Recently Ive had my butt chewed for not writing enough. I love my excuses and relish the opportunity to exploit them whenever I can. But I did after my last Whine session and contemplate WTF is holding me back ? The best I can come up with is some of the bad stuff. Im remembering things that have gone down and its kind of sucky.

This is one of those things.

Years ago I made what I thought was a serious stab at recovery . I was living in Bremerton Wash. and somehow had managed to put together about 5 years clean when a chance came up to purchase my first brand spanking new car. It was a Mustang and man was I proud. I babied the hell out of that car. My meeting attendance went through the roof. Traveling from Bremerton to silverdale out to Port Angeles out to Belfair across the bridge to Tacoma and Seattle I loved to drive her.

We had a weekly meeting in Belfair About 15 miles or so out from my house . A bunch of kids in the 15/16 year old range would call and ask for rides. I loved doing it. Got to show off my charcoal beauty . It wasent to long before one kid would call and 5 would be waiting. Normally that would have thrilled me, but I had this new car ! She was fast becoming my Higher Power .

I began to notice scuff marks in the seats. Mud on the floorboards . I kept up with them but I started getting pissed. These damn kids. No respect . Gone by this time was my humility or gratitude , If they had ever existed at all .

I let that eat at me for awhile. I made some calls. I was told all about getting honest with the kids . Letting them know how I felt . Of course I would slant the story so that it became a property respect issue vs. a MY CARS GETTING SCUFFED issue. PFFFFTT I was all about the property. The prestige .

I decided one day that this is it. Im not getting used by these brats anymore. No more carrying the addict. Screw them. It was all about me and that mustang . Looking back Im appalled. 5 years clean ? Where were the principles ? I dont think I " got it " at all. I was making meetings ,working out and cleaning my car. That was my recovery and little else.

I arrived at Belfair one clean pretty day , Summers in Washinton state are the bomb if youve never been there. It was 1987 , my car was running like a champ all spiffed up for the meeting. And as usual there were 5 kids waiting. This is it the showdown. They werent using me anymore . I was DONE !!!

I explained the situation. Not enough seatbelts . Its dangerous . Blah blah blah . And told them I could three maybe 4 but no way 5 . 22 years later I can see the look on that 5th kids face as clear as if it were today. He said it was cool but I knew it wasent . I was being a dick.

I thought about it the rest of the way to the meeting. I dont remember the meeting but Im sure I shared something thoughful and caring. My charade was convincing. Maybe I shared about standing up for myself. And how grateful I was to be clean. But I do remember an uneasy feeling sitting in that community center that evening.

Nobody heard from the kid I left behind that night. There were rumors of relapse . I told myself ,its his decision not mine. Im in the clear. Two days and still no word. three days .Wtf somethings going on . Maybe hes loaded in Seattle . I think it was day 4 when a body was found. That kid. 15 or 16 years old had decided he was making that meeting. He struck out on a skateboard to cover the few miles left.

He was found in some bushes off the right side of the road. He was on his way to an NA meeting and riding a skateboard . He was hit by a driver nobody knew . The driver fled. He died alone on a tree lined highway road , on a sweet summer night in Washington.

I see that kids face. Cant for the life of me remember his name. Im sorry.

These are the things that I hate writting about. It should be no surprise that 2 years later I would relapse. With 7 years clean I decided I was cured and off I went.

I am so ready to let this stuff go. God help me !!!