
Are you doing this alone?
I was alone for the first few days and then put in rehab......
To me the key was just that.being thrown into the program immediately following the physical hell we go through....because then the mental hell starts and we as, addicts, cant be trusted with our own thoughts! If your alone right now please please find your nearest NA meeting and go right away!!! before your own thinking takes over!!
Good Luck, I know it doesnt mean much when your in so much physical anguish but our prayers and thoughts are with you!!!!
One more thing as I read the posts again that I have on my mind.....
SUBOXONE. To me if a person is truly working their program, this can be a godsend. I personally believe that if taken right, and your working hard on your steps.....there is nothing wrong with using it for what it was designed to do!!!! i honestly with all my heart believe that I couldnt have made it back to civilization with out it!( I do have chronic pain and see an addictionologist, but everyones situation is different)
From what i understand it was designed to stop the cravings for other drugs and wean your body back to normal. Yet so many people on these boards lay into people for using it as a crutch,and I have a problem with that. Everyone is different!!! If subs are helping that person live a full, spiritual and na life , instead of thinking about their drug of choice night and day and living the crazy and ugly lives we led...its a no brainer to me!
I am just stating an opinion here..... Its not really about subs or no subs- its about Working your program or not working your program.!
2nd Time, would you be a little more specific about your defense of the use of Suboxone? As in the duration of the time to take it during withdrawal/post withdrawal? I could see using it for 30 days on a declining scale to zero, but what I'm seeing is people taking it for up to and past a year and getting addicted to it. We've had several in here saying that kicking Subox was just as hard if not harder. Clean means Clean and if you're leaning on anything besides the program and your HP/sponsor/fellowship you're probably not getting real with what's eating you inside that requires medication daily. The proof is in the pudding, in that I've never heard of anyone with 5, 10, 20 years clean that's taking subox or methadone... How much time do you have now?
So about 20 minutes ago there I was, wide awake, a little bored, and feeling all 'carpal tunnelly' from playing smash hit on my phone when I decided to Google old friends that I lost touch with. After several minute of underwhelming entertainment, I decided to Google myself (let's be honest.. we've all done it at least once, right?)..Well nothing really caught my eye until this thread came up - 'feverish and frostbitten' -and it jarred my memory.I read this today and I hardly recognized the voice to be my own because I was in a really dark place back then and it now seems as if it was written a lifetime ago. Shortly after that I got clean and am happy to say that I have managed to stay that way. Anyways, I just wanted to check in and say thanks to everyone for all your words and support during that dark time. It really helped. Happy thanksgiving!
