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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> My name is Stevi & and I am crying as I write this.
Post Info TOPIC: My name is Stevi & and I am crying as I write this.
SteviWonderful


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My name is Stevi & and I am crying as I write this.
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Let me start off by saying I do not do drugs. I have experimented, but I have never had a drug problem. The man I fell in love with though, does.

 

When we met he was using heroin, methadone (110mg a day) and permathazine. For all I know, that wasnt it. The beginning of our relationship was rocky, we always made plans he never showed up. Every time, he said he fell asleep. I was so angry, but I couldnt let him go. His friend told me one day he was addicted to pain pills, and he needs help. I ask Dee, my boyfriend, and he came clean about it. He told me he wanted to be with me, and he was going to stop. Well, he quit doing heroin and cut down A LOT on the pills, except methadone everyday. We ended up moving away from his clinic, but he would drive there 6 days a week. He started disappearing whenever he went to dose. He also ended up getting arrested. We got in a big fight and he yelled Fine! I just wont dose anymore! Happy!? Honestly, I was. Now, I dont know what I was thinking when I thought he could stop doing methadone, heroin and other pain killers cold turkey. He is almost 25 years old, and has been using since he was 16.  I noticed he has been struggling lately, more then ever. He NEVER talks about his addiction. I found a couple suboxone in his pocket that he had bought from a friend. That really worried me, but he still refuses to talk to me. Today, I noticed he kept going to his trunk for a few minutes at a time. While he was in the shower, I went into his trunk. I found a baggy with about 15 dirty syringes. A couple prescription bottles with some old methadone in it and a bunch of little pieces of plastic with heroin residue. The whole thing made me so sick to my stomach. He insists they are old. But why still have them!? I dont get it. Maybe I am no supposed to. But, I told him today he NEEDS to open up to me. I am here, no matter what. We cannot afford rehab. He does not have insurance so he cannot seem to find affordable suboxone either, but I am thinking we need to hunt around and see what type of doctors and clinics take payments. Ahh, is there even such a thing?

 

We are going to our first meeting together on Saturday. I am really happy. Coming here and reading what is going on with other people, both who are struggling and doing well, really encourages me. It makes me feel good for him, to know he is not the only one.

 

I am not expecting any replies, but thank you everyone who is able to open up.

Thank you so much.



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DeanC


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Stevie,  are you a gambler? Obviously you are. Your friend has about a 1 in 20 chance to get clean IF he wants to and is willing to work hard at it, going to meetings daily for awhile and a lot more. Imo the chances are much slimmer with him being in a relationship. You can't want it for him more than he does. Honestly the best thing that you could do is leave and go make a life for yourself. Tell him to look you up when he has a year of uninterupted clean time and a recovery program. He may have another 10 to 30 years of using before he is ready and willing to get clean. I wish that I had something more hopeful to say, but I'm trying to save you a lot of time, heartache, and grief (and probably abuse). Sounds like he's just trying (and failing) to do it for you. That hardly ever works. You may also want to look into why it is that you are so attracted to a drug addict. This "relationship" had/has red flags from the very beginning yet you were drawn into it and it's been uphill the whole way yet you're more determined than ever to stay with. This guy is not your project, you are. Have a look here and see if you identify.

http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php

edited: sorry I  had the wrong link,  this one ^^^^ is a list of Codependent Characteristics from the Codependents Anonymous site. 




-- Edited by DeanC on Thursday 21st of May 2009 12:12:04 PM

-- Edited by DeanC on Friday 22nd of May 2009 12:48:34 AM

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AnthonyG


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Best of luck to you Stevi.
 
My keyboard has suffered buckets of tears since this journey started.  Im full of empathy for you.  Im clean nearly a year , My wife of 12 years is still using. 
  Deans response is right on the money.  Back in the day my parents used to have this orange crap they put on wounds. It stung like hell but I never got an infection.
Pain isnt always bad.

-- Edited by AnthonyG on Thursday 21st of May 2009 09:26:19 AM

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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .

                         Yasutani Roshi
zenmasterfiend


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Stevi..listen to what Dean said....he pretty much laid it out for you. Imo....if you choose to try to stick with the heartbreak than you too will need to work a program however your's will be at a meeting called NARANON. You will need a sponser and do pretty much the same work your boyfriend will if he is truly serious...I have my doubts though. Addiction is a family disease and you my dear are what is known as "co-dependent" ...you will need to find your own way....we have an old saying..."two sickies don't make a well'ie"

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SteviWonderful


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It isn't like we met and I knew right away. Months and months went by before he really admitted his problem. By then, I was already in love, and I wanted to stay that way. I know I can go make a life for myself and leave him. But for now, I do not want to. Our relationship itself, is wonderful. He is struggling right now, and that scares me, but it was of course expected. Like I said, I enjoy reading about other people, it help me. I am not looking for advice on what I should do about my life. Thank you though.

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SteviWonderful


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I really couldn't disagree more. I am very indepentdant. Again, I can easily leave but I do not want to, and I really do not see a need too. He does not bring me down, I just hope to see him get to where he deserves to be. I have no problem working the system with him. Anyways, I am at work hmm and must be going.

 

Btw, we cancelled our dinner plans tonight to go to a meeting instead :]

I am looking forward too it.



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AnthonyG


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De Nile aint a river in Egypt .



shhhhh  Ive waited since 83 to use that line.



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The fundamental delusion of humanity , is to suppose that I am here and you are out there .

                         Yasutani Roshi
DeanC


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Hi Stevie,
I didn't mean to offend. Of course you care that's why you came. Just wanted to give you something to think about coming from a few decades of experience on both sides of the fence. Neither you or your friend quite know what you're up against. If he has any reservations at all about the suggestions that he'll be hearing in meetings of the things he'll be required to do to get clean, then you should be concerned and consider what you heard here.

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dan h


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Kinda ironic how people come here sometimes seeking someone to co-sign their self-deception and denial rather than open their eyes and see what is right in front of them, then get defensive because they don't like what they hear....

The truth is that there are two ways to learn anything: We can listen to the voice of experience from those who have walked the path before, or we can go get our own experience. They both work equally well.....one is just a LOT less painful. Guess my only suggestion is to get used to the tears Ms. Wonderful, there's going to be a lot more of them.....

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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
DeanC


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good points dan. it's kind of hard to listen when a dysfunctional relationship is an addiction in and of itself.

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Deavon


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Thank you for the link ... being new to this site and this whole NA stuff (husband of 25 years is an addict), I need to see/read all I can ... Good news, I found you because he is determined to succeed in NA ... went to his first meeting 14 days ago has done at least one/day ... I am hopeful, but not entirely confident...

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DeanC


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Hi Deavon and welcome to the board. If you're talking about the link to Codependents anonymous, it's a great program, I went to meetings for about the first 4 years of my recovery and it helped tremendously.

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