Welll.. i really apologize because this is going to bounce back and forth from topic to topic and might be hard to follow. My name is Paul and I live in Pennsylvania. I was born in England on a U.S. air force base, and moved to North Carolina with my family when I was 2. When I was 5 years old my mom died in the middle of the night due to a "fatty liver" (i just found out what it was like a couple months ago). About half a year later my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia and very soon after passed away.
I was adopted and moved up to pennyslvania. My adoptive family is great sure.. they love me i guess. One thing is that I cannot talk to them about anything personal or any issue at all.. I just cant. My stepdad gave me a hug when he dropped me off at college for my first semester last january (that was the first hug he has given me in atleast 9 years.. whats up with that?) All throughout my life i've dealt with drug addictions and a couple suicide attempts involving pills. I have always suffered depression over what happened early in my childhood. My (now) family never had me talk to a counselor .. never got me any help back when I was 5. You would think that when both your parents pass away they would get some kind of counseling for me no? Maybe thats just how i think. But anyway i took a bunch of pills once and ended up passing out at a friends. They took me home and told my stepdad cuz they didnt know what happened. So basically my stepdad and grandmom caught me and i got talked to for a good couple days after that. I tried to bring up the fact that im always depressed and they said "you just want more pills". It definitely wasnt that..but now of course they have trust issues with me and stuff.
I take oxycodone .. i take xanax bars.. i drink.. i smoke.. (weed)..etc. I realized the other day that its pretty bad when I could find almost any drug just by looking in my cell phone. IDK im not looking for someone to come talk to me about religion (no offense I think religion is a wonderful thing.. its just not for me). I gave it a chance and truly wanted it to stick with me and stuff but it didnt. I guess i just sorta wanted to talk to some people who can truly relate. I love when friends will say "i know how you feel".. uh.. no you dont unless youve gone through everything ive gone through. zz. i dunno.
its just like.. if im ever NOT doing something.. my mind tries to find a way to get high (hate saying it like that but.. its the truth). its constantly on my mind.
yet again i am not sure what i hoped to get from posting this.. but here it is.
thanks for sharing all that. I can relate to quite a bit. My parents didn't die but they were dead to me. Both were alcoholics. Dad was always gone (Navy), mom was a psych patient and was passed out on the couch much of the time. Parents divorced when I was 8. I started using then. cigs and alcohol at 8, weed at 10, lsd at 13, coke at 15. In and out of court for various juvenile offenses. Never graduated HS. I don't know how I stayed out of jail. Went to AA meetings at 15, 16, 18... but didn't get serious about getting clean and sober till I was 27 (when my son was born). I regret not graduating and going to college. I certainly had the intelligence for it.
I agree that your step parents were irresponsible for not getting you some counseling after your parents died. Probably a few of things that they neglected to do. But you're an adult now and it's time to start taking care of yourself and right some of the wrongs. Take it on faith from me that you have to get clean and sober before you can work on these issues from your childhood. And if you don't, this stuff will eat you up and haunt you the rest of your life. All the things that you'll want to do (career, family,) normal life in general will be much easier if you work on this stuff now. Don't wast 10 years like I did. I'm 49 now and could be retired and very wealthy by now instead of working hard to catch up for time lost.
Stick around tell us more about your college life etc...
WELCOME adroit! mikef here. thanks for sharing ,it will help you see and hear whats on your mind..i see you are a little younger than my son(24) who is in abstinence from heroin addiction(23 months) but hasnt completely surrendered(believes he can smoke /drink but not use drug of choice)we each are responsible for our own recovery.it is good to see you getting started here early so you dont have to spend next 25 -30 years of your life trying to beat the battle of "addiction"(took me 25 years to surrender) im just about 62 years old now and am very active in NA even after 25 years of "clean time" big difference though between recovery and abstinence we cant get that twisted...have you tried attending any programs ?? my son also is diagnosed from a bid in Daytop therapuetic community with 'ANTI- SOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER. mkaes him feel like stealing ,breaking rules etc. just to see if he can do it..it is a debilitating sickness and very difficult to get help for(sociopathic tendencies)....he is also dealing with intense OCD issues ,depression etc.much of his use was self medicating to help himself lose some of the feelings he has......you do have to be careful though with all the diagnoses that medical field will attach and guinea pig you with..keep coming back ,share what you can here and look around the site for "suggestions" others may have put out to help those still sick and suffering that may have helped them.....try and stay in the day(hour or minute)so it doesnt seem so daunting trying to project and worry over what already happened or hasnt happened yet...hope to hear from you again peace mikef.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
hey, paul, nice to meet you. just readin' these posts, listening to music and well, i dunno... at least you're honest. i'm sorry you didn't get enough of what we all need while you were growing up. Oh i know, you'd think somebody would have been savvy enough to get some real help for you when necessary? Damn shame for real.
i feel like i know how you feel. hey, like, is it any wonder we turn to drugs to get feelings of love and well being? you don't have to hurt like that anymore. what i've found is that i can fill my needs, i don't have to have anybody's permission :woot:
i looked for love in all the wrong places now, i spend time with people trying to stay clean, at least they act like they care, about themselves, about me, about a higher power
There's something that's been on my mind for some time...true force
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the idea's been growing on my mind for some time...true force
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hey, paul, nice to meet you. 
just readin' these posts, listening to music and well, i dunno...
Damn shame for real. 
how do i make a thread? 
