i have a drug test on saturday and i hate to say it but i know for a fact im going to fail it. i know i have to put my recovery first before everything else but i can't do it. im giving up. i can't even think straight right now. i really need a meeting tonight but i got home late. and im stubborn to not go find a different one online except this one and there hasn't really been anyone in the room for a week or so. so screw it.
Not to sound callous, but then what? If I chose to use, I'd still have the same problems as before, but then I'd have a whole new set of problems to (not) deal with. Most of us know the whole "one is too many & a thousand is never enough". I try to remember exactly what a thousand looks like. It's me, combing through my carpet looking for something that was gone hours ago. It's me having knowing that I won't see my daughters again. It's just ugly. There aren't many people in the mtg room (though one other person signed out as soon as i got there). Feel free to PM me if you'd like (that is if pm exists here-I'm new to this site)
-- Edited by Senorrebo on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 10:11:50 PM
It's the consequences that bring the gifts of willingness and desperation. The second DUI and the thoughts of losing my job, and ability to have visitation with my son, and the death of my best using buddy that brought me around. What will it take to bring you around to making recovery your primary purpose?
The best way to make meetings is to plan to make them by making a weekly schedule on your calendar writing them down and looking at the calendar everyday in morning planning your day around the meetings.
Hello Senorrebo and welcome to the board. Please make an introductory thread so that you can get a proper introduction.
A very hard lesson Ive learnt in recovery= "I hate to say it, I hate to say it, it's probably me" (sting,,,1995 ?)
The words from that song struck me as true one day when I was wrestling with a terrible resentment ! I was disturbed,, then came he realization that each time I feel that disturbance, regardless of who or what I thought caused it,, my first priority is to quieten down,
Then the true nature of that disturbence comes forward,,, that theres something the matter with the way Im vewing things,,my attitude !
The best remedy Ive discovered for that disturbance, with input from Fellows,, is to adopt an attitude of gratitude !
A greatful heart cannot harbour any major, dangerous conceits !!! Platitudes ? No my dear Fellow NA,, just simplyfying my way to sustained Serenity and Quietness !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hi Liz...maybe rather than giving up, in your heart you really want to surrender and just don't know how. The guide for that is first found in steps 1-2-and 3. Surrender feels a lot like the feeling when giving up, except the release doesn't turn depressive and destructive, it becomes uplifting and hopeful.
Seems to me you have nothing to lose by just telling them up front that you used. If you're going to be discharged from treatment based on the positive, being honest won't make it any worse. But just maybe it will open a door for some dialogue and a chance to have something to say for yourself other than screw it.
This site isn't the only recovery site and I find people on pretty much 24-7, and I don't even do chat. Better tho, is to make the effort to get yourself to a live meeting. You have a lot of people caring and rooting for you, maybe it's time to give yourself a chance. There's plenty of time between now and Sat. to get yourself some face-to-face support in addition to here. {{{hug}}} (and I don't hug!! LOL)
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Hi Liz...maybe rather than giving up, in your heart you really want to surrender and just don't know how. The guide for that is first found in steps 1-2-and 3. Surrender feels a lot like the feeling when giving up, except the release doesn't turn depressive and destructive, it becomes uplifting and hopeful.
