so I'm hurting from the loss of my friend, and he keeps coming to me in my dreams and leaving messages for me...........That's one thing in my mind, the other is the fact that my other friend who used with him his last day, is choosing to use a lot more and I'm watching her die.......... I am helpless in this situation because if she does not want to recover no one can make her. It's a very hard thing to accept. Another thing on my mind is that over the past 2 months i've noticed that my mental health issues are flaring up. I've been having more intrusive thoughts of self harm lately, and though i've been obstaining from it I'm wondering when this shall pass. Unfortunately my sponsor is going through her own stuff and is not really emotionally available to me. I would inform my mental health worker on these thoughts but i'm scared she might have me commited again, and right now in my life i do not have the time to be locked up in a pscyh ward. So what shall i do...... what i am doing is praying, and writting, going to a lot of meeting and keep pushing forward... but at the end of the day I'm scared, but i know that i will not use... thank god this program has taught me to just not do anything when i want to do things that are unhealthy.....
well i just needed to vent this somewhere and it seems a little more sorted in my head
thanks
andrea
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people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
hello andrea..mikef here.. stay close to the fellowship and keep talking about whats going on..i also spent time in a psych ward and was the most fearful time of my life.realizing that using just adds the dimension of devastation to already "trying times" is the best thing to remember.keep comin back here also, I would believe most here have shared the fears,anxieties and funks we all get in from time to time..keep sharing your feelings ,thats how it works for us. I will pray that you make the right decision about talking with your mental health worker though,for your own sake.although we put our trust in our higher power and follow the steps of the program and work the process, I do believe that people are put in your life from that God of your understanding for your help..I wish you peace and will check back see how your doin..peace....... .
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
OK-I'll share. I have recurrent suicide ideation as part of my mental health issues. In addition to AA/NA and an active recovery/support/spiritual program, I've learned to request either a medication change or a medication adjustment, and for me that has worked. Especially if I don't wait too long before dealing with it.
I am in a location where I can get to a DRA (Dual Recovery Anonymous) 12 step meeting and a local Peer Support Agency, which is one place where it is safe to talk about suicidal thoughts/feelings without fear of "the system". I also stay well informed about my rights, those within whatever agency I may be involved with as well as state laws and ADA rights.
Because I know my rights I have been able get my treatment plan changed to suit my goals and get a change of staff when that was in my best interest. Laws differ in different countries, but there's usually some type of Disability Rights Center that has info on how to get appropriate help and to avoid hospitalization. Hope it's OK to share this here---assume Vinnie will let me know if it is not :)
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
thanks for the advice.... i guess i probably should talk to my worker and talk about going back on meds again... lol i just hate taking pills everyday (i never thought i'd say that one)
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people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind- Dr. Seuss
I had a good friend like a brother many years back met him in treatment then afterwards saw him at meetings he'd even pick me up in between my relapses.
We became very close his name was Loco Johnny he was an absolute nutcase and fun to be around at least for me, he kept me smiling and gave me hope.
He ended up moving away came by before he left to let me know and gave me a big hug and I remember kinda pulling out of that hug, which left me feelinging guilty after I heard he had died fron an over dose.
Well his memory/spirit haunted me for a long time when ever i was down an out I would hear that damn crazy ass laugh of his and my spirits would rise and a grin would show up on my face and tears came to my eyes because i missed my friend.
So something happened with all of that after my last relapse I guess I realized that some part of that wasn't healthy for me, i'm still not sure what it is maybe the guilt is gone and i'm greatful that I didn't kill myself with that last relapse the way Johnny did, maybe I dont need to rely on his memory or hear that laugh to get me through rough times maybe my dependance goes to a higher power today I honestly do not know YET.
Johny love me I know that much he gave back to me an many others what he had I just wish he had hung onto what he loved and that was his clean time but there was something in him that he could not accept and that was a woman who he loved and had a child with who wanted nothing to do with him, she could never stay clean and this relationship drove him away and the lack of acceptance probably drove him to using .
We are powerless over people places things and situations, some things we just have to turn over and let go of, we leave claw marks in many things , in the end those things go anyhow and we're powerless over there leaving, all we can do is find some sort of piece with it all and life on it's terms.
THanks for sharing and hope your taking what the program teachs to heart with this situation, God Bless
It's obvious that you're embellishing the passing of your friend. Grief, like everything else, has a beginning middle and an end. The sooner that we get to that end the better. As far as the friend of the friend (who's using) goes, why are you caught up in that melodrama? Cant' you see that this concern about someone else's using weighs heavily on your recovery and your sanity? Negative crap like this can bring an emotionally/mentally stable person down, so it's down right deadly for you to get caught up in this stuff that's essentially none of your business. If he/she want to use, then so be it.
Only 1 in 20 is going to get clean and you're going to have to step over a lot of dead and dying bodies to get clean. These odds are seven times as steep as those that successfully climb Mount Everast face, where 1 out of 3 people make it. Best advise is to stick with the winners and let the others go. This is a program for people Who want it!, Not a program for people who need it. Sounds cold and hard but it's absolutely true. You can't want it for others, only for yourself. Doesn't mean that you can't make Some of your time available to people who are actively working to get and stay clean. Believe me, going to meetings daily, working the program and learning to have a well balanced life doesn't leave much time for greiving and care giving for people that decided that they didn't want this way of life. If we are spending more than a little bit of time on this, then we are neglecting ourselves plain and simple. It's serves as a distraction so that we don't have to work on ourselves and the measuring stick is that we surround ourselves with people that aren't doing as well as we are, instead of people who are already where we want to me ("they have what we want..."). As we implode from this old behavior, we have to constantly lower our peer group so that we can maintain our status as "not as sick". Think about it. On the other hand, get busy and stop thinking so much.
-- Edited by DeanC on Sunday 7th of June 2009 09:41:08 AM
