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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> sad about partner
Post Info TOPIC: sad about partner
marigoldhead


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sad about partner
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I am a recovering addict with 21 months clean.  My partner still uses.  He used to have a bad meth problem and got off of that.  Now he smokes weed and pops pills.  He is respectful when he does this but I keep having horrible dreams.  I dream that someday Im going to find him dead at home.  Some days its like jeckle and hyde.  One day he is wonderful and is the person I know and the next day he can be raging and shaking.  He will not go for help.  He says he can handle it.  he is not abusive at all except to himself.  As an EMT I reconize the signs of addiction and death. We have been together over 14 years and that is hard to give up.  I still love him with all my heart.  Our mothers died only two weeks apart almost 3 years ago.  Strange huh?  I would appreciate anyones imput on this situation....

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Jana40503


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{{hugs}}
I feel your pain.
I celebrated 6 years clean in April. I've been with my SO for 5 years come August. He has struggled with relapses for many, many years. The only reason I'm still with him is because he keeps coming back and keeps trying. I don't think I could take it if he'd just given up on trying to get and hold on to recovery.

Only you will know when you've had enough. Sometimes we have to hit bottom in our relationships just like we do with dope before we are able to do something different.

It's really, really painful to watch someone we love self destruct and be powerless to stop it.

What I believe is that if and when you've truly had enough, you will know it and yes, it will hurt but it won't be hard and a way will be made for you, upon surrender, to get out from under the oppression of his disease and you'll know that you'll be OK, that you have a higher power taking care of you.

I would really suggest trying a CoDA meeting (co-dependents anonymous)... A hallmark of addiction is co-dependency and we tend to hook up with other addicts for just that reason. If there aren't meetings near you the book, "Co-Dependent No More" is a very insightful and helpful book.

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The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor

My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
jjcnss


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I just posted something very similar, I don't know where to go. I am not the addict but my SO is. Problem is, He is a medic and has pretty easy access to drugs that don't belong to him.

Do either of you have any ideas as to where I could go to get not only me some support but him?

Thanks for your input.

J.

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marigoldhead


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I am also a emergency medical tech.  I dont have the availability to get drugs there.  I never did that.  My addiction was to pain killers that I would get by a doctor at the ER.  This was my last addiction.  The first was alcohol.  I am 45 years old and have been addicted to something my whole life.  I have now been clean 22 months.  I am in illinois.  If you or your SO would like to talk you could email me at marigoldhead@hotmail.com.  I would be glad to call you and chat.  For local help for you, look for a AVALone meeting or attend a NA meeting that is open.  You can not make someone quit.  This will have to be their decision.  I am very willing to help if I can.  My SO is still and addict as you read.  It is very difficult.  I hope to hear from you.

Todd

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DeanC


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MH,  you are like 1 in a million, that was able to  get clean, not  only while in a relationship (and keeping your career) but also while living with and being a relationship with an active addict.  All of those factors are serious impediments to getting and staying clean, in the first few years.  With that said, how astronomical are the odds of Both you and your partner getting clean under these conditions?  Yes you may already be clean, and your using (presently) is not something that he would have to overcome, however, the pressure of being the One in the relationship with "the problem" is another negative factor for your partner, as you, being the codependent, can't help but feed the dysfunctional relationship with well, what codependents do (look it up, too much to write  http://www.codependents.org/).  It amazes me how many codependents are in the healthcare, and care taking related services, by far the #1 occupation of codependents. 

With all that said, are you "helping" your partner or getting in the way of his possible recovery, by staying in the relationship with him?  No matter what you think, you are enabling him in many ways.  I don't even have to know either of you to know that.  How can the guy hit bottom and acquire the gifts of desperation and willingness, when he got someone to lean on?  Ask yourself this,  "am I helping him or killing him"?  biggrin.

And what of your recovery?  Do you know how risky it is for you to be continuously around a using addict? At 21 months? That's not a lot of time.   Even if you stay clean physically, how detrimental is your situation to your spiritual growth, emotional growth?  I mean, between your job and your "project" of a partner, how much misery can you wallow through?  John Bradshaw wrote that we can get addicted to negative feelings like shame, sorrow, grief... and the strong chemicals that we cause our brains to release while wallowing in these feelings.
Codependents seem to thrive on this crap.  Why do you think soap operas are so popular?  teevee.gif It's the drama. 

So I'll say what I always say,  do yourself and your partner a favor and end the relationship.  Find a better life for yourself that doesn't involve having to help
your significant other to feel needed in a relationship and give him a chance to
hit bottom and recover.  It ain't easy, but it's the right thing to do for both of you, and I guaranty his recovery will get a jump start like never before and you'll begin to recovery from your codependency, which is next to impossible to do while in a dysfunctional relationship ala trying to get clean while continuing to use.



-- Edited by DeanC on Sunday 7th of June 2009 08:25:28 AM

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marigoldhead


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thanks for the thoughts

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