When these feelings come, they come in a torrent. Im reffering to my feelings in context of the opportunities I missed in the past.
I was reading a book written by a photographer whose speciality it was to click celebrities, especially in music. All those big stars, did their drugs and partying and womenizing and got away with all that ! Seems like they were not disabled or handicapped by their drug use.
But there I was this afternoon, comparing that with whatt my life was an still is now, missed opportunities. Ive usually been one to act in haste and repent at leisure,,only now because of the intervention by 12 Steps, Im not depressed and anysadness for myself quickly passes.
Moreover, I many times have felt I lived in the wrong country and that may be right to a certain extent. However I now accept that addiction was responsible for the worst decisions in life.
I remember the time when I was asked to record a small piece of my sax music and send it t my aunt in New York, shed then do all she could to get me into a jazz program. At first it felt like a dream about to come true; but later the fear, the withdrawls and the very low self esteem put paid to any ambitions I may have had.
This program has given me wisdom to count my Blessings in these times of sadness, I have a lot to be greatful for.
Morover, Ive come to believe that rue ambition is not rying to be rich and famous and though in my mind id love to be, I know that regretting that I am not will not give me a solution.
thats why i think that true ambition is the sinciere desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the Grace Of God !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
That is awesome Raman thank you for sharing about that... I can totally relate. I am so grateful to be an addict. I can really say that now. Looking back at the consequences of my active addiction sometimes boggles the mind but it has led me to NA where not only do I enjoy the freedom from acceptance of powerlessness and the true love I experience from the fellowship, my children have a god-focused mom, my family has their daughter back, the list goes on and on.
But...
i too feel regret in a similar fashion.. I was born with a talent to sing.. i took voice lessons all growing up and dreamed of Broadway.. when I was 17 i auditioned for this school in New York that trains people for the stage. Very well-known and very expensive. There were auditons all over the country. i auditioned for experience never thinking I would actually get in.. I did. My mom and I were so excited. My dad was like "You are not going to that school. If you want to make it to Broadway you do it the hard way" See, my dad knew me. I was born with this disease folks and though I hadn't picked up a drug yet, i was sick in my disease. Unmotivated, entitled, me me me... I had resentments toward my parents for a long time over that....So what did I do? instead of enrolling in the theater or vocal program at ASU, i decided drugs were much more fun!! I'll show them!! I thought... I finally realize now that God's plan for me is better than what i think should happen or should have happened. Had I gone to New York I would have been gettin' high there....
"I want to wake up a city that doses'nt sleep, and find im king of the hill , top of the heap," sang a famous singer.
What allure,, what promises !!
Wow Allie,, I realyy thank you for sharing that ! I do feel your father did you an injustice,, but like you said, youd have been lost in NY !! And to think you won and could have built up a career !!Gosh does addiction keep us away from realizing our true potentials !!
My pop was very discouraging too,,,however I realize that if id actually gone to New york, I 'd most probably have landed up with a long term jail sentence.
Because I stayed in my city, by default,, no matter how many times the cops arrested me, i knew it was only an hour to freedom cause Id get them to ring Pa and Pa'd ask them to let me go.
My pop's good offices kept me out of jail,,Im greatful to his soul for that. and yes, Pa did hold those incidents against me for a long time in my recovery, until the time my behaviour began to change !!
Im glad I was able to make amends to Pa,, may his soul rest in peace !!
-- Edited by Raman on Friday 22nd of May 2009 04:45:27 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Curt Cobain comes to mind. 36 months before his death he was just a single guy with a hot little local band in seattle. Playing in dives that didnt open till midnight and served beer out of trash cans filled with ice. A troubled personality , a marraige , a child , and the band becomes a megaphone for a generation. Add in some dope and you have catastrophic failuer.
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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .
This day I played my sax for the Hare krishna gathering in Leeds, what a lift. Tho not religious, Ive played in many religious groups in recovery.
First was with THE FAMILY,, that music group was headed by Jeremy Spencer, the lead guitarist of Fleetwod Mac. The guy just picks me up from may other saxophonists he knows and I toured with him, the first time i actually saw music being used for charity in a big way.. covered all of India on his tour in 2002. Then I played in front of 1.2 million people live and and to about 20 million people worldwide when this famous American preacher came to town, Bangalore. That blew me all the way into the stratosphere ! In the meanwhile Ive been playing on the discs of many church set ups, social causes and now Im playing for the Hare Krishna,,,, This day was an awesome experience and when we took the streets chanting-singing,, many many many folks stod and watched or danced along ! Tho not religious, was an eye opener ! One of them is cutting an album and wants me to play on a few tracks !! And so my search carries on ! The 12 Step Force is Supreme,, this Program is Love Supreme because it has cultured open mindedness so I can enjoy the experiences others have to,, and Im not attached,,, just for today works there too !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Sometimes I wonder why I have to serve with complete newcomers to service and witness their aggrassiveness, pushiness, etc.
This day it happens in a PI meeting when this one guy kept on asking more questions than necessary, began to get pushy when disagreed with and that seems to have been the way all others in the meeting thought of this guys behaviour. There we are, cooperating with the chairman who has given us a vision and us trying to form an operations base to carry that plan out and we have this chap butting in on what logic God knows ! When things did not sort out I just did something that In know always works in these mad situations, walk out ! I saved myself a lot of useles arguement, cross talk and indiscipline. If I had stayed there and argues and engaged in a verbal duel, I may have been excused if I was a newcomer in service meetings . Having attended hundreds of service meeti9ngs, I know when it is wiser to just walk out !! That saved the day for my serenity !!¬Thank God !!¬
Thank Goodness that I know today that I do not have to participate in another persons insanity.
-- Edited by Raman on Tuesday 26th of May 2009 05:59:10 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
