Hi and welcome Robert.


I see myself at times like a man wadding across a river holding a giant rock on my shoulder, as I go further along the water rises and gets to a point where its lapping at my chin splashing in my mouth. I either drop that boulder or drown I have to make a decision to turn around or let it go, which would you do?


-- Edited by BigV on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 09:39:24 AM

Hey Robert, welcome to the board.

That's more than one resentment. Working steps 4-9 with a good sponsor is the answer. One thing that got my attention was John Bradshaw's mention of how we can get addicted to Emotions and Feelings of shame, remorse, guilt, anger, sorrow, greif.... because of the strong chemicals that these feelings cause our brain to release into our body. These chemicals dopamine, serotonin, addreneline... are much stronger than the drugs that we took. This is the mechanics behind what is said to be "Your disease talking or setting you up" or "a dry drunk". Think about it. Are you just using these people, places, and things, for an excuse to go on a trip inside your own head?

We have a choice on how we deal with feelings. Feelings are NOT facts. When we have a feeling we need to pause and understand what is Triggering this feeling, and not react to it. There is a trail to the past which is a very valuable tool in defusing the bomb that is our emotional makeup, but we can't do this if we Blow Up in the process.


Dean

-- Edited by DeanC on Wednesday 1st of July 2009 09:09:20 AM

Hi Sweetie!
What I've learned about my own resentments are that they are like big heavy trophies I carry around to prove to myself and others what a victim I've been.
I don't choose to be a victim today. I deal with those resentments based on my childhood, where I may have truly been a victim, with acceptance. It was what it was and I don't have to be that child anymore. After I became an adult, I became a volunteer, not a victim. It's much healthier for me to look at MY part in things that have happened in my life as I can't do anything about anyone else's part. When I can learn to forgive myself, it is easier to forgive others and that is so liberating! {{{hugs}}}

hi new person,  it works but i had to continually pray it..
 page 552 in the big book of alcoholics anonymous,
in a story callled freedom from bondage;
a woman talks about a resentment that caused her
great pain for many years...
you pray for the person even if you don't mean it...
pray your butt off... just look it up for yourself
you will totally see what i mean...

resentments can make us feel dead, and some of us
it's caused us to use because the pain...

-- Edited by rumblefish on Sunday 5th of July 2009 06:46:33 AM

Thanks for sharing that resentment about your mother.
It reminds me that I am still working on a resentment that I worked on many years ago.
I was ok with ma till one day I came back home after a terrible incident.
I remember that morning=
I come nti the house and see Pa and Ma chatting.
I then tell them what happened.
My father says " Oh no " and makes a gesture to console me.
Then I look at ma and she says
"It must have been your fault"

And I had a thgought
"you fucking cruel bitch, I hate you".
I felt a terrible shock and hate for her.

From then on began a very hate filled relationship with my mother.
All I wanted was some genuine motherly attention and some care and consoling.
What kind of person will see her child abused and hurt like this and say something stupid like
"It's must have been your fault". Many tiume shave I noticed a smile on her face when Id say I was hurt or had suffered a loss or was in pain.
Some time in my early childhood, I must have decided she was worth hating.
Ive abused her many times after that, without actually knowing why I did it.
Later on in the inventory, I realized that this had become a subconcious thing.
Id come to believ that my mother was a demonaic person who was "competing" with me for some reason, tryng to prove me wrong.

Maybe my summation was right, maybe it was not, but I was the suffering one and whenever I had a chance I tried to inflict suffering on her. I suceeded many times, but later on I would feel a terrible remorse.

I wanted to be emotionally detached from my mother because I felt like she was pressing buttons of anger and rage on purpose; that she came from a raged out family did not help.

My staying out late even when not doing anything like a party or show were a result of not being comfortable at home, In fact, even when I was much younger, my mother never facilitated a dialogue and sharing of feelings and thoughts and working on constructive actions. Simle things like chores were never given to me, why I dont know.
I fely very excluded and took this attitiude around with me everywhere I went.

To this day, when I am around mother, there is always that dreadful tension in the air .
My discomfort and fear areactivated when I am around her.
And for the past 10 years, she has been mother to my daughter too.
The wife Id married was another of those I could not connect with emotionally. We seperated after five years of misery and my mother has been looking after my girl.
So I had to get down to brass tacks and understand that ma is not a recovering addict, she dosent have to be spiritual, which to me means she never will be honest as we understand.
Most probably her quarrelsomeness, her aggrevation of minor issues and her overly controlling nature will at best go with her when she dies.
Obviously till then I will have to put up with it.
So though I may not be fully free of resentment for her, I know that I can however be free of hate for her by giving her ove and caring like I do now and have been doing fior many years.