I just read the post on the na member passing away after relapse. Really spoke to me. As Ive said in another post Im currently counting down off the methadone. I need to get real but I don't know how. I go to meetings almost everyday but I continue to misuse my methadone whilst kidding myself that I'm getting off. I recently seperated from a partner which has made things more raw. I have to realise my powerlessness over that too as I want to run to her all the time and beg her to take me back (I don't). Ive been through treatment, Ive been using opiates for 13-15 years. Im grateful that I have a job but I dread the weekends as Ive alienated all my friends and sit around watching tv feeling miserable. Something just wont click. I stopped smoking weed about 4 months ago but that wasn't that hard as it became totally unenjoyable. Constantlly think about suicide but never would as I'm totally afraid of whats on the other side of that so just live in emotional pain. My head never shuts the hell up, I wake up at night and away its goes chatter chatter. Ive been in and out of the rooms for awhile now and just wonder what its going to take to get real???? How many of you struggled and struggled before finally getting clean??
Hey Hemi! I can only speak for myself-yes, I struggled for a long time before getting clean. I honestly can't articulate what made me finally realize I'd had enough, it just couldn't fight anymore. I'd used for 23 years, and ran the gamut of 'drugs of choice'. All I can tell you is that this time I knew it was over. I had to completely surrender myself to recover. 28 day program, 11 months in a residential (which is actually only a 6 month facility), and by the grace of god I am still clean today. I also was an 'in & out' member. I guess I finally just hit the point that so many of us talk about where I was physically, emotionally, & spiritually bankrupt. The first couple of weeks were terrible, but at the same time I was really comforted & relieved to realize I didn't have to use any more. I still get the chatter at night, but with some good music I'm able to quiet myself enough to listen to my higher power talking to me, and I know everything will be ok. It sounds like you're taking a pretty big step toward getting real right now. My thoughts are with you. Steve
Hemi, It took me 2 years of relapsing while going to a few meetings, not using a sponsor, not sharing in meetings, not working the program, not engaging the fellowship, not doing service work, not reading the literature... before I got real about my not having a program of recovery. You have to work through this not think through it. Only 1 out of 20 stays clean. What are you doing that's better than the 19 that have to stay out there for you to get clean?
'lo If by "getting real" you mean getting honest, sounds like you are at least on your way. Getting off MMT is no easier, and often harder, than getting off any other drug. And many of us had little-to-none desire to actually quit!!!! Duh!!! A decision has to be made, or the drug'll make it for you. The first step helps us with that, when we are honest.
Strictly from the perspective of the treatment program, is anyone (a well-trained doc, a decent, knowledgible counselor etc.) actually earnestly working with you to help get you off the stuff? Or is it rubber-stamp, go to the window, here's your stuff, have a nice life? You have the right to have a treatment plan that is designed to get you what you want...have you made your wants known? And if you have not, maybe it's time to speak up. People don't die from meth withdrawal, they die from using.
Following an honest first step, comes the second step. Many of us try and run and hide from this one...it asks a lot of us. Maybe you are stuck there?
Alienated the friends? Make new ones in the program. And if those are the ones you've alienated, get one to tell you why. And if you already know why, then get honest about that and change what you can, make amends, ask for help, etc.
You say you've been "through" treatment...as in "just passing through"? Or is there anything from your treatment experience that you can look back on and pull into usefullness today? If it was any good, there should be something of value to help you now. Kinda what folks mean when they say "It works if you work it." Does that eliminate the struggle? Of course not...but it increases the odds of success.
Struggled and struggled. I consider myself to have a very high quality of clean time & sobriety. Twenty-six years of it. And in it, I have been suicidal, depressed, driven to distraction with nighttime head chatter, had bizarre using dreams for no apparent reason (years into recovery), suffered loss, sorrow, trauma, blah-blah-blah. So have many of us. It's not really "easy", ever, for most of us. That's for real.
And self-pity and isolation are real killers. My 2-cents worth is that what you are doing now, however big or small the effort, IS getting real, and will serve you well as long as you keep coming back.
For me, as much as I laughed at it and despised doing it, I finally had to admit that those blankety-blank relaxation & breathing excercises and much, much better nutrition really helped a lot, especially during the night. SO did/does vigorus excercise..has to do with the brain chemistry.
