IT GIVES ME HOPE IT GIVES ME TOOLS TO WORK THROUGH MY TROUBLED UNMANAGEABLE LIFE, without that I would be getting loaded.
Today with tears rolling down my face once again failing acting out running my stoopid mouth and hurting others, I'm so pissed at myself for continuously hurting other people in turn hurting myself, what a loser!!!
Again the old thoughts come JUST GET LOADED YOUR WQRTHLESS, I laughed this time walking by the bottles of booze yeah i walked by you last time and picked you up and took you home and filled myself with your misery filling that hole of grief and powerlessness .
Well I am not powerless this time, I am an addict but not without choices today not without hope and not without knowing whats going on inside and that's because of this program teaching me showing me another way out .
That's my spew for today, yeah old ways that are hard to rework are difficult I keep taking them back over and over again but pain is the threshold to my spiritual growth unfortunately there are others involved so it doubles responsibilty to work on this which make getting this changed mandatory.
Just have to keep working using preventative measures, far from perfect never will be will always make mistakes but I hope we can all learn I hope i can.
Blessings.
One last thing other people are going to hurt us, I know I have a tendency to hurt back and that is so unspiritual for me I have to learn how to be spiritual ESPECIALLY when others are hurting me, like someone who was killed on a cross who still loved those people who were KILLING HIM thats spirituality beyond my understanding.
-- Edited by BigV on Monday 25th of May 2009 10:22:19 AM
Hey Vinny, when I find myself starting to get pissed about others actions, I stop myself and say one of a few things: "it's human nature to act selfishly", "they weren't thinking...", "they can't help acting the way they do, they just weren't raised right"...
Each statement assumes acceptance, gives the other the benefit of the doubt, removes personal intent ie: "they weren't consiously thinking about trying to hurt me". Usually others are so self centered that they really didn't have time to consider you, they were just trying to get something for themselves. That's just what most human people do, it's human nature, get used to it. Set boundaries in a civil manner and take care of yourself. Live in the solution instead of the problem.
Dean
-- Edited by DeanC on Monday 25th of May 2009 01:24:31 PM
Dean I saw it vaguely what was going on the self centeredness in her and in me that really made me angry but mostly hurt, I was also left wondering if something else wasn't going on my imagination ran WILD and I ran with those thoughts and that was a bad move it intensified my hurt and anger the results were really bad.
So I'll keep all this in mind there will be a next time I am just going to have to check my reaction, actions and motives like the 10th step mentions, STOP - THINK- DO NOT REACT.
BigV, If you'll allow me. It sounds like a classic case of victimizing yourself. I know this from lots of personal experience and watching my mother. And a victim has to have guess what? A villain. It's a pattern that we get into, probably learn from one of our parents . There is a whole blame game involved and someone's gonna pay! Once we realize that we're automatically going there, it's easier to spot and stop.
Low self esteem and low self worth too probably, I always expect to be cheated on and guess what ITS NEVER HAPPENED.
I am definetly a blamer and I try really hard these days to take responsibilty BUT auto response is to blame so maybe your right but it's not quite clicking right now I'kk have ot think on this and find some examples in my past, thanks Bruh.
You guys been recovering longer than me. But for me my first thought. My first impulse or my first reaction is as an addict. If I work off pure instinct its most likely to come out bad because thats what I do. Thats what an addict does. At least I did. I have to force myself to take a minute . It has to be a decision to take that minute and wait for my second or third thought before acting or responding. Its tough to do. Habit wants the wheel. Im just beginning to realize that if I want HP at the wheel , I have to make some serious changes to my soul. To my being. Does that make any sense ? My initial instinct is to react like an addict. Thats gotta go.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
Thats makes sense and so does todays Though for the day Anthony, goes right along with what you said,
Meeting the day's challenge
Page 153
". . . The decision to ask for God's help is our greatest source of strength and courage."
Basic Text, p. 26
A challenge is anything that dares us to succeed. Things new and unfamiliar serve as challenges, whether those things appear good or bad to us. We are challenged by obstacles and opposition from within ourselves and from without. New and difficult things, obstacles and opposition, all are a part of "life on life's terms:' Living clean means learning to meet challenge.
Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, took drugs to avoid meeting challenge. Many of us were equally afraid of failure and success. Each time we declined the day's challenge, we suffered a loss of self-esteem. Some of us used drugs to mask the shame we felt. Each time we did that, we became even less able to meet our challenges and more likely to use.
By working the NA program, we've found the tools we need to successfully meet any challenge. We've come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, a Power that cares for our will and our lives. We've asked that Power to remove our character defects, those things that made our lives unmanageable. We've taken action to improve our conscious contact with that Higher Power. Through the steps, we've been given the ability to stop using drugs and start living.
Each day, we are faced with new challenges. And each day, through working our program of recovery, we are given the grace to meet those challenges.
Just for Today: I will ask my Higher Power to help me squarely meet today's challenge.
BigV sez "Well I am not powerless this time,...because of this program teaching me showing me another way out."
Then JFT sez "A challenge is anything that dares us to succeed. ... And each day, through working our program of recovery, we are given the grace to meet those challenges."
And Lee sez "How is it that every time I am dealing with some painful challenge that requires me to find another way out, rather than the old reactive addict way, I am given the grace to begin making the "soul change" that Anthony mentions. And the strength to not buy into the "victim-villian" dance that Dean mentions.
And then a series of NA shares that just hit the nail on the head! Whaddya you guys got...a crystal ball???! Just what I needed-thanks.
__________________
From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Damn Vin. We could jump in the misery boat together and just get F**ked up. Or we could just go fishin. We do have choices .
BigV sez "Well I am not powerless this time,...because of this program teaching me showing me another way out."
