well i haven't really been on the computer in a few weeks. i've been thinking a lot lately. about the NEAR future. graduation in june. going to DC in june. going back to treatment in july. college in the fall. everything is happening so fast and im not sure i can handle saying goodbye to my friends when they all leave me and go to schools far away. and i'll be stuck here working my ass off to get a good education so i can get a job later in life........ LIFE what a word. im not ready to move on. away from the people i've grown up with my whole life. the people who didn't let me kill myself. the people who cared enough to send me to treatment the first time. what the hell am i going to do with my life? except struggle everyday for the rest of my life, and probably end up in jail again. well im in a bad mood so bye.
It does pass. We've all been there, some really deeply and way too often. Life is hard when we're not in that place where we feel more good than bad. For me, it takes a lot of work, a lot of faith, and prayer, and listening, and doing...to even tread water sometimes. I'm 61 going on 16 a lot of the time, in terms of how I feel and function. If I give up and check out, all I'm doing is hurting a lot of people who don't deserve to be left with the terrible burden of wondering why, thinking it's their fault, missing me, and having to live with that. And even if I'm not going "there" the chronic anxiety and depression is a drag that sometimes seems endless, even tho it's not. And the more I project it into the future, the more I keep it alive.
When I'm deep into my very "justifiable" sorrow, or fear, or anger..whatever, it means I am telling myself I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN any power greater than myslef. And when I negate a power greater than myself, God (or Good OrderlyDirection) that not only will I not be restored to sanity, but I can take it to the bank that I will get real crazy real fast. At that point, using is right around the corner.
So, for me, all that down thinking is a self-indulgence that I cannot afford to nurture if I want to stay clean, sober, alive, loved, and loving. Plus having some fun and doing something worthwhile. So I HAVE TO reach out and let God and the fellowships carry me when I can't just mobilize myself. And ya know what? Works every time. :)
...praying "...only..."
__________________
From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Life aint easy Liz but its good I wouldn't want to do without it.
Pray for courage and your higher powers guidance in your life you know not what lies ahead maybe a whole new life thats even better then you've known.
Just enjoy the moments that are good and face the tough times and know they will pass, make time for fun stuff I took the day off work yesterday to go to the mountains heres the last 2 pictures I took with my camera right before breaking the lens on it and destroying the camera LOL I took the card out first .
Thanks for sharing, yes, at times, life does throw us into busy activities, one after the another, involving lot of change and uncertainty, demanding adaptability, courage and perseverance from us. When this first started happening to me in my early recovery, I hung on to meetings, fellowship, my Sponsor, trying to work the program suggestions on these situations, keeping the faith in my Higher Power... It was all still very tough and overwhelming at times but not as tough and overwhelming when I had to do it all alone with no support. Having my Higher Power, the fellowship, my Sponsor and the Steps WITH ME did make it all less difficult, providing me with the strength and hope that I needed. I thought that once this phase got over, life would get easier...
Over the last few years, I've realized that it never gets over, that change is the only constant... Also, working the program to the best of my ability on a daily basis led me to see that it's not as difficult as it seemed in the beginning... that perhaps this is what is life for all, to each in their own ways... I found that I could accept this, embrace this, and still 'live' my life, enjoy it for what it is. Steps help me a lot here. Especially the first 3... Knowing that 'life' is out of my control and I cannot possibly manage it relieves me of the burden of having to think that I must control, that I must exert power... my fear of what might happen I realized was completely based on my wanting to control, wanting everything to go my way where I could steer my life... Opening my mind to a loving Power greater than me and making the decision to let this Power control my life gives me a lot of inner calm and reassurance, doing this leads me to act with strength and hope, resulting in my action which is truly beyond me, as if I'm Higher Powered... Today, whenever I catch myself embroiled in trying to control, feeling frustrated and angry that life is giving me problems and pain, I realize how important it is to have a conscious contact, a working relationship with my Higher Power on a daily basis... And this relationship is not as strong for me as it is when I'm making meetings, reaching out to my Sponsor and the fellowship, reading literature, working my program...
Best wishes and prayers, keep the faith, this too shall pass...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
i think i was having a panic attack. i get those a lot. but still what if i dont keep in contact with me friends and i never see them again. that would probably make me insane. (literally) and what if i can't get to meetings and i lose the program and become the monster i was... and there's a whole bunch of "what if's" that i can think of. who knows maybe my life will be better in the future but i really don't want to find out. and Vini those pictures are awesome. it looks like my backyard. i need to go out and have some fun because if i keep worrying about it then before i know it the summer is going to be over and im going to be the only one still in northeast ohio.
Hi Liz, It's a tough time in anyone's life for sure trying to figure it all out and moving from childhood to being a responsible adult. You've listed many priorities that will get you headed in that direction. If you'd put your recovery in front of all others and expand it to all the things you'll need to do to make it happen, it will make all those other things possible. On the other hand, anything that you put in front of your recovery, you will likely lose or it won't happen, if you begin using again, which is probable if you are not in recovery. If you put the cart in front of the horse, you'll be pulled backwards. Getting clean and sober amounts to about as much work as a college degree. In my case more like a PhD. It's that demanding, requires more "classes" and just as much reading and writing. There are many teachers who will only make themselves available to you in the meetings. I urge you to get busy with your recovery.
haha that's a good point Lee. i do need to focus more on my recovery. but i was just focusing on trying to pass this last semester so i can graduate and move on and do bigger and better things.