__________________
From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Hi Guys, thanks for your replys, really means alot. Well to answer a few of your questions. I did a residential treatment (3 months) in 2000 and came out clean and fairly happy but made the mistake of moving back to the place I had been previously living which had no NA meetings and on top of being unemployed well it didn't take long to relapse. To be completely honest and I'm sure you can relate. I don't actually want to stop using!!! Because up untill a while ago it served a purpose of sorts. The thing is I don't want to wake up in another 5-10 years and go "I'm still on the program, I'm still unhappy and things are still the same.". It's just that I can see that this isn't a life, I'm sleepwalking through life in a daze and totally over it. And yes Lee you are right I think that In struggle with the second and third steps. I believe in God, always have. I can't grasp the concept that this amazing world and all the incredible things in it came out of a cosmic mistake. The thing is I struggle with the concept of a 'kind and caring God", my parents wern't religious and we never went to church but my mother thought that I'd get a better education going to a religious school??? (Go figure) and so I went to a catholic school where all the teachers were nuns (you know they just wear those habits to hide the horns). And all I got from that was that God is a vengeful and jealous god. And on top of that around the age of 18/19 when my parents divorced I suddenly found myself surrounded by all these born again christians who constantly pressured me to "give my soul to Jeeeeeeassssus" or I would burn in the fire's of hell. Now I think that as I was very vunerable at the time and smoking tooo much weed it really did my head in. I try praying sometimes but I just feel weird when I do it. I'm starting to bore myself at meetings as I feel like I'm always saying the same thing "I'm on Methadone, I want to stop/get off but I also dont want to stop. Since I'm being totally honest here I only have to go to the chemist (pharmacy to you) three times a week and I get takeaways for the other 4 days. Every night before I'm going to go to the chemist I'll be awake in bed thinking "don't do it don't do it" but as soon as I'm up and have gone top the chemist I immediately go and inject the next days dose; so I'm up and down up and down. One day on one day off. I dont use anything on the other days whcih means I get no sleep and I get grouchy and well you get the picture. I keeep trying to build up the courage to go to the clinic and say I need to go in everyday and consume. In July they are going to start reducing me 3mgs a week (I'm on 58) so that has to happen before then otherwise I'm totally fooling myself.
I think that we're getting to the crux of the matter, which is typically, the motivation to change. Unfortunately, that usually requires some loses or incredible amount of impending doom to escalate the fear of staying where one is at to level that's higher than the fear of changing and moving forward. This is why is is difficult for those that do not have such types of pressure on them to change. Thus the self talk about "Well why should I...". In the AA program and book it's typical to suggest to these people that they are not ready and that they should go out and drink or use till they are. (I don't agree with that myself but I understand the practicality or it). We can talk to these folks until were blue in the face and they aren't going to "get it" because they don't come from a place of despiration and haven't acquire the gift of willingness yet.
If someone hasn't eaten in a week and you offer them a piece of raw snake meat, they would gobble it down and it would be delicious to them. If the other person hadn't eaten since yesterday, they are probably going to pass on the raw snake meat. Maybe not best analogy but if you get the despiration and the possibility that the first person has contemplated dieing from lack of food and the other hasn't, that's what I'm taking about. We aren't going to get your attention until you come from a place of "there might not be a next time for me if I don't get clean NOW!"
-- Edited by DeanC on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 07:48:32 PM
Hi-are you mandated to MMT or are you a volunteer? Well, actually, either way your desire to get honest with the appropriate clinic staff (i.e. someone you can trust who seems to care & know what he or she is doing) so you can move forward more safely (the daily dose plan vs. the take-away, for a while) seems like a good start to "getting real". If you're stepping down in July, it won't be too much longer before you're off. And plenty of time to build upon the relationships here & in your local meetings.
In Bill's Story in the AA Big Book he talks about the revelation of finally "getting it" that he could choose his own conception of God, and that it was "...only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning...growth could start from that point."
I was an atheist, and proud of it, thank you very much. I had a harder time withdrawing from that than some of the drugs!!!! I found it was crucial, tho, that I become willing to develop some notion of a Higher Power, in order to stay clean & come back to life. And I haven't regretted any of the the exploration, the learning, and the journey I ended up on in coming to my own concept of a Higher Power. For a long time, I liked using G.O.D., Good Orderly Direction...verysimple, let me stay in touch with the big picture, and was a nice subtle way to begin to define my (not someone else's) conception of God.
__________________
From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Bloody hell, Ive just answered this twice and both times the comp has crashed and wiped it. Thanks for your replies everyone (apart from you Raman cos you didn't say anything, ha ha just kidding). Thats good avice about the higher power thing Lee. I guess its in my addictive nature that I always need to go hard out on anything and everything; I need to reming myself to slow down sometimes. I also need to remember what it says in one of the redings at the start of the meetings "N.A. is a spiritual NOT religious program and three principles are honesty, open mindness and willingness". I can handle that as sprituality. Its hard for me to trust the clinic as they have such a high turnover of staff that I am always being shunted from one doctor/case manager to another. Also Lee, I'm pretty positive that no one in NZ is Mandated to MMT. Does that happen in the states? It's pretty hard to get on here as there is a 2+year waiting list. Well I have a lot more to say but I will chek in later as I'm worried that this post will crash again.
Thanks all
-- Edited by Hemi on Thursday 21st of May 2009 04:50:24 PM
'lo If by "getting real" you mean getting honest, sounds like you are at least on your way. Getting off MMT is no easier, and often harder, than getting off any other drug. And many of us had little-to-none desire to actually quit!!!! Duh!!! 
). Thats good avice about the higher power thing Lee. I guess its in my addictive nature that I always need to go hard out on anything and everything; I need to reming myself to slow down sometimes. I also need to remember what it says in one of the redings at the start of the meetings "N.A. is a spiritual NOT religious program and three principles are honesty, open mindness and willingness". I can handle that as sprituality.
